|
|
Post by krolle on Sept 17, 2021 19:45:18 GMT
I have phantom ex phenomenon pretty bad. it's unpleasant.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2021 19:50:26 GMT
I have phantom ex phenomenon pretty bad. it's unpleasant. Oh…could you share a bit about it krolle? Or would that be too painful? |
|
|
|
Post by virusbkk on Sept 18, 2021 1:30:31 GMT
I speak from the perspective of one party in a brief relationship who experienced said behavior first-hand, and was unaware of its existence & implications at the time. I gain or achieve nothing by rehashing my past. But,these behavioral patterns that I observed (and later came to understand) could possibly be of relevance to tr9 in her future interactions with potential romantic interests. As they say, being forewarned is forearmed. Oh, I see. You're only here to observe others and warn them about their own issues. Suit yourself, and better luck in your future "relationships" that go at lightning speed because of other people's issues. A little tongue in cheek humor there, but seriously, to each their own, people are here for different reasons and it all flies. Opinions are like assholes right? Everybody's got one. In all seriousness, if one is working with a therapist, that is what matters. Information or insight gathered from here is supplementary and can be taken with a grain of salt. Which reminds me, I need to book a session with my therapist before he's off on vacation. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2021 2:57:15 GMT
Oh, I see. You're only here to observe others and warn them about their own issues. Suit yourself, and better luck in your future "relationships" that go at lightning speed because of other people's issues. A little tongue in cheek humor there, but seriously, to each their own, people are here for different reasons and it all flies. Opinions are like assholes right? Everybody's got one. In all seriousness, if one is working with a therapist, that is what matters. Information or insight gathered from here is supplementary and can be taken with a grain of salt. Which reminds me, I need to book a session with my therapist before he's off on vacation. Brilliant! Good luck. |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Sept 18, 2021 4:17:58 GMT
I have phantom ex phenomenon pretty bad. it's unpleasant. Oh…could you share a bit about it krolle? Or would that be too painful? No. I don't mind sharing. Probably similar situation to you and B to be honest. I Know that she's terrible for me, and probably not available anymore even if she were a good fit. But can't stop thinking about her. Pretty much every day. Since then it met a couple of women who are objectively quiet a bit more attractive than her, with better manners, kinder hearts and more interesting lives. And they're super interested in dating me. But I find myself comparing them in the negative to her. It's really absurd. But hard to stop. similar feeling to an addiction. Love/hate |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Sept 18, 2021 4:24:20 GMT
Also we talk about this therapy stuff often on the forum as though it's like the gold standard in treatment. I just can't see how it would help. What actually happens in therapy?
I'v seen things as exotic as tapping various spots on one's body to release energy, to simply talking through your past. I just can't see how any of that would create lasting changes to somebodies outlook or mental health.
I had councelling once a week for about 6 weeks and it did nothing. Just felt like I wasted 6 hours of my life.
Im not saying it doesn't work. just that I can't see it.
|
|
marta
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by marta on Sept 18, 2021 4:56:00 GMT
Krolle, how many time ago did you leave your partner? And you, tnr9?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2021 5:09:54 GMT
Also we talk about this therapy stuff often on the forum as though it's like the gold standard in treatment. I just can't see how it would help. What actually happens in therapy? I'v seen things as exotic as tapping various spots on one's body to release energy, to simply talking through your past. I just can't see how any of that would create lasting changes to somebodies outlook or mental health. I had councelling once a week for about 6 weeks and it did nothing. Just felt like I wasted 6 hours of my life. Im not saying it doesn't work. just that I can't see it. It is great for some, not so helpful for others- I've had good and bad experiences. But peer support, groups, self help have been tremendously helpful to me over years as well. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 18, 2021 5:12:15 GMT
Krolle, how many time ago did you leave your partner? And you, tnr9? So…I did not leave B…B broke up with me in 2017….however, I was still in contact with him until 2019…which was not the best decision on my part given how invested I was in him and in the relationship. I now know that I do not do well as a friend with an ex…I do better cutting ties and moving forward. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 18, 2021 5:21:15 GMT
Also we talk about this therapy stuff often on the forum as though it's like the gold standard in treatment. I just can't see how it would help. What actually happens in therapy? I'v seen things as exotic as tapping various spots on one's body to release energy, to simply talking through your past. I just can't see how any of that would create lasting changes to somebodies outlook or mental health. I had councelling once a week for about 6 weeks and it did nothing. Just felt like I wasted 6 hours of my life. Im not saying it doesn't work. just that I can't see it. I think just like finding the right partner…finding the right type of therapy and right therapist is important. I feel I have made huge strides with my current SE therapist. The way I view my therapy is that I never had examples of what secure behavior was and in therapy I get to explore secure reactions…..I take things less personally, I have a better definition of where I end and someone else begins, I have learned how to say no without feeling guilty, I have determined why I have held onto B for so long and I have found joy in discovering me. That is what therapy is for me. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Sept 18, 2021 14:22:56 GMT
So B means something to you (probably not what or who he is), but it’s the meaning you’ve assigned to him. Probably not the best advice for maintaining dignity, but that has worked for me, when I’ve asked questions, I’ve gotten answers. When it came to objects of my limerence. Sometimes their answers dispelled it and sometimes I observed silently from the side lines and 100% of the time my opinion of them changed and they slowly left the pedestal they were on. Time healed all wounds for me and I saw it all clearly (that we are not compatible and I actually don’t like them)..
