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Post by sunrisequest on May 12, 2022 6:22:30 GMT
I hope that each week takes you a bit closer to that feeling of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself and any mistakes you made as well acceptance that it's ended.
It also makes me laugh when I notice the crazy 2 steps forwards, one back, two to the side, three forwards, two back dance in terms of progress. I've told my friends so confidently some days that I'm totally over it and feeling so strong, but then the next day if he appeared at my door I know I'd just crumble and take him back. That's why I know that absolutely no contact is the best thing for me until those feelings completely disappear. I also peeked at his social media recently and that was a terrible idea. But I'm trying to just approach it all with a sense of objectivity - notice my change in emotions, notice that I'm not always strong... try not to judge myself for any of it and just see it as part of the process.
I actually logged onto a dating app the other day, just to see how I'd feel - and I felt sick and anxious for most of the day, so I don't think I'm quite ready yet, but I'm actually going to get out there and try some light dating soon.
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Post by deanna on May 15, 2022 7:18:54 GMT
Ah sunrisequest, once again I am relating strongly to where you're at. I too went back on a dating app only to quickly realise 'noooo'- I think I just wanted some validation. I've looked the ex'e social media too but he's posted not one thing the entire time, not that he was that regular, but it's noticeably blank. It's like he completely disappeared. I'm also telling friends I'm over it or moving past it, which sometimes feels like the truth... I'm also just being quiet about it because it is embarrassing to sometimes still be so consumed about the end of a 3 month relationship which ended six or so weeks ago. This week has been tough because I have covid and I live alone and my abandonment anxiety is flaring like there's no tomorrow. I'm well looked after, but suddenly I am mourning him all over again and fighting urge to contact him - in this context, my attachment issues are sooo transparent so I am trying to observe myself and just see it for what it is. Until last year, I had never lived alone and I am still coming to terms with it. I thought it was what I had always wanted (my own FA tendencies) but I look back and see a pattern of me moving one man out and soon after another in. Part of clinging to the idea of reconciliation with R is not wanting to face the work of making my solo self and world secure. We can just keep on keeping on right, sometimes faking it til we make it, sometimes having the lightbulb moments and feeling genuine progress. All the best to you and everyone on this site x |
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 10, 2022 16:25:07 GMT
I've now read so much more about attachment, I've ended up in the impasse - was it love, or was it attachment? What was projection, and what was real? My heightened anxious state over these past few weeks is definitely insecure attachment let loose - I still have moments each day when I think getting back together with him would be the only thing that could make me feel better. hi, i am still not finished reading the thread, but a thought occurred to me that now that R is a big blank canvas, due to the blocking and the silence, it can be even easier to project some kind of ideal happy ending onto him, and convince yourself you are missing out on this blissful outcome. maybe it was just me that did that after a break up, but i feel like it is a mind trick, and when you feel like this again, if you are able to focus on some of the things you shared about how you felt about him at the beginning, like, the things you saw in him as tiny red flags, maybe it can help you keep a balance from feeling getting back together is the only thing that works. i was really inspired how you shared about rocking and listening to music for hours to self-soothe, as this is something i have always done. its nice to know other people do this too. hope you are doing okay.. i am going to keep reading the thread.. |
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Post by deanna on Jun 12, 2022 12:56:29 GMT
Hi elizabeth! Thanks so much for engaging. I've not visited this site for a while, but I did today because I was fighting the urge again not to contact R, & I find it helps to revisit the wisdom here, and to read about how others are doing. It has become easier to do as you suggest - to remember the red flags - and as such R is coming into focus as a person again, someone who ultimately was not right for me. I can see my attachment in action now so much more clearly too - I had a bad day today, so I regressed into thinking R was my solution again- it has passed quickly thankfully. How interesting that you are also a music listening self soothing rocker - it does help to know there are others out there. I have been discussing it with my therapist. She thinks it is a healthy outlet and also a classic response to childhood trauma & or stress, usually developed in childhood. That's when I started. She has helped me accept this though I can definitely overdo it if triggered or overwhelmed. I read an article once in the NY Times from one of their authors who does it all the time, and with no mention of trauma or shame - so refreshing! I must chase it up. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2022 14:19:25 GMT
I started rocking myself as a child probably because no one else was when I needed it. I do occasionally now, if under a severe amount of emotional stress, but the habit of self soothing this way diminished over time as I became more emotionally peaceful and content (safe).
