I am FA & struggling with break up with FA

Honestly….I think you can let the reading go now…..because you have moved on to the more personal work.  I don’t read about attachment theory anymore.  I let my SE therapist guide our discussion and at first it was very attachment based….but we have now moved on to root issues which fed into my attachment issues but we do not label them.

A light bulb moment for me was discovering that when I was initially in therapy, I craved B so much because my nervous system was going haywire and B was my “go to” memory of safety.  It took a long time before I was able to go to sleep without picturing my head on his chest, listening to him breath.  I say this because it is ok to be stuck for a bit as you process painful memories.  It is ok to have a favorite memory that helps to calm your nervous system while you learn other methods.  It is ok to still miss what he represented to you.   

Just another idea…I wrote  “I am enough” on every mirror as a daily reminder that my mistakes do not dictate who I am, my attachment trauma does not dictate who I am…I am enough….just as I am today.

You have got this!!!

SE has been a game changer for me…especially because I had numbed my body so much.  Once I was able to get back in touch with my body..it has been an amazing journey of healing…especially knowing where I end and someone else begins.  

I am going to suggest something that might feel incredibly painful right now but will help you so much.  Delete all access to him…..social media, phone, email…..if that is too scary…timebound it….3 months of no access to him whatsoever.  Because your nervous system isn’t yet prepared to properly deal with his silence and by contacting him and hearing nothing…the loop of focus on him continues.  Right now you need a steady source of support and he just is not it for whatever reason.  It is not uncommon to hold 2 perspectives…1 being…I want what we had and 1 being….I know he won’t respond.  Be gentle with yourself as you navigate those 2 perspectives…honor the first 1 by acknowledging it….but make it more about the things you miss rather then him specific…ie…you miss feeling safe, you miss feeling loved…because if you make it about the attributes and not about him…it opens space to find those in someone else. As to the second…hold it without judging yourself.  It is not ridiculous to want safety, love etc.  Those are great things to want…it is the person that is the issue and that is about his issues and not yours.

I hope you have a fun trip, deanna! I'd written a long reply last week and lost it before it posted 😭 But effectively, I said your responses to this have been normal, and dropping in on exes is usually anti-climactic.

I thought about apologizing to the DA one who I felt I reacted to disproportionately (rather than the ones with whom we equally created the anxious-avoidant mess together) after social media suggested we connect. I had earned secure and drafted a brief email, and then I looked at his public social media profiles before doing anything -- he has a child. We haven't spoken since he ghosted 10 years ago, and we were in more of a situationship than anything. Didn't seem fair to be disruptive just because I've grown up since then, if he'd wanted to speak to me he would have at some point. So I kind of feel like, he'd wish me well that I got myself together and apologized, but not really care that much about hearing from me. But if I ever organically run into him, I will briefly apologize.

I had a platonic friend who pulled an avoidant ghosting routine on me, and apologized out of the blue 5 years later. After wondering if he was doing AA 12 steps, I was like well that's unnecessary that he apologized but nice, glad he's helping himself in life, and our brief text exchange quickly fizzled. Because I've moved on from our connection. Again, very anti-climactic lol.

Anyway, keep going through your process, even if it seems difficult, your therapist is right. If you want to heal, it was inevitable that you'd hit this wall, and uncovering all the layers is painful but it's impossible to process and heal otherwise. So you're doing well, even when it's painful.

Great post deanna ! I can really see your growth in this post and I can relate on a deep and sympathetic level. I am 41 and also in awe of how clearly this all has not only defined exactly what was going on but explained it from both sides. This forum has helped me grow so fast to a level I never even thought possible, and even then I have just only started. The possibilities are inspiring as are seeing so many others such as yourself stop in and make such progress as well right before my eyes!

Hope your vacation is relaxing and invigorating. Best wishes to you on your journey!

Finally had chance to read through your post properly - YES, can see why you saw a lot of similarities in our stories. How are you feeling today?

Have you heard of the Personal Development School with Thais Gibson? I watched one of her vids the other day, which was about why you get into a space of obsessing about an ex. www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUWBKkqQSzs It was interesting to go through this exercise and try and figure out what it was that was making me go into such a deep rumination state at times. She basically says that it's because you've got an unmet need, so if you can figure out what that unmet need is and start trying to give it to yourself in some other way, then the grip on that person will become less. Not sure if that might help you. She's got some great vids about becoming more secure and how to move on from things and look after yourself.

I do think that after a while, once you've analysed and looked at all the moving parts of what went wrong, figured out where you can improve for the future, and what you can take forwards in terms of learnings, it is beneficial to let that side of it go a little bit. Easier said than done though, right?! You're deserving of love, understanding and respect, even though you made some mistakes. Please don't forget that. Doesn't sound like you got it.

I feel a little bit the same as you in terms of that I felt I knew 'some' about attachment, but not enough. After I did heaps of work on myself in between my marriage and this most recent relationship, I was able to show up in a completely different way, and with heaps more secure ways of relating. I actually felt proud of the way I was showing up in the face of his clear insecurity. But I didn't have full awareness around my own behaviour, and so there are plenty of things that I did that were still telling of my anxious attachment. Things that I can see now would have put pressure on him and made him want to withdraw. I have kicked myself and wished I had done it differently, wished I'd had more insight - wished I'd done it perfectly!

