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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 18:24:48 GMT
Hello everyone,
I am a 34M and she is a 33F for background.
I had an FA "ex" deactivate on me after 2.5 months of dating. I had just met her parents on her birthday (her idea), and the next day she cut all ties, went cold, and wouldn't even give me a phone call. Contact continued for a few more weeks as she mailed me back a wristband I had given her and I confirmed receipt, etc. I wrote her a letter a few months later, just to wish her all the best, etc. And that was that. This all happened at the end of February, so it's been about 5 months since.
She reached out to me earlier this week, to my surprise. I had read about how other people have had their ex reach back out but didn't think I'd be "so lucky". I had educated myself heavily through this forum (thank you) on attachment theory and my own anxious attachment, so I knew that her reaching out wasn't going to bring me any sort of long-term joy. I had just put my dog down and was in a turbulent state and thus responded to her. I kept my composure, however. The conversation was very light, with her suggesting talking on the phone or meeting up. I however told her I was ambivilent to the idea because of how things ended. She asked what I meant by that.
I told her that I believe she needs to take a lot of time to heal and understand herself, and that it was inappropriate with how she ended things with me. I told her I didn't see a healthy relationship between she and I as being possible without extensive compromise, self-work, and communication. I even suggested couples therapy as being necessary even though we had only dated for 2.5 months. I basically laid it all out and was honest with her. I told her that I myself was in therapy and working on myself.
Her response was incredibly jarring. She started it with "F@&$ you" and said I didn't know anything about her or her past relationships. She then attacked every positive moment we had together, as if re-writing the history of our experience together. Every moment of intimacy she claimed was "weird and gross". She said that the way I would touch her face after intimacy was as if I was treating her like "some doll" because she was so sick and sickly at the time (she had some medical thing going on which is still a mystery). She said I would "talk, and talk, and talk" and "never listen" and "interrupt her", which wasn't true. She said I reminded her "so much" of her toxic, narcissistic ex, and that I myself was a "classic narcissist" with "too many red flags to ignore". She said I never treated her with kindness or respect. She said after every meet-up with me that she would say, out loud to herself, that "that would be last time", even though she'd always text me lovingly that she got home and had such a great time with me and continued seeing me. The last night we hung out together before her birthday she opened up about her past, called me "honey" and we exchanged "I love yous".
She said she hated that how every date had some sort of surprise to it and that she told me she didn't like surprises and that I was "so aloof" and "never listened" even though she told me she loved our dates and that I was "the best date planner". She even had a pet name for me that merged my last name as a pun with being a great date planner... So, I'm just so confused by all of this. She said that I had some sort of "fantasy reality" in my head because we "only hung out like 7 times" (for context, we hung out 12 times over the course of 2.5 months with meeting family - her prompting those milestones, mind you) as if to downplay our connection.
She ended her text with "You meant and mean nothing to me. Ewwww I can't believe I wasted even such a short moment on you. Blocked and forgotten."
I text after saying that I was confused by her recollection because our text logs, her saying she loved me, invited me to her birthday, etc., suggested to the contrary. I wished her all the best on finding a healthy path and with finding all good things in the future.
Fortunately, I've been in therapy since March so I'm aware of her deactivating and projection strategies, but I'll admit that the experience is so bizarre and has me questioning things. I'm self-regulating now and feel as though I have enough knowledge and security to know she is just lashing out, but again it's hurtful to read such things. It's like my mind is wondering which was the lie - her recollection of things now, or was she just lying to me the whole time we were together?
Has anyone else had this experience? Is this typical? I am meeting again with my therapist on Tuesday to discuss this experience. Thank you.
Edit - My full text to her for context:
" ... So, I'd like to be honest with you, <name>. I'm glad you received my letter and I hope you found it to be edifying and inspiriting. I enjoyed our time together and the connection we had, but the way you had ended our interaction was jarring and hurtful. I don't blame you for it anymore, and I don't hold any ill-will towards you, but it wasn't right. I apologize also for any missteps from my end. I don't doubt that there is some form of connection and bond we share, but in order for us to seek it out, we'd both need to acknowledge what happened from our individual ends and it could take a lot of work. I have been doing as such myself at <my Christian therapy organization> and it takes time.
