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Post by kristyrose on Feb 11, 2018 19:41:54 GMT
Hey everyone,
I'm starting to realize a few things about my relationship with my ex FA.
Most of you know my story, he broke up with me in April last year, then we started hanging out again on a routine basis for the past 9 months. I took it as dating since we were exclusive and did go on dates, spent weekends at each others places, but he saw it as being friends.
During the course of this post break-up time, he would remind me were were not really together, but then still hang out with me in the same manner occasionally taking a weekend here and there to himself. I would pull away whenever he mentioned that we should not have any expectations, he would then pursue a little and I took that all as he is just in denial, he is out of touch with his feelings, he really wants to be with me- obviously! I chose to ignore his words and just viewed his actions as the definitive sign.
I'm realizing now how much denial I was in. I knew the whole time deep down he did not want to get back together, but I chose to believe he would change his mind or perhaps i could shepherd him back into a real relationship with me by doing whatever he wanted and even pulling away occasionally so he would pursue. Eventually we had a talk and it all came out that we are not on the same page, I was very hurt, we stopped talking and during this time of silence I have come to the realization of how strong my denial really was.
Had I faced the truth, that he only wants to be friends, then I would have walked away sooner instead of waiting to essentially be left or dumped again. I guess I'm wondering why I put myself through this, why I reenacted another breakup with him when the first one was so incredibly painful. I created the cage I lived in the past 9 months, and I'm trying to figure out and understand why.
Anyone else relate?
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Post by ocarina on Feb 11, 2018 20:04:11 GMT
Just wanted to say - again - that you're really brave for delving into this. It's the hardest thing ever, to take someones words at face value when they are telling you they don't want a relationship - or not the same relationship as you. Particularly when it's interspersed with ambivalence, intermittent reinforcement etc.
I think this is a big lesson learnt and in doing so you have reclaimed your power.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 11, 2018 20:09:07 GMT
Just wanted to say - again - that you're really brave for delving into this. It's the hardest thing ever, to take someones words at face value when they are telling you they don't want a relationship - or not the same relationship as you. Particularly when it's interspersed with ambivalence, intermittent reinforcement etc. I think this is a big lesson learnt and in doing so you have reclaimed your power. Thank you Ocarina. I really appreciate the words of support. You also validated a lot by pointing out how hard it is to take someones words at face value when they are ambivalent, and the intermittent reinforcement occurs. I tend to take all the responsibility when it comes to relationships, but I'm working on just my role and how my denial fed the cycle with my ex. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:15:36 GMT
I don't really know, but my friends have said they don't want to give up hope and they think the guy can change. My guy friends don't do this as much as my women friends, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. There's always a lot of hope that the person will change. Not sure if this has anything to do with my avoidance, but I have always thought that people don't change and if they do, it will be minimal or extremely slow. Perhaps, it's because my own evolvement has been so slow, that's what I see.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 11, 2018 20:21:23 GMT
I don't really know, but my friends have said they don't want to give up hope and they think the guy can change. My guy friends don't do this as much as my women friends, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. There's always a lot of hope that the person will change. Not sure if this has anything to do with my avoidance, but I have always thought that people don't change and if they do, it will be minimal or extremely slow. Perhaps, it's because my own evolvement has been so slow, that's what I see. Yeah, I had a lot of hope that he would want to get back together. I let myself believe that he kept seeing me because he still had feelings and perhaps maybe even regretted breaking up with me. I hoped at some point we would just say, OK! we are back! I did not want to hear the words he was saying. I only wanted to believe his actions. When both did not match, that also was a strong sign to walk away and let myself heal. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:22:23 GMT
Just wanted to say - again - that you're really brave for delving into this. It's the hardest thing ever, to take someones words at face value when they are telling you they don't want a relationship - or not the same relationship as you. Particularly when it's interspersed with ambivalence, intermittent reinforcement etc. I think this is a big lesson learnt and in doing so you have reclaimed your power. Thank you Ocarina. I really appreciate the words of support. You also validated a lot by pointing out how hard it is to take someones words at face value when they are ambivalent, and the intermittent reinforcement occurs. I tend to take all the responsibility when it comes to relationships, but I'm working on just my role and how my denial fed the cycle with my ex. Kristyrose, i have to reflect on this for an answer but i want to say i think you are so brave and honest, i have huge respect for you and your open sharing. you’re doing the work. it’s great. hugs! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:28:12 GMT
I don't really know, but my friends have said they don't want to give up hope and they think the guy can change. My guy friends don't do this as much as my women friends, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. There's always a lot of hope that the person will change. Not sure if this has anything to do with my avoidance, but I have always thought that people don't change and if they do, it will be minimal or extremely slow. Perhaps, it's because my own evolvement has been so slow, that's what I see. i hoped for change too, and got outside reinforcement for that, as well as reinforcement from him. there was progress for both of us but i outpaced him. there was denial, but i see it was supported by everyone involved haha! in the end, being true to myself won out. going forward, i know to have more confidence in my perceptions and take fewer cues from a dysfunctional partner. i have found that when a person says they can’t give you what you need they are doing a great service! in spite of what they are doing on the outside, verbal denials of a relationship do carry a lot of weight and there is no excuse to deny them. its just lessons learned. we all hope for things that can’t be, and look for clues that it can. it’s a human weakness, when it comes to getting our needs met. we can just do better next time. for me it is as as simple as honoring verbal commitments and denial of commitments. i keep it really simple like that. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:31:28 GMT
i also think it’s natural and healthy to expect to grow as a couple.
