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Post by tnr9 on Apr 3, 2022 13:32:32 GMT
Yes that description of 'I love you' resonated with me too. I think we both said it to provide the reassurance we both wanted and to let our guards down more. Then I stuffed it- damn those critter thoughts. I'm back at the self blame today. I did feel anxious the day after the 'I love you'- excited, scared, concerned it was too early. And one of his last texts to me was 'you took the opportunity of I love you to give a bad performance review'. Sigh. Wow…that is a very presumptuous text on his part. I know it is easy to slip into blame….but every time you go there…treat yourself the opposite….take a bubble bath, get a massage, go for a walk, eat something yummy. |
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Post by deanna on Apr 3, 2022 23:36:21 GMT
Thank you tnr9 for the kindness you've shown this weekend each time I've posted about blaming myself for everything. I let myself hit bottom with the rumination and the research, including as a way to stop myself chasing after him. But I've replaced that w trying to understand him. I see what a problem that is but I can't seem to stop it at the moment. I definitely identify with various aspects of FA but whatever deactivation I've experienced in the past has never taken the form of a complete block - a few hours or at most days. I need to stop reading FA threads on reddit about this! Eg about 'the icks'. I'm now in week 2 post- crash and burn and need to shift to acceptance and understanding myself above all. Thanks to anyone reading! It really does help |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 4, 2022 1:03:09 GMT
Thank you tnr9 for the kindness you've shown this weekend each time I've posted about blaming myself for everything. I let myself hit bottom with the rumination and the research, including as a way to stop myself chasing after him. But I've replaced that w trying to understand him. I see what a problem that is but I can't seem to stop it at the moment. I definitely identify with various aspects of FA but whatever deactivation I've experienced in the past has never taken the form of a complete block - a few hours or at most days. I need to stop reading FA threads on reddit about this! Eg about 'the icks'. I'm now in week 2 post- crash and burn and need to shift to acceptance and understanding myself above all. Thanks to anyone reading! It really does help That is okay! This is a journey and it's step by step. I've rarely if ever experienced a total deactivation towards someone and I'm pretty FA. I've read there are two types of FA that come from either an anxious or avoidant place so they can show up differently. I personally find the Reddit attachment subs pretty toxic so I ended up downloading a blocking app to block Reddit completely for hours at a time to break that habit. One thing I did find helpful was to start reading books on self esteem. Communication. Etc. It helped me channel that I need to research urge to something that was more me focused. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2022 1:30:28 GMT
Thank you tnr9 for the kindness you've shown this weekend each time I've posted about blaming myself for everything. I let myself hit bottom with the rumination and the research, including as a way to stop myself chasing after him. But I've replaced that w trying to understand him. I see what a problem that is but I can't seem to stop it at the moment. I definitely identify with various aspects of FA but whatever deactivation I've experienced in the past has never taken the form of a complete block - a few hours or at most days. I need to stop reading FA threads on reddit about this! Eg about 'the icks'. I'm now in week 2 post- crash and burn and need to shift to acceptance and understanding myself above all. Thanks to anyone reading! It really does help The thing is…..he wasn’t just FA…he was also dealing with depression which has it’s own set of issues. I know it would be fantastic if there was a tidy answer to this….but there isn’t. I agree that taking a break from reading about FA is probably a good step. Also….you may want to check out the grief recovery handbook. You are experiencing the grief of an ended relationship…which takes time. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 4, 2022 6:04:05 GMT
Breastmassage for releasing grief If you dont process grief through your heart and through your breasts it can become stagnent stuck energy. Therfore A breast massage could be beneficial. In the first direction: down on the outside and up between the breasts. This direction releases the energy, voltages etc. You can possibly START by simply placing a loving, gentle, supportive hand on your heart Your heart is the center of your energy body Breast and heart massage is a beautyfull way to come back to yourself Breasts are extencion of your heartcenter Do the massage with coconut Oil or massage with your clothes on. If you have ultra large,breasts you can massage one breast at a time youtu.be/OPfy1d5GhEo |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 4, 2022 6:21:31 GMT
You can support yourself by taking care of your little inner girl, if you can get in touch with her inside of you.
Where can you feel her in the body?
Put a hand on the bodypart and say something to her like,:
"I'm here for you now. I know you felt abandoned at that time, but I'm here for you now little girl".
