boyfriend dumped me last night

m.youtube.com/watch?v=16L8S_w7wRQ

The Little Match Girl by H.C. Andersen 

❤️

There is no age at which it is too late, although I understand the worry.  It is an illusion to believe that our hearts or our capacity to love and be loved expire or are limited by aging.  It is true that we cannot experience the young fairy tale love, but nobody can regardless of age.  I think it is a self-rejecting narrative, and those narratives always lead us to situations that reflect rejection.

Radical acceptance is a term someone shared with me, that is helpful.  Acceptance of what is, now.  Not fighting against what our circumstance is can free up a lot of energy, and allow us to stop circular patterns of thinking and behaving. You don't have to embrace being alone forever but it sounds almost that you are trying to swallow that whole because your fear tells you that's the most likely outcome.

Life always changes and we have choices all along the way.  Those who stay stuck choose to stay stuck on some level.  Somewhere there are opportunities  to evolve that are dismissed.  For each of us, the process is very personal, what must be let go and what must be embraced is individual according to our unique conditioning.  There are general guidelines set out for us but whatever it is in your psychology that has you hamstrung right now is waiting to be discovered and transformed.  Loneliness is a fact of human existence, and it's universal.  Sometimes it's a matter of what you focus on, because what you focus on grows larger, for better or for worse.  Those are just some things I've discovered and not intended to be preachy toward you at all.  Sometimes the path is just extremely shadowy and you keep going.  The only way out is through the loneliness.

For me, my isolation was a matter of... if you play stupid games you get stupid prizes.  Really.  Every single time I made a choice and ignored red flags thinking somehow it would be ok, it wasn't.  I had to fine tune my ability to listen to my inner voice and respect that if it feels bad, it is bad, and stop avoiding that reality (when it comes to relationships).  I no longer fuck around and find out when it comes to casual sex,  having my boundaries crossed, considering myself the exception to the rule, and thinking I can handle whatever some asshole has to dish out because that's what I'm used to.  I respect myself and others and disrespect is easy for me to identify and draw a line with.  I was raised to let people pile up my plate with their bullshit.  I found out that how I treat myself is how others learn to treat me, full stop.  As within, so without.

Being independent is way better than being disrespected, objectified, and trivialized.  Self respect is superior to the respect of anybody else.

Alone can be lonely and pathetic  or it can be independent, wise, and strong, depending on your lens.

Your last relationship was lonely as all getout as you twisted and contorted yourself to accept brutal rejection based on your exes self centered way of using women as medication.   You are better off without that humiliating dynamic, always hoping to be chosen.  You accepted that situation,  you fucked around and found out playing the "choose me!" game, and you can't ever do that again.  You are better off alone (independent wise and strong, not pathetic!) than trying every day to quell the anxiety you were in.  There is a way to get through the loneliness... there was absolutely no way to get through that other than to leave eventually whether he ended it or you did.   

You will have opportunities to date again and if you fuck around you will find out.  When I met my now partner, I had tightened up my standards and chose from a different place.  Dating is serious business, we can't use it to medicate or we will find someone looking to do the same.  

Also, I now know that having the HSP trait contributed greatly to my sense of isolation and otherness.  I learned how to really honor and understand it here with Anne's help.  That's another area where I learned to stop ignoring myself and really befriend myself.  You have to do it in every area to heal self rejection.  Every little niggling self rejecting thought or belief can be challenged and changed and that's been the key for me ultimately.  

I've felt better off alone before. I was with one person for a couple years with borderline disorder who put me through hell. Definitively, I was better off when I managed to extract myself. Ditto when I left my marriage, I hurt and missed him, but at the time was certain I'd find something better.

This last relationship, though it felt bad at times, especially at the end....I am not feeling better off alone. I feel like unless there's a better r'ship for me out there, being with him was better than being alone. At least, that's how it feels right now, but I accept I am experiencing an adjustment disorder from losing the relationship, home, pets.

He acted so glib about it, "People break up every day, it's not the end of the world." Of course not for him. He was never as invested in us. He had someone else, he didn't have to move out and leave his pets.

I've been on the other side of this, been the one wanting out, the one to stay in the house, the one to quickly find someone to date. My exhusband did all the things I'm NOT doing to exbf after we broke up, he would show up at my house unannounced, told me repeatedly he wanted to kill himself, and kept asking to come back, making me reject him again and again.

My exboyfriend will never know how badly I miss him. I want to feel the way I felt for him again, and have someone feel it back. I just adored the dude. He used to teasingly call me his "little shadow" because I always wanted to be around him, always wanted to be involved in what he was doing around the house or whatever. I just thought he was so cool. I am leaving him alone not just for me but for him too, because I remember what it felt like for me when my exhusband wouldn't let go. 

To be honest, I'm kind of shocked that he hasn't reached out again. I guess I thought he'd struggle with letting go more, he said he still loved me, certainly never lost his desire for me physically whatever that's worth. Maybe that's him being kind to me.

I've had no luck with the local therapist, the office doesn't return my calls. I'm struggling to regulate emotionally. I've given up pretending to be ok in front of people I know. At first I only confided in my closest friends, but I was out last night and just started telling people (friends, not strangers) honestly how bad I'm feeling. I will take support and hugs wherever I can get them at this point.

I have said yes to every invite issued to me this weekend. I hate birthday parties, but went to one to one. When I started feeling anxious, I stepped outside. Soon, a friend joined me and I got to talk and feel supported for a bit. Then my exgirlfriend, the FA who first brought me to this board like 5 years ago, came out with her new lover to hang with us too, and they were smooching in front of me and I was happy for her.

I'm trying out for a play later this week, though I'm worried if I actually get a part it might be hard to concentrate on remembering lines, etc. I haven't done theater since pre-covid. If I pull it off maybe good for my floundering self esteem. If I don't get the part, maybe bad for my floundering self-esteem.