That's what I mean by ambivalence. It's not that I don't want to see you or talk to you. It's that these things would need to be addressed - and not just from our time together, but from past relationships as well. I understand we hadn't dated terribly long, but it could also be the case that we'd need additional help in the form of couples-therapy to see us out of port. Five months hasn't been terribly long for changes to have taken place and I'm not sure if continuing to communicate is right for either of us."
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Post by mrob on Jul 9, 2023 21:32:04 GMT
Goodness. You poked that unaware bear and got it back in spades!
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2023 21:50:09 GMT
I am not sure what you expected in response to this…
I told her that I believe she needs to take a lot of time to heal and understand herself, and that it was inappropriate with how she ended things with me. I told her I didn't see a healthy relationship between she and I as being possible without extensive compromise, self-work, and communication. I even suggested couples therapy as being necessary even though we had only dated for 2.5 months. I basically laid it all out and was honest with her.
Did you even reread your words before you sent this? How would it have made you feel if you had received this from her? I think you need to discuss appropriate boundaries with your therapist. The fact that you do not see anything wrong with the fact that 1. You told her what you thought she needed via a text, where there is no opportunity to see facial expressions or provide any voice guidance 2. You made it out like she was the problem in the relationship. 3. Suggesting that couples therapy would be required without even understanding her intent of a get together…likely she was just trying to keep the friend aspect.
What I see is you are continuing to make assumptions and then acting upon them without any clarification…then you wonder why you are receiving the response you got. At this point…I would just drop the whole thing about talking about this woman…because she has made it very clear that she no longer wants anything to do with you. The focus now should be how do you address the insecurities that keep popping up .
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 21:59:10 GMT
I am not sure what you expected in response to this… I told her that I believe she needs to take a lot of time to heal and understand herself, and that it was inappropriate with how she ended things with me. I told her I didn't see a healthy relationship between she and I as being possible without extensive compromise, self-work, and communication. I even suggested couples therapy as being necessary even though we had only dated for 2.5 months. I basically laid it all out and was honest with her. Did you even reread your words before you sent this? How would it have made you feel if you had received this from her? I think you need to discuss appropriate boundaries with your therapist. The fact that you do not see anything wrong with the fact that 1. You told her what you thought she needed via a text, where there is no opportunity to see facial expressions or provide any voice guidance 2. You made it out like she was the problem in the relationship. 3. Suggesting that couples therapy would be required without even understanding her intent of a get together…likely she was just trying to keep the friend aspect. What I see is you are continuing to make assumptions and then acting upon them without any clarification…then you wonder why you are receiving the response you got. At this point…I would just drop the whole thing about talking about this woman…because she has made it very clear that she no longer wants anything to do with you. The focus now should be how do you address the insecurities that keep popping up . She reached out to me. I'm open to critique- what assumptions did I make? I'm not open to friendship with her and she knows that. And she does need to heal. I am actively in therapy doing as such as well which is why I included that in my response to her. From my perspective I did set a firm boundary with her. I was up front and told her that the way she ended things was not appropriate. She held no accountability for her behavior whereas I did. The path forward of course has nothing to do with her. That was the path I was on before, again, she reached out to me. I appreciate your response, I do. It feels incredibly empathetic towards her position though and I'm curious as to what I'm missing. Edit - In my text to her I did acknowledge my faults/transgressions, as I did in my letter to her. I'd send the whole thing but it's all too long. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 9, 2023 22:08:39 GMT
If I reached out to test friendship waters after a long healing period and was told a laundry list of things wrong with me in response plus suggesting therapy suggestions more appropriate for a long term couple struggling to stay together... I would be put off and defensive, too. It would be clear we're not on the same page at all. I wouldn't lash out back because I'd not want to waste my time that we were on such different planes. I'd probably have just said back, I'm glad you're seeking therapy and hope you find what you're looking for, but we shouldn't meet up after all, good luck. She may have issues, she probably was being a combination of honest about some of her thoughts as she was not communicating well when you were dating combined with projecting in anger in the moment and rewriting things once she felt attacked (FA are very reactionary). But you're not the person to give her a full analysis like this. She hurt you, saying you were ambivalent about meeting up because she hurt you and you felt disrespected at the end would have been enough to get your point across without eliciting this reaction. She was undoubtedly shocked by your words too, so I agree with tnr9 's suggestions and to think about how you'd have felt if someone sent those messages to you. I hope you at least walk away from this really understanding how different and incompatible you and your ex are, with very different needs, since it's helpful to know as you continue searching for the best partner for you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2023 22:09:11 GMT