And then give her a hug
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Post by anne12 on Apr 4, 2022 6:25:09 GMT
Work with a broken heart in 3 levels: (maybe you have to only work with only one of the 3 levels) The mental / the cognetive level: What has happend in the relationship ? Why did it end ? What was my own tribute ? What was my ex´s tribute ? (There can be anger, sadness ect.) It can be that, you diden´t had the chance to repair, because you or your ex ended the relationship. It can be that you expected to grow old and having kids with this person, but it ended, so you couldent get your needs and wants met with this person. The broken heart can also stem from an old relationship from many years ago. Healing a broken heart on the emotionel level: Exercise: Think of your ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend. Maybe you know which hartbreake, that blocks you from moving on. Say the persons name out loud. What happens in your your body, when you think/say the persons name? Which sensations and / or feelings: Sensations: Nausia, contractions, headacke, tightnes ect. Feelings: Frustration, sadness ect. And where: In your stomac, your heart, your throath ect.? The body never lies. Your body will tell you, how you feel now with that situation. (The avoidant can have trouble feeling the feelings/the bodysensations) It is normal to grieve. There is often also some anger. The relationsship dident work out, as you wanted. Anger is a natural feeling. Use Leonard Jacobsens angermeditation and the two chair exercise to get you anger transformed into lifeenergy, so that you can move on. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/Healing a broken heart on The instinctive level: (unconsious level- survivel instincts - reptile part of the brain) The body and the nerveussystem. The part you can not control - created in your childhood and maby also later in your life. Fight, flight, freeze. When you can not fight or flee, you go into freeze mode. Your attatchment style, shows how you bond. This part of the brain, chooses who you attract. As a child, you do not choose your attatchment style. The old part of the brain, do not know the difference between the past, the precent and the future. What is love for you (inprinted in your nerveus system from your childhood) ?: Calming, relaxing, happyness, loving, carring, belonging, connection, stability, trusting ect ? Or fear, abandoment, overwhelming, unpredictable, needyness, crossing of boundaries, shame, not safe, lonelyness ect. ? |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 4, 2022 6:46:09 GMT
deanna, I wanted to contribute with a couple things going on here. But even before I do that, tread really lightly with attachment theory on reddit. It's generally a younger crowd and a case of the blind leading the blind (ugh, that's such a terrible phrase, is there a less offensive way to say that? Lol). I browsed it once and it gave me a headache. There were a few people posting who gave good advice, but mostly it was... frustrating to read. The couple things I wanted to add: this isn't all your fault, so try to interrupt your thought pattern of blaming yourself and negative self-talk. Early on, you said you had a conflict and he thought you broke up with him when you hadn't communicated that at all. So there was always a deep communication issue, which made a misunderstanding like this inevitable. I don't think it is a coincidence that this happened soon after emotional intimacy increased. For someone leaning anxious, hearing I love you does feel safe and like anxiety relief. For someone leaning avoidant, it's the opposite, and to re-regulate, they will create distance, perhaps start fights, perhaps look for an excuse to ghost. What you described during your last conversation was a mess on his side, too. People earnestly ready and seeking to work through their own issues and who want a relationship don't engage in the manner in which he did. How do you have a conversation that way? Texting is a terrible medium for serious discussions, which you know, but he didn't pick up the phone to straighten things out either: he blocked you! This was not a safe dynamic, and you dated just long enough to learn that. It hurts, really bad, when something like this happens while you're still in limerance and you get shaken out of it quite suddenly, the connection cut. It can and does feel like chemical withdrawal for about a month after an intense emotional connection suddenly ends. And that's where the insecure attachment issues come in. On your end, you're struggling to "understand him" now for a few reasons. First, you're looking for a silver bullet to reestablish the connection and make the anxiety and overwhelm (and rumination) stop. This is actually a way to give yourself an illusion of control, and it gets you stuck in the "bargaining" stage of mourning which means getting stuck before you fully emotionally process. A big issue for all insecure styles is not being able to fully process stress and emotions, never getting to acceptance. One main reason this happens is because all these romantic relationships are activating old wounds from earlier in life, whether or not it feels that way and whether or not it's intuitive. Getting hurt like this is pressing up against another dynamic from earlier in life, another time this happened, magnifying something that wasn't processed or resolved before. There's a great and helpful thread here about that, called over- and under-coupling. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-responseUsually, someone with an insecure attachment style needed to figure out as a child how to stay attached to an adult who didn't meet their needs or behaved unforgivably, because it was necessary to survival. That means abandoning yourself, forcing yourself to find ways to accept the unacceptable, to maintain the connection. It makes sense in childhood, and does not serve you in adult romantic relationships because you don't need another person to outright survive. But once this set of defense mechanisms to maintain the connection at all costs forms (your FA attachment style), you don't grow out of it as an adult without concerted and conscious effort. While your breakup is fresh and you may not be ready to focus on yourself quite yet, the answers and healing come from when you can sit with yourself and go deeper than the pain you're feeling that seems to be coming from the situation with him. Having compassion for the hurting child inside you, finding strength in yourself that you deserve better than someone who only knows how to love someone by stonewalling them, examining if this dynamic is familiar to you because it's mirroring earlier life experiences, and then taking control back of your own narrative (which you can do) instead of trying to control the situation (which is impossible to do). It's a lot to process, but it's where you get started after a breakup if you really want to deal with your attachment wounding and break out of the cycle in the future. There's a lot of resources on this forum to help you do that, more efficiently in tandem with a good therapist, and that will get you further than driving yourself crazy reading people misapplying attachment theory on reddit.
