Don't date if you don't love yourself enough?

Not sure what to think about the video (don't like his style), but I can see how this relates to what you wrote earlier. Projecting outwards in order to connect instead of being stuck inside your own head.
Looking at people into the eyes is no bad advice at all, especially when it comes to addressing larger group!

I'm also convinced that I was past that point when she told me this, I agree. Your guess is correct, and fits with the reasons she gave me afterwards (I wrote about it in my first post in this thread).
There was nothing I could have done at my current stage, at least with this one. Back to insecurity/anxious attachment.

Haha, ok, I have to read up on that guy!

Have you read Eckhart Tolle "The Power of Now" or any other books about Mindfulness? It might help you get out of the endless mind loop and just enjoy the moments as they come, i.e. focus on your date, on the surroundings, on heightened delicious sensations, etc.

Meeeeeeeeee. My friends call me loopy. I loop and loop, and I overthink everything. I don’t feel like I’m overthinking but I did read that anxious people, instead of feeling their emotions, distract themselves from it by being overly cognitive. It’s too stressful to deal with the emotions when our needs are not met, so we switch to being cognitive to think our way out and being extremely sensitive to cues around us. Hence the focus on others, instead of on ourselves.

Oh snap!

I used to live in my head a lot, I still do, because of some really traumatic experiences. I still experience a lot of fear as I seem to attract a lot of narcissists, i.e. they actually approach me often, men and women. It got to the point where I'm questioning if there's something profoundly wrong with me, perhaps I'm projecting my own traits onto others, etc.?

It's seriously mind-looping. My only comfort is that my loved ones from childhood, adolescence to adulthood, who have been close to me for years and years, are all wonderful and loving towards me, and I to them. They will affirm my sanity when I ask them!

So it is bizarre but true, that a lot of "free" people who are looking for friends and partners out there are looking for someone to fill their void, to admire, agree with and give them all they can give, to be their fall guy, to offer up whatever they need, in a strictly one-way relationship. Like a form of slavery.They all start by love-bombing and putting you on a pedestal, and when you genuinely start caring for them, you begin to disappoint them because you are yourself human and have your own needs and boundaries. Then they start to devaluate and discard you...but when they need "supply" or "fuel" again they come hoovering as you're their old "supply". It is genuinely scary, draining and exhausting for me - I had an ex spouse, met a few dates and 3 recent female "friends" who are what I suspect to be pwNPD.

This leads me to alot of extended periods trying to figure things out in my head, trying to make sense of senseless dramas, projection, gaslighting, etc. all the "crazy-making". Unfortunately, even a short-lived friendship does incur its toll on me, someone who is already aware of such dynamics.

I knew about Buddhism and the simple philosophy of only able to control the present moment, as changing the past is impossible and the future holds only a potential. Reading Eckhart Tolle makes it so much clearer, and I gradually start to live more in the moment instead of in my head to solve my issues.

Living wonderful moments, a minute at a time, start to snowball into positive happy memories. I'm even trying to retain the good memories of the love-bombing of the recent NPD female friends and 1 male date who has been friendzoned and kept a a safe distance.

In the end, it is when you are full - brimming with enjoyment of delicious moments, simple pleasures like a walk in a pretty part of the city or the park, time spent browsing beautiful designs on the net, fun with your loved ones at a restaurant, listening to favorite music,  indulging at a perfurme bar,or looking up books at the library - that you start to truly live and are able to give completely of yourself to your attractive dates, to be present for them, with your full attention and without your anxiety.

Do read the book and try to follow the ways to stay mindful, and to slowly distance yourself from the habit of mind-looping.

Good question, I'm trying to figure out myself.

I used to think I was Secure, but I start to note that I always got myself involved romantically with Avoidants.

Imagine men who cannot spend time with their partners, not even once a week. Not even on their birthdays or anniversaries. Men who cannot even talk about feelings or emotions. Conversations that are for the most part meaningless, eg did you know that they have discovered a new species of whale, etc...

Not even the type of conversation you and I are having now.

As perception is relative, so I thought I might be Secure, since I found that unsatisfactory. However, upon further reflection, if I were truly Secure, I would never have put up with all of that for as long as I did.

I believe I am a mix of attachment styles, and probably anxious and avoidant, as I need a lot of space, perhaps more than Secures, yet I need that space while in full knowledge that my partner loves and cares for me, that we are kind, positive, contented companions and have each other's back.

My problem is I don't know what that looks like!

I've always had no problems attracting the opposite sex, they gravitate to me, but I wasn't attracted to most of them. I was buried in my studies or work. There must have been some Secures among them.

I now notice that I stayed with men who are incapable of "love", who are mostly self-centred and who are relentless takers. This mirrors the type of childhood I had with my stepmother.

I have reached a point where I'm fine if I end up alone, I've learned to be whole within myself, and not needing others to complete my life, as I do have creative interests and passions, my kids and close friends.

Tht sounds very Avoidant doesn't it?

You nailed it, ocarina. First, we must know how to fill any voids within ourselves, instead of relentlessly seeking others or outside support, materialism, etc. to fill our voids.

This is where Mindfulness is such a great help, as it is about what we can actually do ourselves to make our lives better, one moment at a time.

When we are no longer in the "gimme, gimme" mode, we can be secure and present for the other.

However, if we become too self-sufficient, we risk becoming avoidant.

So it is all about balance, and hoping that we finally meet the right partner who can fit well with us, and have each other's back. I'm so fearful that I've developed pessimism - and the more I attract avoidants and narcissists, the more pessimistic I become. My efforts are now focused on getting back to equilibrium, to fight this pessimism.

I suspect that behind Avoidants lurks a Pessimist.