I am not sure what you expected in response to this… I told her that I believe she needs to take a lot of time to heal and understand herself, and that it was inappropriate with how she ended things with me. I told her I didn't see a healthy relationship between she and I as being possible without extensive compromise, self-work, and communication. I even suggested couples therapy as being necessary even though we had only dated for 2.5 months. I basically laid it all out and was honest with her. Did you even reread your words before you sent this? How would it have made you feel if you had received this from her? I think you need to discuss appropriate boundaries with your therapist. The fact that you do not see anything wrong with the fact that 1. You told her what you thought she needed via a text, where there is no opportunity to see facial expressions or provide any voice guidance 2. You made it out like she was the problem in the relationship. 3. Suggesting that couples therapy would be required without even understanding her intent of a get together…likely she was just trying to keep the friend aspect. What I see is you are continuing to make assumptions and then acting upon them without any clarification…then you wonder why you are receiving the response you got. At this point…I would just drop the whole thing about talking about this woman…because she has made it very clear that she no longer wants anything to do with you. The focus now should be how do you address the insecurities that keep popping up . She reached out to me. I'm open to critique- what assumptions did I make? I'm not open to friendship with her and she knows that. And she does need to heal. I am actively in therapy doing as such as well. From my perspective I did set a firm boundary with her. I was up front and told her that the way she ended things was not appropriate. She held no accountability for her behavior whereas I did. The path forward of course has nothing to do with her. That was the path I was on before, again, she reached out to me. I appreciate your response, I do. It feels incredibly empathetic towards her position though and I'm curious as to what I'm missing. Did you find out if she was open to critique? I bet not….that right there is an assumption. The boundary I am talking about is a boundary within yourself…a boundary that considers whether or not it is appropriate to say what you assumed and said above. It isn’t sympathy towards her…it is more of a “what in the world did you expect back?” Once you stated the above she could either…1. Accept your assessment of her (no way was that going to happen given your history with her) or 2. Turn the “honesty” back on you with a very long rant. Which is exactly what she did. |
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 22:30:13 GMT
If I reached out to test friendship waters after a long healing period and was told a laundry list of things wrong with me in response plus suggesting therapy suggestions more appropriate for a long term couple struggling to stay together... I would be put off and defensive, too. It would be clear we're not on the same page at all. I wouldn't lash out back because I'd not want to waste my time that we were on such different planes. I'd probably have just said back, I'm glad you're seeking therapy and hope you find what you're looking for, but we shouldn't meet up after all, good luck. She may have issues, she probably was being a combination of honest about some of her thoughts as she was not communicating well when you were dating combined with projecting in anger in the moment and rewriting things once she felt attacked (FA are very reactionary). But you're not the person to give her a full analysis like this. She hurt you, saying you were ambivalent about meeting up because she hurt you and you felt disrespected at the end would have been enough to get your point across without eliciting this reaction. She was undoubtedly shocked by your words too, so I agree with tnr9 's suggestions and to think about how you'd have felt if someone sent those messages to you. I hope you at least walk away from this really understanding how different and incompatible you and your ex are, with very different needs, since it's helpful to know as you continue searching for the best partner for you. Thank you for the response. Your comment about it being a combination of lack of communication and projection does help and I appreciate that insight. My thought is that it's not my obligation or responsibility to tip-toe around honesty in order to avoid a certain reaction from someone who hurt me. My exact text to her, to avoid any confusion with my summary is below. I cut out a bit at the front because it's simply in reference to my dog that passed away. " ... So, I'd like to be honest with you, <name>. I'm glad you received my letter and I hope you found it to be edifying and inspiriting. I enjoyed our time together and the connection we had, but the way you had ended our interaction was jarring and hurtful. I don't blame you for it anymore, and I don't hold any ill-will towards you, but it wasn't right. I apologize also for any missteps from my end. I don't doubt that