it’s just knowing what your lines really are, and catching yourself in the act of bulshitting yourself as it actually occurs and getting real.
the more you make a habit of denying your internal cues, the easier it gets and before you know it you’re just full of crap.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:42:32 GMT
I also just thought of this while I was picking up my food. It may have something to do with the way you trust. When words and actions don't match, you have to decide which one to believe or which carries more weight. Some pick words over actions and others vice versa. I pick actions over words as you did.
My ex, in the beginning actually told me he was an asshole! None of his actions though spoke to that. In the end though, yea, he's kind of an asshole.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:55:17 GMT
I also just thought of this while I was picking up my food. It may have something to do with the way you trust. When words and actions don't match, you have to decide which one to believe or which carries more weight. Some pick words over actions and others vice versa. I pick actions over words as you did. My ex, in the beginning actually told me he was an asshole! None of his actions though spoke to that. In the end though, yea, he's kind of an asshole. here is what i found out. in order to trust there should not be a discrepancy between actions and words. if they don’t match, pick the reality you least would like to admit because that is the one you’re denying by accepting a discrepancy. then face it because if you don’t it’s on you. sad but true. i’ve learned it in painful ways, also. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 20:56:20 GMT
IF THERE IS A DISCREPANCY SOMEONE IS HIDING.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 21:57:50 GMT
I also just thought of this while I was picking up my food. It may have something to do with the way you trust. When words and actions don't match, you have to decide which one to believe or which carries more weight. Some pick words over actions and others vice versa. I pick actions over words as you did. My ex, in the beginning actually told me he was an asshole! None of his actions though spoke to that. In the end though, yea, he's kind of an asshole. here is what i found out. in order to trust there should not be a discrepancy between actions and words. if they don’t match, pick the reality you least would like to admit because that is the one you’re denying by accepting a discrepancy. then face it because if you don’t it’s on you. sad but true. i’ve learned it in painful ways, also. "in order to trust there should not be a discrepancy between actions and words. If they don’t match, pick the reality you least would like to admit because that is the one you’re denying by accepting a discrepancy." Confirmation bias is a bitch. To be honest, my ex FA used to say that words meant nothing and that it was actions that counted. But when it came to observing hers, I chose to believe whatever I wanted to believe at the time. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 22:00:27 GMT
yes, and for me, it is wise to evaluate if actions and words match and then take responsibility for my own choice around it.
seeing things as they actually are and not how i want to be is the way i find my freedom.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 22:21:25 GMT
Hey everyone, I'm starting to realize a few things about my relationship with my ex FA. Most of you know my story, he broke up with me in April last year, then we started hanging out again on a routine basis for the past 9 months. I took it as dating since we were exclusive and did go on dates, spent weekends at each others places, but he saw it as being friends. During the course of this post break-up time, he would remind me were were not really together, but then still hang out with me in the same manner occasionally taking a weekend here and there to himself. I would pull away whenever he mentioned that we should not have any expectations, he would then pursue a little and I took that all as he is just in denial, he is out of touch with his feelings, he really wants to be with me- obviously! I chose to ignore his words and just viewed his actions as the definitive sign. I'm realizing now how much denial I was in. I knew the whole time deep down he did not want to get back together, but I chose to believe he would change his mind or perhaps i could shepherd him back into a real relationship with me by doing whatever he wanted and even pulling away occasionally so he would pursue. Eventually we had a talk and it all came out that we are not on the same page, I was very hurt, we stopped talking and during this time of silence I have come to the realization of how strong my denial really was. Had I faced the truth, that he only wants to be friends, then I would have walked away sooner instead of waiting to essentially be left or dumped again. I guess I'm wondering why I put myself through this, why I reenacted another breakup with him when the first one was so incredibly painful. I created the cage I lived in the past 9 months, and I'm trying to figure out and understand why. Anyone else relate? Have you read this, Kristy? www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/this-isnt-love-youre-in-pattern-theyre-in-pattern/ |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 12, 2018 18:08:21 GMT
I also just thought of this while I was picking up my food. It may have something to do with the way you trust. When words and actions don't match, you have to decide which one to believe or which carries more weight. Some pick words over actions and others vice versa. I pick actions over words as you did. My ex, in the beginning actually told me he was an asshole! None of his actions though spoke to that. In the end though, yea, he's kind of an asshole. I have to agree with this in the way of how I trust. I tend to believe more in actions as well, but after this experience I do feel that words and actions must match up. It is such a mind F**K to deal with someone who claims they do not have feelings for you, to turn around and express actions that indicate feelings. It's painful and confusing if you choose to believe those actions, as I did. But also, his claims of not wanting to be in a relationship DID turn out to be true in the end, so it's almost like a delayed action to the words I guess. |
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