I am FA & struggling with break up with FA

found it, thank you!! 

Hello all,

I was going to start a new thread this week updating my situation, partly as a way of thanking this forum for all the support and wisdom provided, and also as a way to reflect on what it's been like becoming more 'aware' of attachment issues since the sudden break with my ex back in March. But this week has thrown a couple of curve balls, and the original title of this thread still seems pertinent, so here goes...

Re: the ex. I confess to still looking at him on social media now and then (he de-friended me but did not block), but there wasn't much to see. He's been very quiet. From my last attempt to contact him with a text back in April, I've resisted the urge - and that resistance has required some vigilance, including reading over posts on here, and other sites, therapy, affirmations...whatever it takes really. I stopped wishing he would contact me. In the last month, it's felt sad really, a disappointment, rather than an all-consuming situation which it was for the first two months. 

Then earlier this week, I asked my sister whether my ex had ever gotten in touch with her partner again to procure some pot (which he did the day after it blew up between us). She said he had a number of times, and suddenly I was upset all over again - and angry this time, in an inarticulate way. I really had blamed myself when it ended so spectacularly between us, but now I was enraged. So I texted him and said so - ie. that I'd been in lots of pain too, including because he disappeared so abruptly from my life & so soon after the 'I love you's'. All the while composing it, I had the critter voice in my head, 'don't do this, you will ruin any chance you had'...I hate that that popped into my mind before 'don't do this, it will set back your hard won progress' or any of the other lessons I have learned, including that what he does with his life now is none of my business. Anyway, I sent it, and of course nothing back, and that is no surprise and a relief, as well as an alarm bell that I am still recovering from what happened with him.

The other curve ball is that I went on a date with a new person. It's someone I met online, and the date was fun and he was terrific company. However, I did not feel a spark, whereas he let me know he is very keen to see where it all goes. I told him a little about the ex, that I want to be cautious, and he seemed receptive, while also eager to accelerate things (on date one - red flag?). I feel I'm in a strange limbo space - aware of my own FA tendencies, but still in the grips. I don't know what to trust because my feelings are all over the place, plus I can see my own patterns more clearly - i.e. I tend to give people interested in me a chance because of the validation they provide - but inevitably I end up hurting everyone if that's the place I start from. I don't know what's best with this new person, for him and for me. I experienced full on limerence with the ex, the attraction was off-the-charts and it abruptly ended that way. I've read and received all sorts of conflicting advice about whether or not it's good to date when trying to do deep inner work. Distraction from my wounds and trauma has been my default to date. I guess I can just proceed with caution ...right? 

Thank you anne12 for the useful advice & guidance on multiple fronts. I will pursue all of it.

I do think I was in a triggered state when I wrote to the ex, & it is distressing because I thought I was past that stage with him, or that I had learned to push through including by texting friends instead. It reminds me of the importance of no contact for my own healing, including not asking others about him. That is what tipped me over - I was so angry that he has continued to use a contact in my world when he deactivated on me so completely I fell apart. It's been an all consuming effort to recover and learn from it & I guess that effort goes on. It's also really sad generally - I have compassion for him, but it's bad for me to dwell on his side of things.

As for the date, yes I've had a deep dive into the dating threads. I need to go slowly, but date dude is already texting a lot and seems to presume his interest means we're good to go. After one date! I wonder if I once would have found it reassuring, now I feel the need to put the breaks on.

Another good tip that could be relevant ?

A good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves:
What goes wrong for many is that they let others decide their feelings, inner states and external actions.
Not intentionally, but completely unconscious. The auto pilot takes over and creates internal turmoil and often external turmoil.

When we let others decide on our feelings, inner states and external actions, it typically happens completely unconsciously and based on one's inner work models. These are the ways we perceive others and ourselves and how we handle this situation.
People, with ambivalent attachment, are particularly vulnerable to others deciding their feelings, inner states and external actions.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
These automatic patterns - can be managed to a certain extent by placing a conscious choice between impact and response.
For example, a person could have asked himself:
What do I want
How can I be affectionate to myself
You can decide to focus on something else, 

Stop the thought as soon as it approaches ... do something physical or read something, sometimes it may be helpful to get the nervous system to land - also by the watertank exercise.

You can start doing this immediately. Type it down:
Many times daily - that's every time there's something you're reacting to either because of others or your own internal judge - say to yourself:
“I choose to ...”

Put yellow post-it notes around in your home and at your work, where it says “I choose to ..."
- so that you remember this.

Then you train that muscle to put an active choice, so that others do not have as much control over you.
(Stephen Covey's book 7 good habits.)

Hi deanna, it sounds so normal to me that you'd want to take things slowly after the experience you've just had and what you're still healing from.

It sounds like you have lots of awareness around what's going on for you at the moment and how that might potentially affect a new relationship. I don't think there's a right or a wrong to whether you enter something before you're fully healed, as long as you're doing what feels good and right for you in any given moment. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to really refine the art of setting boundaries around what you need at this time and honour that, and see how he reacts to that? If nothing else, it will be good practise, even if nothing comes out of it. If he is wanting to move quickly and that makes you feel uncomfortable, I think that's fair enough, especially given what you've been through. Perhaps he needs some clear-cut communication about exactly what you need and you can see how he reacts to that? i.e. does he need to know you need less messaging and no commitment until you've had time to see whether this is something you really want?

Ahhh the message to your ex... well I imagine the idea of sending any kind of message to him has probably come in and out of your mind so many times since he disappeared... and you had a moment where the urge became too strong. Absolutely understandable. I hope you can forgive yourself for that. It sounds like you have already taken note of the fact that it didn't help you to reach out... and perhaps strengthened the knowledge that he hasn't got the capacity to come towards you with a reasonable explanation for anything or any type of additional closure. It's a pity, but now you know for sure. This is a pattern I imagine that would have been present in your relationship had it continued. I also agree - talking about him to others, looking at their social media - it's hard not to do those things, but they really do send you backwards.

You mention the instant chemistry with your ex. I wonder how many of us who have experienced this crazy off-the-charts connection end up getting stuck afterwards because of it? Even though logically we know it's not healthy (well, I didn't so much at the time, but I do now!), there seems to be some sort of fear that we'll never reach those heights ever again. Almost like it was a drug. I have learned to see that that crazy connection I had with my ex right off the bat wasn't actually real or true. There was a lot of mirroring involved, him listening carefully to what I was saying and showing me what he thought I wanted to see rather than what was real, and for me it was filling up a deep void in terms of being seen and wanted. But it has really helped me to change my thinking around the fact that what he showed me so early on, and all of the promises, plans for the future and early expressions of love etc, were not actually coming from his heart, but actually from his fear and wounding. And me accepting them was coming from my wounding. Perhaps this is stuff you've already processed and know, but this is something that has really sunk in quite deeply for me in the last few weeks and it's helped sooooo much in letting go of a lot of the pain and disappointment I was feeling of not having that connection any more, and not being sure if I'd ever have it again. I now feel it's seeping into my subconscious and my body that I don't want that again. I'm starting to feel it in my body rather than just knowing it on an intellectual level.

p.s. I have also been dipping my toes into the apps, but I have been so so picky - and really feeling into each interaction and what my gut is telling me about it. I haven't met anyone yet - just phone chats and text conversations. I knew each one of them wasn't right, and I feel strangely good about the fact that I can just see that and let it go. It's baby steps over here!! good luck as you progress through this x