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Post by deanna on Apr 4, 2022 13:36:13 GMT
Having compassion for the hurting child inside you, finding strength in yourself that you deserve better than someone who only knows how to love someone by stonewalling them, examining if this dynamic is familiar to you because it's mirroring earlier life experiences, and then taking control back of your own narrative (which you can do) instead of trying to control the situation (which is impossible to do). It's a lot to process, but it's where you get started after a breakup if you really want to deal with your attachment wounding and break out of the cycle in the future. There's a lot of resources on this forum to help you do that, more efficiently in tandem with a good therapist, and that will get you further than driving yourself crazy reading people misapplying attachment theory on reddit. Thanks for your wise and compassionate words alexandra and especially these. I've been seeing a therapist on and off for years, always prompted by a breakup or major grief. But once the crisis seems to have passed and I feel on a more even keel, I wind it back and think I am getting on with my life. I tell myself I am a survivor, which I am (as much as any of us are), but this break up, as fresh as it is, has given me a wake up call. I definitely still have so much to process about men leaving me and the intense feelings of abandonment I experience. Plus the self- blame, as though it's all my fault. In addition to posting here, lurking on reddit, watching all the YouTubes, I've also read out my texts to friends as proof it was 'my fault' and they have been utterly gobsmacked by this reaction. Not only because of the content of the texts, but because I would feel compelled to do this - as well as to downplay other factors like previous miscommunication and, as tnr9 reminds me, his depression. I'm still deeply shaken and weepy (there's definitely a comedown feeling from the connection I had with him), but I can sense movement too, and today I actually found myself thinking 'I don't want him to contact me, not yet anyway' & also coming to terms with possibly/ probably never seeing him again. There's definitely been a shift, and thanks all for helping me along. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2022 14:03:34 GMT
Having compassion for the hurting child inside you, finding strength in yourself that you deserve better than someone who only knows how to love someone by stonewalling them, examining if this dynamic is familiar to you because it's mirroring earlier life experiences, and then taking control back of your own narrative (which you can do) instead of trying to control the situation (which is impossible to do). It's a lot to process, but it's where you get started after a breakup if you really want to deal with your attachment wounding and break out of the cycle in the future. There's a lot of resources on this forum to help you do that, more efficiently in tandem with a good therapist, and that will get you further than driving yourself crazy reading people misapplying attachment theory on reddit. Thanks for your wise and compassionate words alexandra and especially these. I've been seeing a therapist on and off for years, always prompted by a breakup or major grief. But once the crisis seems to have passed and I feel on a more even keel, I wind it back and think I am getting on with my life. I tell myself I am a survivor, which I am (as much as any of us are), but this break up, as fresh as it is, has given me a wake up call. I definitely still have so much to process about men leaving me and the intense feelings of abandonment I experience. Plus the self- blame, as though it's all my fault. In addition to posting here, lurking on reddit, watching all the YouTubes, I've also read out my texts to friends as proof it was 'my fault' and they have been utterly gobsmacked by this reaction. Not only because of the content of the texts, but because I would feel compelled to do this - as well as to downplay other factors like previous miscommunication and, as tnr9 reminds me, his depression. I'm still deeply shaken and weepy (there's definitely a comedown feeling from the connection I had with him), but I can sense movement too, and today I actually found myself thinking 'I don't want him to contact me, not yet anyway' & also coming to terms with possibly/ probably never seeing him again. There's definitely been a shift, and thanks all for helping me along. It is great that you feel a shift today…do not be surprised if it feels very much 1 step forward, 2 steps back, 3 steps forward, 2 steps to the side for a while as you go through your grieving process. Honestly, I wish I had ended things completely when B broke up with me. It would have hurt like heck….but trying to be friends while still wanting to be dating prolonging my grief by years. I say this only because R slamming the door to communication (as extreme as that was) may actually be a disguised gift. Going back to what alexandra mentioned about over and under coupling….I found that I often struggled due to a history of feeling 100% responsible for the success or failure of my relationships. It is definitely worth exploring further. |
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Post by deanna on Apr 4, 2022 20:30:05 GMT
Honestly, I wish I had ended things completely when B broke up with me. It would have hurt like heck….but trying to be friends while still wanting to be dating prolonging my grief by years. I say this only because R slamming the door to communication (as extreme as that was) may actually be a disguised gift. That sounds so tough tnr9, I'm sorry you went through that. At this stage, I can't even imagine being friends with R - not only because he hurt me so much but because we were never friends to begin with. I'd go mad trying to get back to what I thought we were. But I'm definitely vulnerable to it, to going back in some form. Getting cut off felt like a kind of violence and is still sinking in, but now I know he is capable of it, I have to give up on trying to get him back/ to talk sense into him etc. I've been taking the extreme action of blocking as a measure of how much I hurt him and self-flagellating to the max. I do feel genuine remorse that I hurt him so bad he shut down, and here is where learning more about deactivation has been useful... to a point. I have to do whatever I can to move on in a healthy way. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 6, 2022 8:24:28 GMT