It's been pathologized by the image of mentally ill patients rocking themselves perhaps. Interestingly, I had to withdraw from heavy pain meds after being hospitalized and I could not stop moving, rocking, swinging my hands, walking.... as part of that withdrawal. It was AWFUL and I felt crazy. But it was nothing at all like self soothing rocking, it was an internal twitch and need to move.
Mothers rock their babies for a reason, it's soothing to the human nervous system. I got to rock my baby (month old) granddaughter this weekend and she loved it, calmed right down with a beautiful peaceful expression on her face. Think nothing more of it, it's self love and protection and a maternal instinct we can apply to ourselves. 🧡
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Post by anne12 on Jun 12, 2022 14:35:02 GMT
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 13, 2022 22:18:12 GMT
Hi elizabeth ! Thanks so much for engaging. I've not visited this site for a while, but I did today because I was fighting the urge again not to contact R, & I find it helps to revisit the wisdom here, and to read about how others are doing. It has become easier to do as you suggest - to remember the red flags - and as such R is coming into focus as a person again, someone who ultimately was not right for me. I can see my attachment in action now so much more clearly too - I had a bad day today, so I regressed into thinking R was my solution again- it has passed quickly thankfully. How interesting that you are also a music listening self soothing rocker - it does help to know there are others out there. I have been discussing it with my therapist. She thinks it is a healthy outlet and also a classic response to childhood trauma & or stress, usually developed in childhood. That's when I started. She has helped me accept this though I can definitely overdo it if triggered or overwhelmed. I read an article once in the NY Times from one of their authors who does it all the time, and with no mention of trauma or shame - so refreshing! I must chase it up. you are welcome! i feel thankful to have found this place. how are you getting on with the no contact? sometimes it can seem like a mental arm wrestling match. like the proverbial angel and devil on your shoulder. i have been doing the rocking since i was old enough to physically do it. there was a fair bit of trauma and chaos for sure. when examining why i did it, as an adult, i had some weird theory that it increased my adrenaline because it has always made me feel so good. it is very soothing. the only detriment is that sometimes i would rather do that than build a healthy social circle or do more enriching activities. i can certainly keep at it for days on end if i have the time! i have seen some people call it maladaptive daydreaming, but i dont believe it is that for me, because mostly when doing it, i am replaying out things that occurred in my real life, and imagining various outcomes, so, not only is it soothing, but it enables me to process all my thoughts and prepare for eventualities which may occur in real life. I have always felt ashamed of it, and hide it from everyone i know. @introvert is so correct in the post after yours, because it has been very stigmatized. I cant believe I already found two people here who do it on here. I cant be that crazy then!  Hope you are doing ok. |
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 13, 2022 22:28:55 GMT
I started rocking myself as a child probably because no one else was when I needed it. I do occasionally now, if under a severe amount of emotional stress, but the habit of self soothing this way diminished over time as I became more emotionally peaceful and content (safe). It's been pathologized by the image of mentally ill patients rocking themselves perhaps. Interestingly, I had to withdraw from heavy pain meds after being hospitalized and I could not stop moving, rocking, swinging my hands, walking.... as part of that withdrawal. It was AWFUL and I felt crazy. But it was nothing at all like self soothing rocking, it was an internal twitch and need to move. Mothers rock their babies for a reason, it's soothing to the human nervous system. I got to rock my baby (month old) granddaughter this weekend and she loved it, calmed right down with a beautiful peaceful expression on her face. Think nothing more of it, it's self love and protection and a maternal instinct we can apply to ourselves. 🧡 Thank you for this reply. Your words are quite beautiful! And i love to imagine your tiny granddaughter feeling so at peace in your arms. I used to rock my little brother to sleep too. It is such a peaceful and loving feeling to share. You are so correct about the shame and stigma. It is not really socially acceptable, because people don't really understand what they are seeing. I will be moving in with my boyfriend in six months, and he is giving me my own room because he knows that i need a lot of space. he doesnt know why, but i told him i 'do something weird', and i dont want anyone to see me do it, and that someday i may have the courage to tell him what it is. he didnt even pry. he said, no problem, you dont have to tell me anything until you are ready. i may be onto a winner here with this guy, if i can just open my heart to trust him, but i am in therapy and we are working on it. dont want to hijack the thread though, but thank you and deanna and anne12 (Not sure how to tag people). |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2022 0:39:19 GMT