It would be like a lightbulb moment that one of the answers would bring me clarity and I would no longer want to pursue/ be turned off.
For example a turning point for the person I came to these boards on; I remember him saying he will always like me for the rest of his life. And that was a lightbulb moment insofar that the way he treated me there was no way he liked me. Or if he did like me and still did the hot and cold stuff, there was probably something wrong with him. But the translation was he liked what I can do for him for the rest of his life. I then maybe a year or so later went on his Twitter and saw him posting about brands and getting freebee replacements or comps from companies. Basically complaining publicly about a brand and then getting comps from them. I thought of that behavior as ridiculous and manipulative and a total turnoff. I don’t think I could ever think or feel about him the same way. I absolutely have zero feelings for this man while four years ago I definitely had feelings for him, but I didn’t have enough information. As I gain information my feelings absolutely change.
I actually encourage you to speak to him and inquire about his relationship and what has changed in him that he was able to make that commitment to this person. I’m curious if his answers can provide some clarity for you. I know this is a risk and we are supposed to work through this on our own, but I’m sharing what has helped me, and I’m definitely not a therapist. My therapist would encourage you to stay on your narrow path, tend to your self esteem and if you see him on the street, cross to the other side 🤓
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 18, 2021 14:50:35 GMT
So B means something to you (probably not what or who he is), but it’s the meaning you’ve assigned to him. Probably not the best advice for maintaining dignity, but that has worked for me, when I’ve asked questions, I’ve gotten answers. When it came to objects of my limerence. Sometimes their answers dispelled it and sometimes I observed silently from the side lines and 100% of the time my opinion of them changed and they slowly left the pedestal they were on. Time healed all wounds for me and I saw it all clearly (that we are not compatible and I actually don’t like them).. It would be like a lightbulb moment that one of the answers would bring me clarity and I would no longer want to pursue/ be turned off. For example a turning point for the person I came to these boards on; I remember him saying he will always like me for the rest of his life. And that was a lightbulb moment insofar that the way he treated me there was no way he liked me. Or if he did like me and still did the hot and cold stuff, there was probably something wrong with him. But the translation was he liked what I can do for him for the rest of his life. I then maybe a year or so later went on his Twitter and saw him posting about brands and getting freebee replacements or comps from companies. Basically complaining publicly about a brand and then getting comps from them. I thought of that behavior as ridiculous and manipulative and a total turnoff. I don’t think I could ever think or feel about him the same way. I absolutely have zero feelings for this man while four years ago I definitely had feelings for him, but I didn’t have enough information. As I gain information my feelings absolutely change. I actually encourage you to speak to him and inquire about his relationship and what has changed in him that he was able to make that commitment to this person. I’m curious if his answers can provide some clarity for you. I know this is a risk and we are supposed to work through this on our own, but I’m sharing what has helped me, and I’m definitely not a therapist. My therapist would encourage you to stay on your narrow path, tend to your self esteem and if you see him on the street, cross to the other side 🤓 Thanks Annie…after B broke up with me I started to have these really mixed feelings…I desired and feared him….fear was new…but when you mentioned above about contacting him…fear came streaming in…or more so…distrust. And it isn’t an adult feeling of distrust..it is a little girl who has been burned by her parents. B more then any other guy I ever dated, provided access to very deep, very old feelings…but I just did not have the proper tools to work with them. There was this one time I went to the beach with the group to spend time with friends and he showed up. I literally spent the whole day avoiding him. So it has been “complicated”….I miss the feeling of safety, the protection he offered, his hugs were just the best and to me he was so attractive….but then…trust was broken, he did not protect me at all during the breakup, hugs became mixed signals. My moment of fear is gone. I know the answer anyways…at least regarding me. He was lonely…..I was a cuddle buddy initially who he thought he could show love towards and help with my self esteem…but then…he says…he grew to love me…..however, God told him that if he wasn’t going to be with me forever to stop leading me on…so that is when he broke up with me…at his sisters house…in the middle of the night…drunk…and while I was still processing what had happened…he had sex with me from behind. Then it was early morning and he went upstairs to play with his nephews while I remained downstairs in the basement trying to pull myself together. Then I had to act like all was ok while watching tv with his sister and her husband. I know I just sidestepped your suggestion…but felt I needed to get this out. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2021 15:14:42 GMT
