Overfunctioning

I had the same experience with counselling. I was referred to a program for abused women and felt like I was taking a spot from someone else. I have a home and a good job. I have friends and hobbies etc. As I talked about the relationship she would say "that is abuse" and I was like is it? It wasn't exactly nice but I didn't think of it as abuse. I had even read Bancroft's book!   

I sense some shame about why you keep ending up in these relationships and the thing is, we are primed for them from childhood. Abusers don't necessarily go after "weak" people. For many of them they enjoy taking a strong women and bringing her down. Once you have been in one abusive relationship you tend to end up in another.  I think verbal abuse is even more insidious then physical.  Physical abuse you can pin it down and go "he hit me" but when someone undermines you or gaslights you and you already have a history of trauma it is really hard to go "wow, that was abusive" and then you internalize it and assume something is wrong with you.

I read through AP and FA and I think this is why I originally thought "disorganized" meant both - as in sometimes this and sometimes that. So I'm still confused even though I feel more sorted out.

Things I feel confident about

-- I don't have overt AP tendencies; when I did, it was with very avoidant people (the ones I'm thinking were DA)
-- I've definitely been love-addicted as in seeing that as the thing that would solve most things. I still do to some extent.
-- I no longer have worth issues. Ever since my daughter was born -- around the age of 2 -- I determinedly worked on my self-love/worth/shame and have come a long way (though I'm sure this used to be an issue
-- I've been more avoidant in recent years - but I think it might be reflexive, to all this trauma I've been through.
-- I'm naturally super empathic, communicative, highly sensitive, emotionally intelligent and I think I've been the great regulator in my family - great in crises, the one everyone will look to.
-- Right now I'm working in therapy about how I don't have a ton of support in my life or am uncomfortable asking for help but other people ask me for support/help a lot.
-- I haven't really been in an LTR in a long time - actually 7 years now. 7 years single and the last guy was definitely co-dependent, AP, love addict and I was avoidant but what's interesting is that that type of person will often "hide" my own insecurities.
-- recovering people pleaser -- relate to the "false self" described in the FA section on the web site -- recovering from living with like zero boundaries most of my life/codependency.
-- I was once in a relationship with someone who was pretty secure, and I acted crazy - ran away from him, screamed at him at the top of my lungs, got jealous when he'd go spend time with friends. I did this with certain people - I'd just like "instantly" move in. But he was a good guy. And I ran for the hills. (That was before I met my ex with my daughter).
-- The last guy is typical of me to go for someone super nerdy/awkward as a reflexive response to I guess what comes down to abuse. Because he seems "safe" but not that interesting to me. That's the guy I talked about endlessly on the AP forum.

But I think not having been in R in 7 years, it's really hard to know what I'm like now. The last guy I dated and left w/in 3 months was probably going to have anger issues down the road. I sensed a dark side to him that wasn't pleasant; it was after that my driving anxiety took a turn for the worse and I've had intrusive thoughts. And that was at the time I was in the awful court case with my ex and the pandemic started....

So thanks for the space. Gonna look at the links shared here and recommendations. Appreciate the support.

Thanks. I appreciate it. There's a lot of "no wonder" going on right now - I'm really not surprised that I have driving anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I'm actually surprised I am doing as well as I am? Though I know I'm good at compartmentalizing. And I'm trying to come out of that. With more safety in my life, I am able to but my therapist is aware that I don't have a lot of space or capacity to do deeper processing. He doesn't say it in a shaming way just noting it matter of fact. 

But I have been giving myself room lately - like I was sick the past 2 days and actually rested for a few hours yesterday which is like unheard of. It also means though that I feel myself under the avalanche of it all.

Thanks for the support.

Why would someone end up in abusive relationships? Well, they don’t start out abusive. Not right off the bat, abusive people can be insidious and they have to be to rope you in, because they too, despite appearances want the relationship. It may mean a different thing to them than to you, but rest assured there is a reason they want it. With the capacity for empathy sometimes you can overcompensate and by “understanding” the abusive persons point of view, and why they abuse; you can unintentionally overlook that they are abusing you. And some of it is subtle, it works with your own self doubt, etc. Lack of self live and before you know it you’re married to them, etc. It can happen to anyone really, you don’t have to be primed for an abusive relationship because you had an abusive parent. I think part of what keeps us there is shame as well, fear of failure. And a fear of leaving just another relationship and feeling defeated.

I second Lundy Bancroft’s book. It’s life changing, I believe it is available as a free pdf.

ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Also, annieb what you said makes sense. I was thinking about it last night - my sister, my father, some exes -- like why would people like that end up, find themselves, or want to be in relationships? But I guess I can't even see them functioning without someone -- they would be such different people. They need others to care for them, do stuff for them, function for them is what I see. How they manage to find people to stay - really good people (including my mom) - even my ex's GF is a nice, grounded, reasonable person (when she's not being insane to me) my brother in law.

I guess where I keep getting stupidly upset is over how I am a reasonable good-hearted person and I can't find a single soul let alone someone to settle down with me, provide a bunch of care, etc etc.

seeking, I had the same questions for a long time about myself. And ultimately the answer was, it was because of who I was choosing. I wasn't choosing anyone stable who wanted the kind of enduring, serious, loving romantic relationship I thought I wanted. Those guys who were relationship rocks, that was kind of scary, maybe intimidating?, as well as boring. So I had to get my own head on straight, emotionally speaking, to start being open to healthy connections with the men who actually wanted those types of relationships. But I always let them go and really never dated them to begin with prior to straightening myself out, because it felt unfamiliar and no sparks, boring, not attractive to me, etc. But I didn't understand why because I was sooooo disconnected from myself and from knowing the qualities that actually made a healthy relationship foundation and partner... which also meant that I wasn't really the model of a healthy or available partner either. And yet I thought I was! But I was choosing unhealthy, and unhealthy was choosing me, because like attracts like. That's where my inability to "find" the partner I theoretically wanted came from at its core, borne out of my own insecurities and attachment style perspective, until I was ready to do things differently. Only then did things fall into place because I approached dating and choosing partnerships differently. It wasn't because anything was inherently wrong with me or I was undeserving, but the disconnection from self that comes with insecure attachment and emotional unavailability clouded my ability for truly healthy romantic relating.

I know we talked about him/this in another thread and I know better than to think the way I have, but honestly he's very very different. He told me he didn't want more children, and he's on his second with her and she has 2. Of course he completely neglects ours now. 

He freaking teaches music classes with her and their kids now. It's wild. It's like he's turned into Mr Rogers. It's the thing that's probably most contributed to my PTSD because it's the most mind-effery thing I've ever encountered. It's one of those "make it make sense" things that I just can't wrap my mind around.