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Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2023 14:10:37 GMT
I guess I'm going to try posting in this forum? I'm apparently "disorganized" in my attachment style, so I honestly don't know which board is more of a fit.
But I just figured out that I over function - a LOT. Sort of one of those missed patterns in everything else I'm looking at. It's huge. And yet, it does not feel like a feature of FA. So it's even more confusing.
I feel sad about it.
Pulling back from my over-functioning makes me feel things I think I'm trying to avoid like loneliness, being un-needed, people being "disappointing."
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
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Post by mrob on Feb 7, 2023 14:26:01 GMT
Disorganised is another term for fearful avoidant, so you’re in the right place!
How did you end up at this point?
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 7, 2023 14:32:10 GMT
I guess I'm going to try posting in this forum? I'm apparently "disorganized" in my attachment style, so I honestly don't know which board is more of a fit. But I just figured out that I over function - a LOT. Sort of one of those missed patterns in everything else I'm looking at. It's huge. And yet, it does not feel like a feature of FA. So it's even more confusing. I feel sad about it. Pulling back from my over-functioning makes me feel things I think I'm trying to avoid like loneliness, being un-needed, people being "disappointing." Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Hi seeking…..welcome to the FA board. I thought for decades that I had an AP attachment insecurity because I have always had a preference for avoidant leaning FA attached men and narcs. I think overfunctioning comes from having poor to no boundaries. All those feelings you describe I experienced as well. What worked best for me was to first define myself by knowing where I physically ended in space. That required becoming un numb to my body. People who are anxious leaning tend to be in their emotions, whereas people who are avoidant leaning tend to in their bodies. I had to reawaken my body through therapy. Second, and only after I had developed a good understanding of where I ended in space…could I tackle the overfunctioing and the fears that would come up. One thing that has amazed me through this process is that when I addressed the fears….I no longer craved the memory of B. I was actually able to self sooth myself. Look into SE and see if it might work for you. |
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Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2023 14:49:41 GMT
TNR - ugh. Just the first line of what you wrote gave me a big sensation of heat in my chest, a bit of a punch in my gut, chills and tears. So crazy to recognize yourself in a totally different "identity" after so many years.
I am hard at work on boundaries right now but boundaries are SO pervasive - maybe that's not the right word, but ubiquitous? They are everything. And so this new aspect that I'm seeing - how I have done other people's work for them, made things "easier" so they will ______________ (come to the table, have a hard conversation, etc). I'm so done.
But it feels more like "pursuing" which is why it confuses me about being potentially FA.
I know SE well.
And I'm sorry about B (just read your other post).
Also, just wildly excited to look through the FA lens and maybe make some progress b/c looking through potentially the "wrong" lens this whole time has made what's already confusing even more so.
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Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2023 14:50:34 GMT
Disorganised is another term for fearful avoidant, so you’re in the right place! How did you end up at this point? Which point? Also, I think I thought that disorganized meant sometimes AP sometimes FA. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 7, 2023 17:06:02 GMT
Disorganised is another term for fearful avoidant, so you’re in the right place! How did you end up at this point? Which point? Also, I think I thought that disorganized meant sometimes AP sometimes FA. Disorganized is just another term for fearful. Someone with FA will have avoidant and anxious patterns of behavior….however, it can also show up as simply 1 side depending on the relationship. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 7, 2023 17:12:16 GMT
TNR - ugh. Just the first line of what you wrote gave me a big sensation of heat in my chest, a bit of a punch in my gut, chills and tears. So crazy to recognize yourself in a totally different "identity" after so many years. I am hard at work on boundaries right now but boundaries are SO pervasive - maybe that's not the right word, but ubiquitous? They are everything. And so this new aspect that I'm seeing - how I have done other people's work for them, made things "easier" so they will ______________ (come to the table, have a hard conversation, etc). I'm so done. But it feels more like "pursuing" which is why it confuses me about being potentially FA. I know SE well. And I'm sorry about B (just read your other post). Also, just wildly excited to look through the FA lens and maybe make some progress b/c looking through potentially the "wrong" lens this whole time has made what's already confusing even more so. Bring yourself back into your body…your body is the first boundary. Feel every part of it….start from your head and work your way down…describe every sensation….not in feeling terms…but in pain, soreness, blockage, calm, hot, cold, bloated etc. The language of your body is important….once you connect to it…you can then connect feelings…..for instance, when I am embarrassed, I feel it as tightness in my throat…when I feel that tightness…i visualize swallowing a ball and having it go all the way to my stomach. I take deep breaths in and out. Just by addressing the tightness in my throat, the feeling of embarrassment releases. |