there is some form of connection and bond we share, but in order for us to seek it out, we'd both need to acknowledge what happened from our individual ends and it could take a lot of work. I have been doing as such myself at <my Christian therapy organization> and it takes time. That's what I mean by ambivalence. It's not that I don't want to see you or talk to you. It's that these things would need to be addressed - and not just from our time together, but from past relationships as well. I understand we hadn't dated terribly long, but it could also be the case that we'd need additional help in the form of couples-therapy to see us out of port. Five months hasn't been terribly long for changes to have taken place and I'm not sure if continuing to communicate is right for either of us." Edit - Highlighting the fact that I didn't insinuate that it was her specifically that needed work. The only direct implication of that was that I didn't appreciate how she ended tihngs. |
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 22:35:53 GMT
She reached out to me. I'm open to critique- what assumptions did I make? I'm not open to friendship with her and she knows that. And she does need to heal. I am actively in therapy doing as such as well. From my perspective I did set a firm boundary with her. I was up front and told her that the way she ended things was not appropriate. She held no accountability for her behavior whereas I did. The path forward of course has nothing to do with her. That was the path I was on before, again, she reached out to me. I appreciate your response, I do. It feels incredibly empathetic towards her position though and I'm curious as to what I'm missing. Did you find out if she was open to critique? I bet not….that right there is an assumption. The boundary I am talking about is a boundary within yourself…a boundary that considers whether or not it is appropriate to say what you assumed and said above. It isn’t sympathy towards her…it is more of a “what in the world did you expect back?” Once you stated the above she could either…1. Accept your assessment of her (no way was that going to happen given your history with her) or 2. Turn the “honesty” back on you with a very long rant. Which is exactly what she did. Thanks for clarifying. My thought is, if she's not open to critique, it's not my job to ask her or hold her hand through navigating that. If we were in relationship? Absolutely. But if someone is going to reach out to me after hurting me, at the very least they should be ready to apologize and confront their poor behaviors. She showed me that she most certainly hasn't changed at all. But that's the question, right? Honesty. I was honest with her. Always in the relationship and with my text to her. Was she being honest with me with her rant? Or being vindictive and spiteful? That is what alexandra referenced in her response. The rewriting of history to protect her own accountability. Not a single time with her have I ever been passive aggressive or dishonest. You can read my actual text message to her in my above response to alexandra if that adds any additional clarity. As to what I was expecting back from that? Not an attack against our whole relationship. Perhaps nothing, perhaps her detaching again nonchalantly. Or maybe, a small chance of her owning up with accountability and an apology. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2023 22:49:06 GMT
Did you find out if she was open to critique? I bet not….that right there is an assumption. The boundary I am talking about is a boundary within yourself…a boundary that considers whether or not it is appropriate to say what you assumed and said above. It isn’t sympathy towards her…it is more of a “what in the world did you expect back?” Once you stated the above she could either…1. Accept your assessment of her (no way was that going to happen given your history with her) or 2. Turn the “honesty” back on you with a very long rant. Which is exactly what she did. Thanks for clarifying. My thought is, if she's not open to critique, it's not my job to ask her or hold her hand through navigating that. If we were in relationship? Absolutely. But if someone is going to reach out to me after hurting me, at the very least they should be ready to apologize and confront their poor behaviors. She showed me that she most certainly hasn't changed at all. But that's the question, right? Honesty. I was honest with her. Always in the relationship and with my text to her. Was she being honest with me with her rant? Or being vindictive and spiteful? That is what alexandra referenced in her response. The rewriting of history to protect her own accountability. Not a single time with her have I ever been passive aggressive or dishonest. You can read my actual text message to her in my above response to alexandra if that adds any additional clarity. As to what I was expecting back from that? Not an attack against our whole relationship. Perhaps nothing, perhaps her detaching again nonchalantly. Or maybe, a small chance of her owning up with accountability and an apology. Yeh…but….you knew she was insecurely attached…you knew she wasn’t in therapy…so 1. Why would you write anything that would make it out that she owes you an apology and 2. Why do you get to share your “honesty” and not her? She could say the exact same thing back…that she in not obligated to consider your feelings when stating her truth. And her history based on what you said….was hurtful to you…so what incentive did she have to treat you different. In communication, the person who receives the message has the last say on whether your intent was in fact received or not…and in this case it wasn’t. Relationships are a two way street and apologizing for hurting her while telling her she was wrong in how she broke up with you….the part that is going to stick is the part that puts her in a defensive position. And unfortunately, if you keep to the premise that “my truth” must be stated…then you are going to wind up being disappointed in relationships….relationships are a combination of me, you and us thinking…..that requires compromise and an understanding of when it best to just say something kind in a text with a follow up in person. |