BUT... and here's the important part for I suspect both of us to consider - that's just a half of the picture. So even if I had shown up as perfect, he still has all this insecurity that is absolutely nothing to do with me. It's HIS responsibility to communicate to me if he wanted me to stop doing something or do something differently. But he didn't! Even if I had approached all of it perfectly, I think it would have prolonged the outcome, but I believe the outcome would have eventually been the same, and that's because they've got their own blocks in the way of communicating well and having an open, vulnerable and trusting relationship. And if there's only one of you that is relating in a healthy way, the relationship really can't exist, because why would you want it to? You'd get jack of that pretty quickly.

Imagine how much better we'll now be able to show up in our next relationship given we've got all this extra insight?? I think this is a good and positive thing.

It's super hard to let go of the idea of what could have been. But the truth is so much murkier than our memories allow us to remember when we're going through a breakup. The truth is, I had HUGE doubts all the way along because of all the red flags. I was talking to friends along the way and they were concerned, but the more aware of my friends knew that I have a pretty good handle on myself, and perhaps there were lessons I needed to learn... I do feel like that's the case. I now see my ex as teacher, not a soulmate. I was meant to meet him and have this experience, but only so in preparation for my next adventure.

I am going to choose to get over him now rather than later. He's taken up too much of my energy and I have spent too much of the last year trying to calm my nervous system from the stress of how it all unfolded. I could be spending all that time on something else! I expect to have grief and sadness as part of the process, but I'm also embracing the feeling of freedom, and the selfishness of thinking about just myself for the time being.

Sounds like you're a super aware, kind-hearted person with lots of love to give, and a desire to be your best. Wishing you lots of luck as you continue this journey. It sounds like you're closer than you think to being able to move into an easier zone...

Ah, don't be too tough on yourself about nursing the thoughts of getting back together. I've definitely spent time sitting with those fantasies too, and don't worry, I also watched all those FA videos too before I moved onto the ones about secure attachment!! We're all the same, nobody's got it together really, and I don't think we're meant to really.

It's an interesting concept to focus purely on your own needs and feelings etc. Like, to really, really embrace it is something that feels so foreign to me a lot of the time as it just comes naturally for me to worry about other people and their responses to things and how I can make it easier for them. I guess it's something that has many layers, with attachment wounding as well as patriarchal influences and all the rest of the conditioning we receive as we grow up. But I do think a lot of our problems are solvable when we come back to ourselves and find that connection with our own values and needs. Not to say that we need to selfishly follow only our own pursuits without a care about others, but to find your intuition and have the courage to follow it and communicate it to others is such a powerful skill.

I hope you can do lots of things that light you up and bring a little bit of joy into your day while you move through this tricky time as well. x

Yes deanna , it's the not understanding why part that keeps us stuck in that rumination and sadness sometimes, doesn't it? It's completely unfair for him to not have given you the respect of communicating how he felt and what he wanted. It certainly does seem true that closure seems hard for someone with a very insecure attachment.

Perhaps there is still opportunity for you to decide the ending of your choice though? Even though he disappeared and took away any chance for a conversation, are you able to find the truth of what happened and how you feel and solidify it in your brain? Consider writing him a letter and burn it under the full moon or something symbolic like that? Nobody can take your truth or power away from you, but it's just hard to hold onto it sometimes when you're going through sadness and anxiety. You deserve more than what he was able to offer you, and even though he pulled the door shut, you can still decide to walk away from the door completely and find another one.

When my ex broke up with me, I couldn't believe how cold and brutal he was, totally different to the person I'd spend the last 9 months with. No care whatsoever and I felt totally disrespected. But after a few days when the shock had died down a little (and this was before I knew about the other girl!), I decided to take my power back and I sent him a lovely message saying what I was grateful for from our time together, wished him well... I wanted to give him the respect that he didn't really give to me, because that was the way that I like to leave relationships. I think there's a tiny part of me that was trying to soothe my own anxiety of the abrupt ending and I know I definitely have a bit of a problem with having unresolved conflict in my life, but mostly I just wanted to exit in my own way, without him taking that away from me. He replied, but it was very brief and not warm at all, certainly his response didn't make me feel any better. But even now, knowing what I do about him overlapping, I don't regret sending that message, because I got to leave with my integrity intact and that means a lot to me.

Another thing I've done in the last month or so is write some affirmations, which I try and look at daily and say them out loud.. things about giving my permission for my ex to move on with whoever he wants, that I have no hold over him now and give myself permission to let go of him etc, but I've also written down some powerful statements about things I deserve, that I deserve to be heard and I deserve someone to stick around for the tough conversations, I deserve to be supported etc. Trying to work on building the confidence I know I've lost.

I relate so much to what you're saying about reading all the stories and how they concurrently make you feel like it helps as well as keeping you stuck... I think it's just our minds searching for safety, searching for reassurance and answers, because deep down the fear is that I'm not enough, that I could have prevented it, I could have done more, I'm going to be alone, I'm not wanted etc etc. And they're just shitty stories that our egos make up to keep us playing small.

I'm currently trying to put the time where I feel anxious and want to search for answers online into something different, so I'm trying to learn the guitar! But it's also lovely to be able to come on here and connect and feel like there's people who get it. Keep us posted on how you're going?!