I started rocking myself as a child probably because no one else was when I needed it. I do occasionally now, if under a severe amount of emotional stress, but the habit of self soothing this way diminished over time as I became more emotionally peaceful and content (safe). It's been pathologized by the image of mentally ill patients rocking themselves perhaps. Interestingly, I had to withdraw from heavy pain meds after being hospitalized and I could not stop moving, rocking, swinging my hands, walking.... as part of that withdrawal. It was AWFUL and I felt crazy. But it was nothing at all like self soothing rocking, it was an internal twitch and need to move. Mothers rock their babies for a reason, it's soothing to the human nervous system. I got to rock my baby (month old) granddaughter this weekend and she loved it, calmed right down with a beautiful peaceful expression on her face. Think nothing more of it, it's self love and protection and a maternal instinct we can apply to ourselves. 🧡 Thank you for this reply. Your words are quite beautiful! And i love to imagine your tiny granddaughter feeling so at peace in your arms. I used to rock my little brother to sleep too. It is such a peaceful and loving feeling to share. You are so correct about the shame and stigma. It is not really socially acceptable, because people don't really understand what they are seeing. I will be moving in with my boyfriend in six months, and he is giving me my own room because he knows that i need a lot of space. he doesnt know why, but i told him i 'do something weird', and i dont want anyone to see me do it, and that someday i may have the courage to tell him what it is. he didnt even pry. he said, no problem, you dont have to tell me anything until you are ready. i may be onto a winner here with this guy, if i can just open my heart to trust him, but i am in therapy and we are working on it. dont want to hijack the thread though, but thank you and deanna and anne12 (Not sure how to tag people). I have my own room at my boyfriends house, I stay for long weekends and mostly have my own room because I sleep better (he snores haha) but I also prefer to go to sleep by myself, its very calming for me to snuggle up alone and drift off. I don't know if he knows that I rock! As I mentioned, I don't do it very often, anymore. I'm generally less disregulated. It seems maybe I told him at some point, but he's very compassionate about my needs. It took a long time for him to understand me, but we've established trust and intimacy and I cherish being able to be genuine. It's a real act of self love to represent yourself without shame, or even to share your shame or embarrassment and ask for help with it. Honestly, there are times now when in the past I would have rocked myself and I ask to be held instead. So that's a step into interdependence whereas the rocking is independence for self soothing. I hardly ever deal with things alone anymore, I've even cried in his arms. So he does the rocking and soothing now. I am thankful for that and it's also a stressor to my avoidant self for fear of what I would do if something happened to him. That's probably a small ache I will live with forever so I just go with it and let myself depend on him. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2022 0:42:49 GMT
Maybe you could start by eliminating the word "weird", and coming up with another word or description for what rocking means to you. Maybe you do something wonderful, and some folks just don't get it, but you do and that's all that matters. 😜
Any man who loves you will help you feel safe with this. He might ask to hold you when you are stressed, the right man will want to take care of you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2022 0:52:52 GMT
Maybe you could start by eliminating the word "weird", and coming up with another word or description for what rocking means to you. Maybe you do something wonderful, and some folks just don't get it, but you do and that's all that matters. 😜 Any man who loves you will help you feel safe with this. He might ask to hold you when you are stressed, the right man will want to take care of you. Edit: I realize how much I've changed in a couple of years since we started dating, it used to drive me nuts when he would try to comfort me. I'd literally push him away so I could stand back and take care of myself. so I would understand if what I'm proposing seems unappealing hahaha! |
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 14, 2022 1:53:46 GMT
well i suppose i never really interpret it as a need to be comforted, i just super enjoy being lost in my thoughts to music and roaming my mind. i feel like it is how i want to wind down at the end of the day. since i live alone, that can turn into hours, and weekends, but i can go a long time without doing it and i do get out and about if i feel like it, but i just love doing it. yes definitely if something stressful happened i would feel a need to do it. sometimes even if something really exciting and happy happens. so yeh it must have started as a regulating thing in response to extremes of emotion, but it has also turned into something pleasurable and relaxing for me. it`s a fair point i shouldn`t frame the rocking in such a negative context. i guess that is part of the shame of it and some kind of self-deprecating way of introducing it to another.
