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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 21:53:23 GMT
Interesting. I'm reading it as a distancing strategy, to be politely contrary and impossible to reach. Of course I can't get inside your head krolle and know your motives - but it seems like standard unavailability, and it also somehow makes me feel like an intellectual plaything. I can see how the writers in the other thread kind of objectified people with their thought processes- using other people to distract from their own issues. Peobably shouldn't overanalyze it, just slightly curious. I just sense the futility of the conversation; people open to new ideas and perspectives when they are able and not before then. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 22, 2021 21:59:16 GMT
I'm reading it as a distancing strategy, to be politely contrary and impossible to reach. ... I can see how the writers in the other thread kind of objectified people with their thought processes- using other people to distract from their own issues. I see both these comments as related and the same sets of distancing and coping mechanisms, which is why I did think it was worth pointing out. It's still a type of mental block, an over-intellectualizing to distance yourself emotionally from the issue and maybe keep yourself from taking different actions. Knowing you need to try something different but being scared so trying to preemptively talk yourself out of it, or even being open to it. |
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Post by virusbkk on Sept 23, 2021 2:01:45 GMT
I read the article multiple times, and the author explains the differences between transactional and transformational relationships quite well. However, I have to say that the content comes across as far too idealistic to me, with pseudo-spiritual hokum like "twin flame" and "soul mate" being thrown around. Most relationships (business & personal) out there are invariably transactional for a very good reason - life. Responsibilities, chores, duties, mortgages, bills, marriage & children are the everyday reality that all have a predominantly transactional underpinning. It could certainly be possible to introduce certain transformational aspects into one's relationship - easier said than done though. |
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Post by krolle on Sept 23, 2021 13:56:30 GMT
Interesting. I'm reading it as a distancing strategy, to be politely contrary and impossible to reach. Of course I can't get inside your head krolle and know your motives - but it seems like standard unavailability, and it also somehow makes me feel like an intellectual plaything. I can see how the writers in the other thread kind of objectified people with their thought processes- using other people to distract from their own issues. Peobably shouldn't overanalyze it, just slightly curious. I just sense the futility of the conversation; people open to new ideas and perspectives when they are able and not before then. Hi @introvert. I wouldn't say that the article you linked me was not helpful. Only that it did not resonate with me. There are still things I learned from it. And I still appreciate and respect your input. There are lots of new ideas and perspectives people have discussed with me here on the forum which I have been able to enjoy,accept and internalize. Including suggestions from yourself. I have more to say about this and would like to respond to the other posters who have chimed in since I made my comment. But I just got in from a double shift so it will have to wait until post nap 😊 But I did want to ask in the meantime if you could perhaps elaborate your thoughts on how I made you feel like an intellectual play thing? It was not my intention, and I always like to get feedback on how I might have failed in my interactions. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2021 4:43:31 GMT
Interesting. I'm reading it as a distancing strategy, to be politely contrary and impossible to reach. Of course I can't get inside your head krolle and know your motives - but it seems like standard unavailability, and it also somehow makes me feel like an intellectual plaything. I can see how the writers in the other thread kind of objectified people with their thought processes- using other people to distract from their own issues. Peobably shouldn't overanalyze it, just slightly curious. I just sense the futility of the conversation; people open to new ideas and perspectives when they are able and not before then. Hi @introvert. I wouldn't say that the article you linked me was not helpful. Only that it did not resonate with me. There are still things I learned from it. And I still appreciate and respect your input. There are lots of new ideas and perspectives people have discussed with me here on the forum which I have been able to enjoy,accept and internalize. Including suggestions from yourself. I have more to say about this and would like to respond to the other posters who have chimed in since I made my comment. But I just got in from a double shift so it will have to wait until post nap 😊 But I did want to ask in the meantime if you could perhaps elaborate your thoughts on how I made you feel like an intellectual play thing? It was not my intention, and I always like to get feedback on how I might have failed in my interactions. Hi krolle, first understand that I'm in no way offended and have no expectation from you when I post. I'm simply referring to the