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 22:58:57 GMT
Thanks for clarifying. My thought is, if she's not open to critique, it's not my job to ask her or hold her hand through navigating that. If we were in relationship? Absolutely. But if someone is going to reach out to me after hurting me, at the very least they should be ready to apologize and confront their poor behaviors. She showed me that she most certainly hasn't changed at all. But that's the question, right? Honesty. I was honest with her. Always in the relationship and with my text to her. Was she being honest with me with her rant? Or being vindictive and spiteful? That is what alexandra referenced in her response. The rewriting of history to protect her own accountability. Not a single time with her have I ever been passive aggressive or dishonest. You can read my actual text message to her in my above response to alexandra if that adds any additional clarity. As to what I was expecting back from that? Not an attack against our whole relationship. Perhaps nothing, perhaps her detaching again nonchalantly. Or maybe, a small chance of her owning up with accountability and an apology. Yeh…but….you knew she was insecurely attached…you knew she wasn’t in therapy…so 1. Why would you write anything that would make it out that she owes you an apology and 2. Why do you get to share your “honesty” and not her? She could say the exact same thing back…that she in not obligated to consider your feelings when stating her truth. And her history based on what you said….was hurtful to you…so what incentive did she have to treat you different. In communication, the person who receives the message has the last say on whether your intent was in fact received or not…and in this case it wasn’t. But relationships are a two way street and apologizing for hurting her while telling her she was wrong in how she broke up with you….the part that is going to stick is the part that puts her in a defensive position. And unfortunately, if you keep to the premise that “my truth” must be stated…then you are going to wind up being disappointed in relationships….relationships are a combination of me, you and us thinking…..that requires compromise and an understanding of when it best to just say something kind in a text with a follow up in person. 1) Because that's the truth. 2) Not being cheeky with the double-response, but because it's the truth. And not a "my truth", either. It's the one and only truth. Her incentive would hopefully be seeing the error in her ways and seeking to potentially seek out a healthy relationship with someone she screwed up with. But, as you said, she isn't in therapy and she's disorganized-ly attached. I don't believe in there being two truths. There is simply one truth. The truth is that she and I are not compatible. It is also a truth that she, given her unawareness with her attachment style, self-sabotaged the relationship. That's the truth, not my truth. If "her truth" is a distorted reality whereas I am some narcissist that didn't care about her, then there is no compromise in that and no victory. I'd have to bend any form of security to walk that tight rope. I owned up to my mistakes and own attachment issues. It was in my letter to her, which basically apologized for pressing her for additional questions/information after she ended things. But, as my therapist told me, I shouldn't even have done that! I shouldn't even had engaged. I took more blame than I should have for her shortcomings due to my own attachment issues. And I did so in this scenario too - I shouldn't have responded at all. But I did so out of what I thought was kindness. I suppose the lesson here is - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I shouldn't have engaged at all. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 9, 2023 23:06:27 GMT
Was she being honest with me with her rant? Or being vindictive and spiteful? That is what alexandra referenced in her response. The rewriting of history to protect her own accountability. This isn't exactly what I meant. Because FA are reactive and have a weak sense of identity, their perception and feelings can shift in the moment in response to something. So especially when triggered, she can perceive her reality to be what she said to you and she was being honest in the moment, even if it was rewriting what happened. She's angry and seeing you differently so that's her experience and how she's interpreting it. It's not to avoid accountability, it's not to be vindictive, it just is. And it may change later once she's not angry anymore (in this case it won't because you've inadvertently burned that bridge, but in a different situation there could be inconsistency in how she describes something at different times... and this will have little to do with you). It's not an issue of tiptoeing around her to protect her feelings, it is a boundary issue like tnr9 said. Communication is best coming from an "I" perspective rather than a "you" perspective. You can say, I felt X and I need Y (instead of saying you made me feel X and you need to change by doing Y). But there's still an established relationship and history and different levels of intimacy and problem-solving appropriate to that. Suggesting couples therapy to save a friendship after 2.5 months of dating (which is not enough time to even really know each other, which is why honeymoon periods are considered to be around 3-6 months) and not speaking to each other for twice as long as that isn't a proportionate suggestion against the time you'd initially invested in each other. You're right in regards to what you've learned about relationships and getting to this point and what two committed partners would need and need to do big picture to save something like this. But again, it's appropriate for a long established couple with their lives at least somewhat entwined. It's too much for a short relationship that didn't get off the ground due to how quickly incompatibility surfaced, even if it was very meaningful. |