I've got something stuck in my head bothering me. Exbf compared me with the OW at one point, referring to me as "dark and brooding" while she was "blonde and giggly." This triggered a memory of the poly relationship I had in my early 20's where my girlfriend was blonde and giggly, and I took on the role of the dark soul. I remember wanting to *be* her, I felt like it must be so light and bright to have her mind. In the end, our shared boyfriend and she chose each other, they ended up getting married (they're still together 25+ years later) and I left.

Because I was a neglected kid, I carry a darkness. The sunny, happy, people find each other, and I'm left to sort through people with personality disorders, addictions, or those who will use me because I'm vulnerable to it.

I do quite well with self-care, I struggle with self-love? I keep clean, fed, healthy, make the bed every morning as a gift to my future self, pay bills on time, do things I enjoy and am good at, trying to grow, etc.. I do all that.

But self-love is harder, maybe because I'm not always clear on what it FEELS like to be loved? Like, if relationships are mirrors, so few people have shown me an accurate reflection. Dark and brooding isn't who I am! It's just what gets triggered when I'm feeling neglected.

Nonetheless, I recognize that I'm failing to love myself in a couple of ways. 1) sex with emotionally unavailable people. Confession: I recently went to bed with someone I don't like much and then felt bad about it. Introvert's words above about f-ing around and finding out, yeah, I concur. 2) I have no confidence in my ability to succeed financially, professionally creatively, so I start things and then don't follow through, or give up at the first obstacles.

Today I have more social stuff to do and will also try to go for a paddle. My anxiety level is about a 6.5. out of 10, which is better than yesterday where I hovered around 8. Ugh, the other day I though about going through hurricane season alone and had a panic attack.

Thank you for listening, and happy easter to those who celebrate.

I relate to everything you've said in your last post. I feel like I have so much darkness in me and I can't just be light and cheerful. Men start off thinking of me as strong and independent because like you I have the self care down but then over time they come to see me as sad and feel sorry for me.

It feels like a catch 22. Be authentic and let people see I'm not always bright and shiny or hide that entire part of me.

I wish I had answers for you but I'm struggling with all the same things. Half started or abandoned dreams and plans.

lovebunny

Hmmm…
I was thinking about where in the world it is possible to get a sence of community in your daily life ..so that even if you are single, a widow, a family, a home stay mom or dad you would feel less alone

In Greece there is an island where they live longer because of many different factors - www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2012/10/25/a-greek-islands-secrets-to-long-life-in-11-bullet-points/

In the article it says -
“10) Little stress of any kind: Relaxed work and social cultures, little emphasis on time, and a caring community all get frequent mentions. For example, "You’re not likely to ever feel the existential pain of not belonging or even the simple stress of arriving late." Or, "Even if you’re antisocial, you’ll never be entirely alone."

I also know a guy who is single who lives in a community where singles, families, elderly people live together where they have got their own apartment or house and then there is a building where they can go and eat dinner together ect.
Everyone has to contribute e.g. by making dinner twice a month, helping with the dishes ect.

I don’t know how it is where you live, but in Europe people also walk more, use public  transportation, bicycle ect. instead of driving everywhere.

I saw an American couple on YouTube who mentioned the difference after visiting Spain
(I have lived in Spain myself, and I liked it)

After the pandemic people also seem to work more from home. I have friends who moved back to the city where their parents live, in order to be closer to them.

What are your own thoughts? Why, and where ?

Not yet 4 months since break up, I still haven't had more than a handful of days where I don't burst into tears at least once. Very sick of that, especially when I realize I'm crying over someone who didn't treat me well at the end (and possibly other parts of the r'ship.) Dreamed last night that he was sleeping in the next room, and in my dream I jumped out of my bed and crawled into his. Woke up sad.

I realize it's an old wound.

It is confusing to sort out the things I did wrong in the r'ship, the things I'm supposed to fix, versus how much is just I chose the wrong dude or incompatibility.

I need a reality check on a couple of things I'm in danger of internalizing,take-a-ways from things he said or hinted at during the breakup, things that if I let them in are poisonous.

Namely, he left me because:

1) I'm too dark, too needy, too rigid, unflexible. The reality was he was asking me to put up with too much disrespect. I've felt this way in other r'ships too. I probably am too clingy, too sensitive for most people. I've also tolerated a great deal of disrespect.

2) I'm not conventionally attractive or feminine, kind of a tomboy. This he USED to say was what he found so erotic about me. But then he also used this as an excuse for him seeking r'ships with other women. He wanted me AND a barbie doll. He wanted stripper bodies once in a while, because I'm petite. Him saying these things made me feel unattractive, whether he meant it that way or not. I found myself dressing more girly around him, and I still am, kind of like it.

3) I'm too sexually available. At the end, he acted irritated that I made myself so available to him, when in earlier times he'd called me the answer to his prayers. During the breakup he told me how hard it would be to have so much less sex without me, and seemed to blame that for keeping him hooked in the r'ship. I wonder if he thought I'd been intentionally manipulating him. I wasn't, but I did believe if he still wanted sex with me, he still loved me, sex was our love language. He also made me feel like because there were certain acts I wasn't that into (I'd still do them) he needed another woman who not just did these things, but was INTO them. So I was both too much and not enough in bed. I felt this same thing once before, with another FA, that I was too much and not enough.

Ok, I think getting that out might help me sort through what's true and what isn't, let me read it like 10 times....

I know, I know, he just wanted out and was looking for excuses and nothing I did would've been right. 

Do you think he acted shameless , but now the shame has become yours ? So that you now carry the shame
This can sometimes happen.

Maybe you don’t know, that it is not yours ?