it will be interesting to see how much or how little i feel the need to do it when me & he are living together. we`ve known each other for decades, since we were kids. we have somewhat witnessed each others' trauma first hand. i moved away for a very long time and just moved back. we reunited and BAM. we have been doing the long distance thing for almost a year and in six months im heading to his city to live with him in his house. being in a relationship with someone i really love is terrifying, because i really do love him. the history adds a layer of trust i do not believe i would ever be able to share with anyone else, so sometimes i get freaked out that he is gonna vanish into thin air because he is the most special man i have ever known, for over half my life! i think i am getting my head around it though. i am learning how to combat my fears and the inner critic, which is really just trying to keep you safe, but isnt always dealing in reality and can be a bit of a pessimist and terrorize your mind with worst case scenarios !! im learning to observe confirmation bias in my mind, where that nagging little thing will try and find evidence that my man doesnt love me. once i have started to listen to my mind and see how i am doing it, it is getting easier to get in front of it and stop it before i emotionally invest in the thought.
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Post by deanna on Jun 15, 2022 12:51:26 GMT
what a fascinating and beautiful detour and discussion on this thread @introvert and elizabeth. I too love to listen to music and rock and get lost in thoughts. I too have found myself rocking less when cohabiting with a partner, but I've never stopped altogether and eventually all of them have walked into a room and seen me doing it which has been interesting ... always a turning point, & each time it was because I thought I was home alone. Nothing negative ever came of it, and it usually prompted some good discussion which brought us closer. With my last live in boyfriend, we had separate bedrooms - by then I'd figured out, aged fortysomething that I functioned best when I had space and proximity. He hated it though, & ultimately we fizzled out. I've only recently started to think of rocking as a way to regulate / self soothe as it's intensified now that I am living alone for the first time in my life. I'm still getting used to it, & I think it's part of why I've taken the break up with FA ex so hard - it has coincided with this new phase of life. I realise living with people has been a way for me to not disappear entirely into my ancient coping mechanisms and habits. Lots to think about! Thanks all. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2022 1:27:55 GMT
How funny, we all like to sleep alone and like to rock ourselves, also. Girls Rock. 😜 Do you have a rocking chair, either of you deanna elizabeth? I love my big fat rocking recliner. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2022 1:29:02 GMT
well i suppose i never really interpret it as a need to be comforted, i just super enjoy being lost in my thoughts to music and roaming my mind. i feel like it is how i want to wind down at the end of the day. since i live alone, that can turn into hours, and weekends, but i can go a long time without doing it and i do get out and about if i feel like it, but i just love doing it. yes definitely if something stressful happened i would feel a need to do it. sometimes even if something really exciting and happy happens. so yeh it must have started as a regulating thing in response to extremes of emotion, but it has also turned into something pleasurable and relaxing for me. it`s a fair point i shouldn`t frame the rocking in such a negative context. i guess that is part of the shame of it and some kind of self-deprecating way of introducing it to another. it will be interesting to see how much or how little i feel the need to do it when me & he are living together. we`ve known each other for decades, since we were kids. we have somewhat witnessed each others' trauma first hand. i moved away for a very long time and just moved back. we reunited and BAM. we have been doing the long distance thing for almost a year and in six months im heading to his city to live with him in his house. being in a relationship with someone i really love is terrifying, because i really do love him. the history adds a layer of trust i do not believe i would ever be able to share with anyone else, so sometimes i get freaked out that he is gonna vanish into thin air because he is the most special man i have ever known, for over half my life! i think i am getting my head around it though. i am learning how to combat my fears and the inner critic, which is really just trying to keep you safe, but isnt always dealing in reality and can be a bit of a pessimist and terrorize your mind with worst case scenarios !! im learning to observe confirmation bias in my mind, where that nagging little thing will try and find evidence that my man doesnt love me. once i have started to listen to my mind and see how i am doing it, it is getting easier to get in front of it and stop it before i emotionally invest in the thought. I started a thread about working with the inner critic not too long ago. There is a really nice exercise for it there. |
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