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 23:17:21 GMT
Was she being honest with me with her rant? Or being vindictive and spiteful? That is what alexandra referenced in her response. The rewriting of history to protect her own accountability. This isn't exactly what I meant. Because FA are reactive and have a weak sense of identity, their perception and feelings can shift in the moment in response to something. So especially when triggered, she can perceive her reality to be what she said to you and she was being honest in the moment, even if it was rewriting what happened. She's angry and seeing you differently so that's her experience and how she's interpreting it. It's not to avoid accountability, it's not to be vindictive, it just is. And it may change later once she's not angry anymore (in this case it won't because you've inadvertently burned that bridge, but in a different situation there could be inconsistency in how she describes something at different times... and this will have little to do with you). It's not an issue of tiptoeing around her to protect her feelings, it is a boundary issue like tnr9 said. Communication is best coming from an "I" perspective rather than a "you" perspective. You can say, I felt X and I need Y (instead of saying you made me feel X and you need to change by doing Y). But there's still an established relationship and history and different levels of intimacy and problem-solving appropriate to that. Suggesting couples therapy to save a friendship after 2.5 months of dating (which is not enough time to even really know each other, which is why honeymoon periods are considered to be around 3-6 months) and not speaking to each other for twice as long as that isn't a proportionate suggestion against the time you'd initially invested in each other. You're right in regards to what you've learned about relationships and getting to this point and what two committed partners would need and need to do big picture to save something like this. But again, it's appropriate for a long established couple with their lives at least somewhat entwined. It's too much for a short relationship that didn't get off the ground due to how quickly incompatibility surfaced, even if it was very meaningful. Thank you. Perhaps I should have started my text to her with an "I" statement as well. I do find that intriguing and I appreciate you highlighting that fact as I had read it before. That's what makes an unaware FA so dangerous to me (and I'm sure other AAs). I know she's not being intentional. I know that she isn't intentionally lying to me and that she 100% believes that her words to be fact. But I also know that she's so incredibly misguided. That's where the trap kicks in of wanting to make her aware of her attachment issues. Because if she would just see them for what they truly are, we could avoid this whole mess and just work on things together. But it just doesn't work that way. I almost prefer narcissists to FAs because I at least know that they are aware in a lot of cases of the emotional pain they cause to people. I agree that our time together wasn't that long at all. The trauma bond, etc., was so tough to navigate through, however. Therapy helped with that immensely to detach. That's the fault in my response to her. Knowing that what would be needed isn't even applicable. Much better to just walk away. I found this article to be enlightening from Psychology Today. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/manners-of-relating/202305/the-psychodynamics-of-fearful-avoidant-attachment"As the fearful-avoidant’s anxiety emerges, the fear of the partner’s abandonment becomes a projection of their own unconsciously denied fear of a newly emerging negative view of the other—hence reconciling with Bartholomew’s original conception of the fearful-avoidant (i.e., negative evaluation of the self and others). Now the partner has come to be viewed in a new light, where their faults are magnified, their dissimilarities are highlighted and the past is set to be altered, rewritten, and reframed through the lens of the present debacle. The rose-tinted past is seen as an illusion, with the fearful-avoidant believing themselves guilty of misevaluating their partner in the past." So, that's what she did. She exaggerated all of my faults and rewrote our history in a negative light to convince herself of why I'm a bad person, why I never cared about her, and why she did the right thing to end our dynamic. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2023 23:18:24 GMT