So B means something to you (probably not what or who he is), but it’s the meaning you’ve assigned to him. Probably not the best advice for maintaining dignity, but that has worked for me, when I’ve asked questions, I’ve gotten answers. When it came to objects of my limerence. Sometimes their answers dispelled it and sometimes I observed silently from the side lines and 100% of the time my opinion of them changed and they slowly left the pedestal they were on. Time healed all wounds for me and I saw it all clearly (that we are not compatible and I actually don’t like them).. It would be like a lightbulb moment that one of the answers would bring me clarity and I would no longer want to pursue/ be turned off. For example a turning point for the person I came to these boards on; I remember him saying he will always like me for the rest of his life. And that was a lightbulb moment insofar that the way he treated me there was no way he liked me. Or if he did like me and still did the hot and cold stuff, there was probably something wrong with him. But the translation was he liked what I can do for him for the rest of his life. I then maybe a year or so later went on his Twitter and saw him posting about brands and getting freebee replacements or comps from companies. Basically complaining publicly about a brand and then getting comps from them. I thought of that behavior as ridiculous and manipulative and a total turnoff. I don’t think I could ever think or feel about him the same way. I absolutely have zero feelings for this man while four years ago I definitely had feelings for him, but I didn’t have enough information. As I gain information my feelings absolutely change. I actually encourage you to speak to him and inquire about his relationship and what has changed in him that he was able to make that commitment to this person. I’m curious if his answers can provide some clarity for you. I know this is a risk and we are supposed to work through this on our own, but I’m sharing what has helped me, and I’m definitely not a therapist. My therapist would encourage you to stay on your narrow path, tend to your self esteem and if you see him on the street, cross to the other side 🤓 Thanks Annie…after B broke up with me I started to have these really mixed feelings…I desired and feared him….fear was new…but when you mentioned above about contacting him…fear came streaming in…or more so…distrust. And it isn’t an adult feeling of distrust..it is a little girl who has been burned by her parents. B more then any other guy I ever dated, provided access to very deep, very old feelings…but I just did not have the proper tools to work with them. There was this one time I went to the beach with the group to spend time with friends and he showed up. I literally spent the whole day avoiding him. So it has been “complicated”….I miss the feeling of safety, the protection he offered, his hugs were just the best and to me he was so attractive….but then…trust was broken, he did not protect me at all during the breakup, hugs became mixed signals. My moment of fear is gone. I know the answer anyways…at least regarding me. He was lonely…..I was a cuddle buddy initially who he thought he could show love towards and help with my self esteem…but then…he says…he grew to love me…..however, God told him that if he wasn’t going to be with me forever to stop leading me on…so that is when he broke up with me…at his sisters house…in the middle of the night…drunk…and while I was still processing what had happened…he had sex with me from behind. Then it was early morning and he went upstairs to play with his nephews while I remained downstairs in the basement trying to pull myself together. Then I had to act like all was ok while watching tv with his sister and her husband. I know I just sidestepped your suggestion…but felt I needed to get this out. , I am so sorry that this happened like this. I can't imagine how painful that was, how utterly shocking. I'm glad you have made progress moving on from such a painful involvement with that man. |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Sept 18, 2021 15:44:46 GMT
So B means something to you (probably not what or who he is), but it’s the meaning you’ve assigned to him. Probably not the best advice for maintaining dignity, but that has worked for me, when I’ve asked questions, I’ve gotten answers. When it came to objects of my limerence. Sometimes their answers dispelled it and sometimes I observed silently from the side lines and 100% of the time my opinion of them changed and they slowly left the pedestal they were on. Time healed all wounds for me and I saw it all clearly (that we are not compatible and I actually don’t like them).. It would be like a lightbulb moment that one of the answers would bring me clarity and I would no longer want to pursue/ be turned off. For example a turning point for the person I came to these boards on; I remember him saying