pattern of deep analysis and questioning and conversation while simultaneously acknowledging that you refuse to get help. And of course I have no skin in the game and do wish you the best- there's no attitude here. It's hard to describe the sense that I have about being used as an intellectual play thing- I almost feel as if you fidget around with discussion without an intent to do anything about your suffering. And I understand you have a huge block about that. So maybe you just pass the time and hope something will land on you and effect some kind of breakthrough, I wouldn't try to read your mind about that- I just sense a ton of avoidance in your engagement even though you are warm and sound congenial. And, there again you do admit to trusting no one, even us. So- it's just avoidance- and it seems as though you ultimately reject many things out of that distrust. A cynical view, as you've said. So we just chew the fat while you remain cynical and it's... fine but noticeably avoidant. The linked thread was interesting as it described the habit of heavy analysis used in an unhealthy way. |
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 14:56:34 GMT
Here is the thing about that from my experience. My business partner is just like this. He’s gone to three or four therapy sessions in his life (and the therapist pretty much nailed his issues from what I can tell and what he’s told me), and those sessions is all he will ever do. He actually gets his needs better met by somebody like me, who is there to help him (or was rather), and he is a perpetual victim of sorts (he is not a bad person that’s why I’m still around). He doesn’t take it to a malicious level, by any means. It’s just that the status quo works for him. He gets his needs met by people (mostly women) trying to help him. I’ve shied away quite a bit in the last six months from doing that, and our relationship has changed. We may or may not last in our business partnership much longer. As I’m no longer able to provide him with what he needs (I’m giving that energy to myself).
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2021 15:24:40 GMT
Here is the thing about that from my experience. My business partner is just like this. He’s gone to three or four therapy sessions in his life (and the therapist pretty much nailed his issues from what I can tell and what he’s told me), and those sessions is all he will ever do. He actually gets his needs better met by somebody like me, who is there to help him (or was rather), and he is a perpetual victim of sorts (he is not a bad person that’s why I’m still around). He doesn’t take it to a malicious level, by any means. It’s just that the status quo works for him. He gets his needs met by people (mostly women) trying to help him. I’ve shied away quite a bit in the last six months from doing that, and our relationship has changed. We may or may not last in our business partnership much longer. As I’m no longer able to provide him with what he needs (I’m giving that energy to myself). Yes. that's what it feels like. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 10, 2021 19:52:32 GMT
Well…I just wanted to come back to this thread and provide an update……I don’t miss B any more. I haven’t missed B for weeks. The reason I think this has happened is due to having a stronger sense of self and a newfound ability to not take things personally. I have disappointed a ton of people recently but I don’t find myself spiraling into shame which then meant I wanted B to sooth me. I am glad that B is happy and has found someone who is a good fit…but I don’t really want to keep, see, hear anything about him. That time is in the past. Thank you all for sticking with me through this….4 year journey.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2021 21:30:41 GMT
tnr9, yaaaaaaay! This is a wonderful step for you. You sound much more at peace, and I am glad for you 
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2021 21:50:29 GMT
Well…I just wanted to come back to this thread and provide an update……I don’t miss B any more. I haven’t missed B for weeks. The reason I think this has happened is due to having a stronger sense of self and a newfound ability to not take things personally. I have disappointed a ton of people recently but I don’t find myself spiraling into shame which then meant I wanted B to sooth me. I am glad that B is happy and has found someone who is a good fit…but I don’t really want to keep, see, hear anything about him. That time is in the past. Thank you all for sticking with me through this….4 year journey. Wow!!! That's amazing. Congratulations, that's truly inspiring. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 13, 2021 16:52:46 GMT
Well…I just wanted to come back to this thread and provide an update……I don’t miss B any more. I haven’t missed B for weeks. The reason I think this has happened is due to having a stronger sense of self and a newfound ability to not take things personally. I have disappointed a ton of people recently but I don’t find myself spiraling into shame which then meant I wanted B to sooth me. I am glad that B is happy and has found someone who is a good fit…but I don’t really want to keep, see, hear anything about him. That time is in the past. Thank you all for sticking with me through this….4 year journey. So happy to hear that and happy you came here to share your journey with us. Your struggles and your triumphs. This is as good as it gets. |
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