Yeh…but….you knew she was insecurely attached…you knew she wasn’t in therapy…so 1. Why would you write anything that would make it out that she owes you an apology and 2. Why do you get to share your “honesty” and not her? She could say the exact same thing back…that she in not obligated to consider your feelings when stating her truth. And her history based on what you said….was hurtful to you…so what incentive did she have to treat you different. In communication, the person who receives the message has the last say on whether your intent was in fact received or not…and in this case it wasn’t. But relationships are a two way street and apologizing for hurting her while telling her she was wrong in how she broke up with you….the part that is going to stick is the part that puts her in a defensive position. And unfortunately, if you keep to the premise that “my truth” must be stated…then you are going to wind up being disappointed in relationships….relationships are a combination of me, you and us thinking…..that requires compromise and an understanding of when it best to just say something kind in a text with a follow up in person. 1) Because that's the truth. 2) Not being cheeky with the double-response, but because it's the truth. And not a "my truth", either. It's the one and only truth. Her incentive would hopefully be seeing the error in her ways and seeking to potentially seek out a healthy relationship with someone she screwed up with. But, as you said, she isn't in therapy and she's disorganized-ly attached. I don't believe in there being two truths. There is simply one truth. The truth is that she and I are not compatible. It is also a truth that she, given her unawareness with her attachment style, self-sabotaged the relationship. That's the truth, not my truth. If "her truth" is a distorted reality whereas I am some narcissist that didn't care about her, then there is no compromise in that and no victory. I'd have to bend any form of security to walk that tight rope. I owned up to my mistakes and own attachment issues. It was in my letter to her, which basically apologized for pressing her for additional questions/information after she ended things. But, as my therapist told me, I shouldn't even have done that! I shouldn't even had engaged. I took more blame than I should have for her shortcomings due to my own attachment issues. And I did so in this scenario too - I shouldn't have responded at all. But I did so out of what I thought was kindness. I suppose the lesson here is - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I shouldn't have engaged at all. I think your therapist is right…you should not have responded. I think it will be worth bringing this thread to your therapist and seeing if your therapist has any suggestions on a course forward. |
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Post by aeropro on Jul 9, 2023 23:23:21 GMT
1) Because that's the truth. 2) Not being cheeky with the double-response, but because it's the truth. And not a "my truth", either. It's the one and only truth. Her incentive would hopefully be seeing the error in her ways and seeking to potentially seek out a healthy relationship with someone she screwed up with. But, as you said, she isn't in therapy and she's disorganized-ly attached. I don't believe in there being two truths. There is simply one truth. The truth is that she and I are not compatible. It is also a truth that she, given her unawareness with her attachment style, self-sabotaged the relationship. That's the truth, not my truth. If "her truth" is a distorted reality whereas I am some narcissist that didn't care about her, then there is no compromise in that and no victory. I'd have to bend any form of security to walk that tight rope. I owned up to my mistakes and own attachment issues. It was in my letter to her, which basically apologized for pressing her for additional questions/information after she ended things. But, as my therapist told me, I shouldn't even have done that! I shouldn't even had engaged. I took more blame than I should have for her shortcomings due to my own attachment issues. And I did so in this scenario too - I shouldn't have responded at all. But I did so out of what I thought was kindness. I suppose the lesson here is - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I shouldn't have engaged at all. I think your therapist is right…you should not have responded. I think it will be worth bring this thread to your therapist and seeing if your therapist has any suggestions on a course forward. He won't be happy that I engaged, I know that, lol. Only a few weeks ago I had told him that any feelings of longing or wanting her to reach out had faded and if she did I wouldn't likely respond. But, my puppo passing put me in a bad spot. It's not an excuse at all, that's honestly the main thing I want to bring up to him... is how to be stronger and maintain my own boundaries even during moments of duress. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 9, 2023 23:29:31 GMT
I think your therapist is right…you should not have responded. I think it will be worth bring this thread to your therapist and seeing if your therapist has any suggestions on a course forward. He won't be happy that I engaged, I know that, lol. Only a few weeks ago I had told him that any feelings of longing or wanting her to reach out had faded and if she did I wouldn't likely respond. But, my puppo passing put me in a bad spot. It's not an excuse at all, that's honestly the main thing I want to bring up to him... is how to be stronger and maintain my own boundaries even during moments of duress. Yeh…it sounds like some insecurities were activated when your dog died…that makes sense. Grieving a pet can really move your nervous system out of whack and it is easy to forget that there are better people to reach out to besides an ex. E specially one who has an attachment issue of her own. It might actually be a good thing to write down some coping skills and safe people you can grieve with (friends, your therapist) because life has a way of throwing us some curve balls. I still have moments when I can go back to old patterns….learning new skills takes time. |
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