Understanding my own denial

Yasmin!!! HUGS to you. I really appreciate this post from the bottom of my heart because it validates so much of what I have been feeling about my ex. I really believed at times I was going crazy, that I was missing signals somehow or just being desperate and pathetic. It was very much a reciprocal and intimate relationship where I could feel a lot of love and care along with the ambivalence that has been there since I met him. I did have hope, by god I lived off of it! Letting that hope go and accepting the reality for what it is, even though the reality felt mutual has been the hardest thing to do. 

THANK YOU for making me feel less crazy, for helping me see what has been almost impossible to recognize for almost 3 years now!

It does, but my ex played the role of boyfriend while insisting we were not together anytime things got too close. So, he would pull away, I would not reach out, then he would come back and behave as if he made a mistake, no words, just reuniting with a fierceness, as if he was anxious. Then, we'd be back in a seemingly happy routine, until he would remind me that we are not together yet again- I would back off and he would come back. I finally said, lets stop this and just be together- that is when he denied we ever behaved as if we were. Mind you, we were monogamous and spending every weekend together, and talking daily.

So, not sure if you behaved the same as he did. Honestly, he sounds worse.

I completely believe this is true.  Having dated someone with these same patterns I am 100% sure he didn't mean any malice and that he thought he was being honest; but I think the denial here is so deep that you can't see that there's nothing honest about this behavior because it's yourself you're lying to.

It's a creation of parameters that meet your needs and protect your psyche from acknowledgement of the painful fear inside you.  Like a kind of psychological splitting to protect from the cognitive dissonance.  

A person who wants to have a relationship has one, and the person who doesn't want to have one doesn't have one. 

The FA is somewhere in the middle zone of that where they want a relationship very much (so they pursue it and act like they are in one) but they are simultaneously terrified of what being in one means on such a deep subconscious level that they need to call it something else, keep disappearing and coming back or assert their freedom with denial of the reality of the relationship that is actually happening.

This person then convinces themselves that the other person is not quite right, not "the one" and that they're "just friends".  They might be so far into that denial as to believe they are being "honest" or that the other person is willingly engaging in a transparent situation where their own choices are freely made.

There's a big difference between this FA pattern and the idea of a guy who doesn't want commitment or anything serious. 

I dated someone a couple of years ago who wanted a friends with benefits situation.  He ACTED like that was what he wanted.  Sure...we had sex and spent some time together that was very affectionate.  NO though - we didn't go on romantic dates, we didn't talk for hours about our feelings, we didn't gaze into each others eyes or meet each others kids or hold hands walking down the street.  Those are the actions of people in relationships and when you are in that situation with someone it's incredibly confusing when they are in denial of the reality of the situation.

Both parties are in confusion.

And, worryingly, the partner receives a double blow here because not only are they being told they are just a friend by someone they're in love with and effectively in a romantic relationship with (which makes them feel crazy) but the other person is actually telling them that this crazy situation is taking place because they're flawed and not "the one".  It's a bit like transferring your own crappy behavior and letting the person you're dating take responsibility for it, and if that person's self esteem isn't high enough then they might allow that to continue without saying, "hang on a sec, this isn't right".

This is really classic FA and I get the mechanism that causes it, but it's also emotionally abusive.  I dated and FA who did this to me for a few months and I would love to think that he'd get real with this situation, seek help and begin to take responsibility for it so that he can see that the reason all this is happening isn't because no one is listening to his needs or women are demanding more than he wants to give...

This is happening because he wants love and a relationship very much, but he also wants to run away from it.  It's happening because he's a fearful avoidant.

If he can own that, then I think he's already 90% of the way to healing and stopping leaving a trail of destruction behind him, because the denial he is in is what causes the pain for others.  And also, in a worse way, for himself because he actually believes he's not lovable because all his relationships (in his words) "start out as fun and exciting but then get a little bit sad" and he's not a bad guy so he's not enjoying doing this to people!

I think ultimately if you walk away from a relationship or dating situation and then miss the person and want to reconnect with them and see them again, then you can take this as a pretty clear sign that you actually really like this person and it's your defensive walls and fears that drove you away.  It's very sad for everyone caught in the dance because I do believe there can be very true feelings on both sides and both people are losing the chance for love.

I agree as well with everything Yasmin said. So clear and concise.

When you are stuck in the mire as I have been, it's a very lonely and confusing place to be. My ex would never talk about what was going on with him, never expressed his feelings the entire time I've known him and that became my norm. I relied solely on his actions because there were no words coming from him. When there were, they were only negative distancing phrases: "we fight too much" "i've never raised my voice before with anyone else" "you are over emotional" "don't play the victim" etc. He would try to have conversations with me after an argument and would be very defensive in those talks and focus on the minutia and not delve any deeper, so we never resolved anything. Then when he dumped me, he told me he adored me, found me intensely beautiful, the kindest person he ever met in his life. SO confusing. Why would you dump someone like that? 

I held onto hope because I loved him and believed so much that what I felt when he held me all night in our sleep was real. I would catch him staring at me and smiling, then he'd try to hide it, it always seemed like he was fighting against it, or trying to demean or value what we had. 

I have no idea at this point how much of his actions he is aware of, I believe not much. I think he is in deep deep denial. But each day I'm getting more clarity and understanding on what I need to do now. And the pain is slowly, very slowly starting to subside.

I cannot tell you all how much these types of clarifying posts help me find my way. I feel like I have real solid support behind me from people who can truly understand. 

mrob I do appreciate you being here and providing some insight. 

yasmin you are so amazing! there are almost no words!!! 

This is an agenda that Kristyrose had to accomplish HER OWN AIMS for the relationship and she passive aggressively enacted ploys to change his mind.
SHE NO DOUBT minimized her needs to him when she did whatever HE WANTED.
She encouraged his PURSUIT.
YES i think his is a F*ukt*ard but Kristyrose had an agenda CONTRARY to his, she did not get her way, her needs did not get met, she was hurt by her own behavior.
As soon as the focus stops shifting away from her own part in this, she can take responsibility for it and become conscious and aware WHEN SHE IS ACTING OUT instead of post fact, when the damage is done. Damage done to her, by her.  Yes he is involved.  Thats the way it is when there are two people.  But Kristyrose has control only of herself and she handled this in such a way as to throw herself under the bus.

The focus CONTINUALLY goes to what is going on in her ex's mind.  It's an obsession.  And it does not set her free.  The whole time they were not in contact, she obsessed about how she felt.  She was miserable and heartbroken.  Now, she is examining her denial and her own agenda, and the conversation is back to how this guy did her wrong. And i might add, he doesn't seem to suffer much.  So who cares what he does, he pays no price.  He isn't here crying.  He is doing what he wants with a willing participant. 

I have empathy, sympathy, compassion.... or I would keep my mouth shut.  If i didn't care, i wouldn't call this out.  WHO CARES what he did. who cares?  should he apologize and stop and fix this?  will he?  NO.  so who can fix this?

This is the type of circular conversation that frankly, DA's have a very hard time enduring.  I accept it here, but thought I would be so bold as to point out that this circular discussion will keep Kristyrose trapped in a prison of her own making.  She admits she had an agenda and did not take care of herself here.  Until that changes, more devastating pain will ensue.

I wouldn't say it to wound.  All the focus on his behavior is maddening and useless.  It CHANGES NOTHING for Kristyrose.  ONLY KRISTYROSE can change this situation, by changing her own thinking and actions in it.

Sincerely, and with love, tgat.

Very true.