he will always like me for the rest of his life. And that was a lightbulb moment insofar that the way he treated me there was no way he liked me. Or if he did like me and still did the hot and cold stuff, there was probably something wrong with him. But the translation was he liked what I can do for him for the rest of his life. I then maybe a year or so later went on his Twitter and saw him posting about brands and getting freebee replacements or comps from companies. Basically complaining publicly about a brand and then getting comps from them. I thought of that behavior as ridiculous and manipulative and a total turnoff. I don’t think I could ever think or feel about him the same way. I absolutely have zero feelings for this man while four years ago I definitely had feelings for him, but I didn’t have enough information. As I gain information my feelings absolutely change. I actually encourage you to speak to him and inquire about his relationship and what has changed in him that he was able to make that commitment to this person. I’m curious if his answers can provide some clarity for you. I know this is a risk and we are supposed to work through this on our own, but I’m sharing what has helped me, and I’m definitely not a therapist. My therapist would encourage you to stay on your narrow path, tend to your self esteem and if you see him on the street, cross to the other side 🤓 Thanks Annie…after B broke up with me I started to have these really mixed feelings…I desired and feared him….fear was new…but when you mentioned above about contacting him…fear came streaming in…or more so…distrust. And it isn’t an adult feeling of distrust..it is a little girl who has been burned by her parents. B more then any other guy I ever dated, provided access to very deep, very old feelings…but I just did not have the proper tools to work with them. There was this one time I went to the beach with the group to spend time with friends and he showed up. I literally spent the whole day avoiding him. So it has been “complicated”….I miss the feeling of safety, the protection he offered, his hugs were just the best and to me he was so attractive….but then…trust was broken, he did not protect me at all during the breakup, hugs became mixed signals. My moment of fear is gone. I know the answer anyways…at least regarding me. He was lonely…..I was a cuddle buddy initially who he thought he could show love towards and help with my self esteem…but then…he says…he grew to love me…..however, God told him that if he wasn’t going to be with me forever to stop leading me on…so that is when he broke up with me…at his sisters house…in the middle of the night…drunk…and while I was still processing what had happened…he had sex with me from behind. Then it was early morning and he went upstairs to play with his nephews while I remained downstairs in the basement trying to pull myself together. Then I had to act like all was ok while watching tv with his sister and her husband. I know I just sidestepped your suggestion…but felt I needed to get this out. I feel fear and desire too. It's interesting that those two things would go together. Do you think you can introspect where the fear comes from? And perhaps the desire, beyond him being good at hugs? How do you tell if it's adult fear or a child or a little girls fear? What's the difference? what does this mean? we are discussing it on another thread and I have no concept of it and wish to know your opinion. annieb Thankyou for the insights into your situation and how you got over them. When you say "he liked you for what you can do for him" helped you get over him. I get confused. Because I view and have accepted (perhaps Naively) all relationships as ultimately transactional, this would not be a turnoff for me. Just basically what I expect as the norm. I can't imagine a relationship that is not based on at least some transaction. It's just that some are more socially acceptable transactions than others in my opinion. tnr9 I'm not gonna touch the "god told him to stop leading you on" thing with a barge pole. Religion is well out of my juristiction. I wanted to give you some condescending speech about holding your boundaries regarding the fact you guys had sex after breaking up. But I know its not that easy. I'm sure there was a cocktail of powerful emotions going on inside you which would have been hard to work out. I have done many shameful things after break ups before. Just know that I feel compassion for you and I share/ have been through a lot of the pain you are experiencing |
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Sept 18, 2021 15:53:39 GMT
Krolle, how many time ago did you leave your partner? And you, tnr9? For me it's been almost 3 years now. And whilst I have continued with life and am not in a "can't live without them" stage of still being hung up on someone. I'm still very much thinking of her and in quiet a good deal of distress over it. This is also a very important thing to deal with for me at the moment as I have begun "dating" someone new for the first time in several years. So far it's not serious but I can definately feel momentum building and can foresee some major problems down the line if I don't adress the issue. I'm not sure if tnr9 is actively dating right now. |
|
