boyfriend dumped me last night

Well, I consider myself to have suffered chronic isolation from a very young age, although during my childhood being outdoors in nature and with my animals was what I sought for to feel belonging. I feel I've mostly been on the outside looking in without necessarily wanting to join, but it hit me hard when I was in an abusive relarionship in my 30s, and hadn't disclosed it to anyone, and I realized that I felt that home was nowhere and there was no where I belonged. I am not sure I was lonely for friends or for love, I was bereft not having my own world anymore maybe, being solitary (which is what I felt that relationship was.. it was him against me and me needing to escape, with no where to go)... I felt disillusioned and could no longer find a way to feel ok. So the abuse and no confidantes isolated me.

Making a companion of my loneliness was beautiful in a way, and although I didn't know anything about attachment styles I now can see it was a form of auto regulation. I did not want to disclose my pain to others, and the ultimate comfort for me was to take care of it myself and therefore not need to rely on anyone else. I felt willing to go to the end of the earth, my loneliness as my companion, to endure this and not have to trust or rely. I think it saved my life, and it was probably the very beginning of me listening to and having compassion for myself, and my feelings. It actually helped me find a sort of peace and solidity in myself, in spite of the horrible bullying I was facing. I'm fact it infuriated him, that I could sit outside under the big pine tree, and feel peace. He saw it. He would come sit beside me and build his anger, while I sat with my self and my new friend and I felt untouchable. I was too aloof. But it was right to protect myself this way, and also the only way I could.

What ultimately happened though, is my body betrayed me in the most wonderful(and mortifying) way. I was in a class, amongst good people, who cared for me and were kind to me. I had given no indication to them what kind of suffering I had at home. One day in their presence I broke down crying. Sobbing. Ultimately I confessed that I was ashamed of what was happening to me at home, and that I wanted to leave. They were so kind and nobody judged me. They thought I was strong and not weak, and they encouraged me. So that was a shift, and it happened I guess because I needed it to. I just didn't know anyone would care too much. My family didn't....

I ultimately left, obviously, and the process then was healing from trauma and starting over as a single mom. And years later, lots of stepping stones and increased awareness, learning about attachment theory, etc etc. For me, I had to open to people, as an avoidant. It took years, little by little over time.

Befriending my loneliness at that time allowed me to self regulate which is what I needed to be able to take care of myself enough to escape that world.. but it couldn't carry me further. I still lived as an avoidant for years but a healthy seed was planted and when the time was right, it grew and grew. Here I am.

For you, I suspect that the self regulation piece is key, so it may be more helpful than you think to take care of your loneliness as if it needs you as much as you need it. It does in fact need you, no one else will do. It's a paradox it seems. I wanted to be alone but I needed people most. Your journey may entail turning to yourself rather than to others. Maybe not, I cannot say. But seeking others isn't working for you, just like being alone wasn't working for me. None of it is easy, it all involves breaking of some sort.