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Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2023 18:31:17 GMT
Which point? Also, I think I thought that disorganized meant sometimes AP sometimes FA. Disorganized is just another term for fearful. Someone with FA will have avoidant and anxious patterns of behavior….however, it can also show up as simply 1 side depending on the relationship. So disorganized is only FA? And not FA sometimes, AP sometimes? Isn't FA just another term for fearful and AP just another term for fearful? They're all "insecure" but then I don't get what sets the term "disorganized" apart? |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 7, 2023 18:55:06 GMT
Disorganized is just another term for fearful. Someone with FA will have avoidant and anxious patterns of behavior….however, it can also show up as simply 1 side depending on the relationship. So disorganized is only FA? And not FA sometimes, AP sometimes? Isn't FA just another term for fearful and AP just another term for fearful? They're all "insecure" but then I don't get what sets the term "disorganized" apart? Disorganized avoidant and fearful avoidant are the same. FA attachment is a person who has both anxious and avoidant behaviors. |
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Post by seeking on Feb 7, 2023 19:21:16 GMT
So disorganized is only FA? And not FA sometimes, AP sometimes? Isn't FA just another term for fearful and AP just another term for fearful? They're all "insecure" but then I don't get what sets the term "disorganized" apart? Disorganized avoidant and fearful avoidant are the same. FA attachment is a person who has both anxious and avoidant behaviors. Woah. Okay, lol. I don't know why my brain refuses to wrap itself around this. |
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Post by annieb on Feb 8, 2023 0:13:58 GMT
This is something I’m currently working through in my therapy and it’s about my self worth or feeling worthy. Separating myself from what I do. Who am I without all the external things I attach my self worth to, my work, friends, environment. Am I worthy of good things happening, love entering my life, if I just be. If I just am. And it’s been a challenge to get to know that person. I do well for a stretch of time with that and then something happens and I start looking at my worth in reference to the externals again. Relationships and relationships trigger me to no end.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 8, 2023 1:42:47 GMT
Fearful avoidant or disorganized just means you don't have behaviors that fall cleanly into one type of attachment. This instagram has some pretty good explanations of the different attachment types. http://instagram.com/p/Cn7DBOzJm3M |
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Post by seeking on Feb 8, 2023 2:40:22 GMT
Fearful avoidant or disorganized just means you don't have behaviors that fall cleanly into one type of attachment. This instagram has some pretty good explanations of the different attachment types. http://instagr.am/p/Cn7DBOzJm3M So the ones that fall clearly are like DA and AP? |
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Post by seeking on Feb 8, 2023 2:48:52 GMT
This is something I’m currently working through in my therapy and it’s about my self worth or feeling worthy. Separating myself from what I do. Who am I without all the external things I attach my self worth to, my work, friends, environment. Am I worthy of good things happening, love entering my life, if I just be. If I just am. And it’s been a challenge to get to know that person. I do well for a stretch of time with that and then something happens and I start looking at my worth in reference to the externals again. Relationships and relationships trigger me to no end. I love the idea that worthiness is really about being more of who we are. But yeah, who are we without external things. You wrote in your last sentence here "Relationships and relationships" -- was that a typo? |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 8, 2023 11:05:00 GMT
This is something I’m currently working through in my therapy and it’s about my self worth or feeling worthy. Separating myself from what I do. Who am I without all the external things I attach my self worth to, my work, friends, environment. Am I worthy of good things happening, love entering my life, if I just be. If I just am. And it’s been a challenge to get to know that person. I do well for a stretch of time with that and then something happens and I start looking at my worth in reference to the externals again. Relationships and relationships trigger me to no end. I love the idea that worthiness is really about being more of who we are. But yeah, who are we without external things. You wrote in your last sentence here "Relationships and relationships" -- was that a typo? We have intrinsic value just as ourselves. I am not defined by my job, my relationships, my things….however…I do think, having a disorganized attachment and both fearing abandonment and fearing people….there becomes a people pleaser role. I used to believe I could only have and keep friends if I paid for meals etc. I believe this is a learned behavior from when I was a child and felt so different from other kids…I usually only had 1 good friend and struggled socially to fit in. I had friends tell me all the time over my adult life that I did not need to buy them anything…but I felt I would lose them otherwise. Put another way…I did not believe in my intrinsic worth and felt I needed to rely on gifts, meals etc. I still give gifts…but it is a choice now…I don’t fear losing friends anymore. |
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