Honestly, I wish I had ended things completely when B broke up with me. It would have hurt like heck….but trying to be friends while still wanting to be dating prolonging my grief by years. I say this only because R slamming the door to communication (as extreme as that was) may actually be a disguised gift. That sounds so tough tnr9 , I'm sorry you went through that. At this stage, I can't even imagine being friends with R - not only because he hurt me so much but because we were never friends to begin with. I'd go mad trying to get back to what I thought we were. But I'm definitely vulnerable to it, to going back in some form. Getting cut off felt like a kind of violence and is still sinking in, but now I know he is capable of it, I have to give up on trying to get him back/ to talk sense into him etc. I've been taking the extreme action of blocking as a measure of how much I hurt him and self-flagellating to the max. I do feel genuine remorse that I hurt him so bad he shut down, and here is where learning more about deactivation has been useful... to a point. I have to do whatever I can to move on in a healthy way. Thank you and yes…it was incredibly tough. I had never in prior breakups tried to be friends “after the fact”…it was always a clean break. But with B….I wasn’t considering how confusing it would be to keep that door open while trying to deal with my feelings of wanting more. I would encourage you to explore with your therapist your role versus his…it sounds like you are still taking more then your fair share of “blame”….also….someone else was “hurt”…..and it was due to how he responded….can you be your own best advocate and see the events as a whole? |
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Post by deanna on Apr 6, 2022 9:03:14 GMT
Thanks for your continued engagement and insight tnr9 - your questions and observations have inspired some real light bulb moments. Re; friends with exes - that is one of the apparent FA tendencies I most identify with. In fact - and this is part of my self blame - the night I started the dialogue with R about seeing him more I had been out to dinner with an ex, the man I was in my longest relationship with. We live in different states now, so he's not a daily presence. We had a protracted break up and I neither of us have managed to have a proper relationship since (we broke up about three years ago). I don't pine for him or want him back, but I maintain the contact, against the advice of some friends and the queries of my therapist. She thinks it is a sign of my fearful attachment that I keep my ex around - it is an emotional connection, but at a distance. Looking back, it's no coincidence I saw my ex and decided to text R to ask if I could come over. Even walking to the dinner I thought 'I don't want to see ex tonight, it will unsettle me'. Nothing in particular happened at the dinner, it was fine- but I left feeling unsettled and wanting to reach out to R when I otherwise would have sent him a sweet goodnight and left it at that. I've had a couple of okay days but today was really bad - I'm super agitated and can't focus on my work (I live in Australia so very different time zone to everyone here). Major self blame but now because of my own FA tendencies which I thought I had been coming to terms with in therapy. My sister also shared something w me - her partner saw R a couple of days ago. R bought pot off of him. My brother in law had done this once before but knew we had ended so asked me if it was okay. I said sure, I think to see if I would come up in any way. Brother in law straight out asked him why I had been cancelled (his words) and R smiled and said nothing and that was it. It's all so depressing! Two middle aged FAs who can't deal with themselves. R is no doubt numbing out while I spend hours a day fighting the urge to contact him. Sigh. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 10, 2022 12:13:20 GMT
Just a quick check in….how are you doing today? Also…you are not the only Australian here….we also have mrob. 🙂🙂 |
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Post by mrob on Apr 10, 2022 22:17:51 GMT
There were a few of us at one time, actually!Are you on the wet side or the dry side of the country?
After reading, I wanted to offer this…
I was in an FA/FA relationship last year. I was the more anxious one, but through my time here I could see some of what was going on. The deactivations that consisted of blocking hurt. There were 4 occasions and at the second I made the decision that if it happened again, that would be it, but I couldn’t do that. Then in true FA fashion, the deactivations became closer together. I say this because I’ve been on the other side. I was in her shoes. I know the terror that leads to a deactivation. But I ended up having to look after myself. I communicated in a functional way, then when it became obvious the responses weren’t reasonable (which I didn’t expect them to be, I know I haven’t been when I’m her situation ), I blocked her everywhere. I’ve never done that before, but I needed to for my peace of mind, and to get some distance between us. The reality is that there’s no such thing as closure for an insecurely attached person.
Acting as an untreated FA has consequences. All attachment stuff aside, he may have thought he saw your true colours after a while going out and decided he didn’t want somebody who would act like that in his life. He has the right to do that. The whole insecure attachment stuff is painful.
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