I am FA & struggling with break up with FA

Hello all, I am new to the site and very grateful for what people have shared from what I've read so far. It has been a real learning curve.

I'm a 48 year old woman, probably best described as an anxious-leaning FA (my therapist's assessment). I like to be in relationships - I've had five substantial ones in my adult life of 5 years, 5 years, 4 years, 7 years and 2 years - but also find them hard. The main issues are fear of conflict and abandonment and being triggered by 'we need to talk' style conversations.  With the 7 year chap, I struggled to express and even identify my needs and would panic if he wanted to raise our issues. We really cared for each other, but could not communicate properly and nor could we properly split (hello co-dependency) - he basically had to leave our city. We remain in touch, and often there is a sense of unresolved sadness when we see each other. 

After him, I quickly moved on to the next man. It was a friend who I moved into the house I'd shared with my previous partner. It started off as housemates and quickly accelerated. Clearly it was a rebound and I really hurt him. We'd always fancied each other, but his feelings were stronger than mine. I asked to take it slow, but he was confused and his anxiety really flared. Daily he wanted to talk about where we were going, what our future held etc, and I began to react very badly - almost in a primal fashion. I'd put my hands on my ears and sometimes flee the room. He was loud and persistent, and we went from bringing out the best in each other to the worst. I had to end it, including to break what I saw was a pattern of needing to be in a relationship, even if it wasn't working. Because we started as friends we have somehow managed to stay friends, though our conversations on the phone can quickly revert to our habit of him pushing and judging me and me fighting back. 

Early this year, after six months single, I tried online dating for the first time in years and met R, an artist around the same age as me. We had an immediate rapport in our correspondence, and when we met in person, the physical attraction was strong. For the first couple of weeks, I was unsure whether he had any long term potential including because he had come out of a 15 year relationship (he has two kids, aged 7 and 8). I was also struck by odd quirks - he is quite obsessive about his diet, and also his painting which he explained early on that he has to do daily for his mental health. I'm a writer and academic so I could relate to that - until I couldn't. Our pace was about once a week (with amazing sex and full on rapture/ limerence) and daily texts, nothing too deep, but affectionate and regular. On the first week he couldn't meet me at all I expressed sadness via text, and he pulled back until I asked him in a very straightforward way what was going on, reassuring him I was into him etc. He thought I had dumped him! I sensed his vulnerability then and resolved to tread softly while also trying to express my needs. It felt safe to do so and in the last weekend we spent together we both said 'I love you' - I can't even remember who said it first, but we were happy and I think we were both relieved. We were safe!

Except I ruined it. Last Wednesday I got home from a dinner somewhat tipsy and texted him because I really wanted to see him- I've never been to his house and I decided it was the time. This spontaneity was definitely not his bag and he politely declined, but I took the opportunity to push further and say I wanted to see him more, didn't he want to see me more. He reassured me he did, but painting is something he needs to do as often as he can etc. I went all anxious and asked why didn't he ever initiate contact and why was I always making the plans - the completely wrong approach I now see in retrospect. And also not my usual style AT ALL - I very much respect space and independence and am protective of my own. Clearly I was more anxious about the relationship than I thought. The upshot was he took everything I said as criticism and 'reproach' and he became very defensive. I toned it down, tried to explain myself etc, said nice things (all on text- bad), but by Friday when he said he needed space I went into an utter panic - which I shared with a friend who I was texting at the same time. What happened next is nightmare stuff - I accidentally sent him a text I intended for her reading 'I want to tell him to grow up or fk off, but I'm afraid he will take the latter option and the pain will be immense'. I fessed up and apologised straight away, but knew the damage would be great. I could not stop shaking for hours. I hated myself, and still do.

I am not of the blocking generation, so it did not even cross my mind that he would do that - but the next miserable day I saw he'd deleted our initial correspondence and unfriended me on social media. I also assume he's blocked me on the phone. Struggling to make sense of the blocking, I retrospectively identified him as FA, including because of other behaviours. (We both also had traumatic childhoods, and come from a similar cultural background). It's now been a week since the horrible mis-sent text. I sent an apology on Wednesday via text, short and contrite and loving and acknowledging his need for space - it may have gone into the void. I don't know his address or his email. The internet rabbit hole has introduced me to practices and tips I never would have considered like 30 Days No Contact, steps to win back your FA etc - adding to the nightmare effect. I've swerved completely from FA I was with in previous relationship to anxious. I'm trying to just sit with my own crap, and deal with it, and resist projecting all my feelings onto understanding him and plotting to get him back and despairing I never will. Like lots of others, I also have a strong urge to share with him some of what I have discovered about FA. I have such tenderness for FAs! But gosh it hurts to be shut out like this, and my self loathing is intense. I'm not even sure what advice I'm after - I know I should just stay away unless he reaches out but I know FAs sometimes like the other person to reach out, once the storm has passed (this has been the case for me in the past). I know I should focus on my own behaviour- I seem to have willed my fears into existence. Self sabotage of the highest order, and I have hurt a beautiful person who was only ever gentle with me, and now he will probably never be able to trust me. I really sensed a future, and also safety, and I ruined it in a spiral of fear that has left me deeply shaken and remorseful.

It has helped to write this (I'm at work, tears running down my face) and thank you in advance for reading, and for any other perspectives people may have to offer.