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Post by kristyrose on Feb 12, 2018 23:33:47 GMT
Thank you Mary :-) It hurts, but I do know it's not all because of him, but of the deep issues I am sorting through. I just wish I knew more about what his experience was like. He refuses to talk about it only to say "we fought too much" and his feelings were not that strong. This confuses me as well, only because he came back after dumping me - I just wish I had a better understanding of his experience with me, but outcome indeed is the same. Yeah, I got "we're not just not compatible" - which is inarguable in any pragmatic sense, but it's just irritating in the saddest way that her understanding of our incompatibilities is utterly different than mine - along with "I just don't feel the way about you that you want me to..." -- but they're just words, Kristy. He loved you in the best way he could, as did she with me. You deserve a fulfilling - and consistent - love. Stay strong. Thank you. Although I'm not really sure he ever loved me. At this point I think he just thought of himself, he is not particularly empathetic. That's ok, more reason to find someone who is. you deserve the same, glad we can chat and keep each other strong. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 12, 2018 23:42:32 GMT
Thank you Mary :-) It hurts, but I do know it's not all because of him, but of the deep issues I am sorting through. I just wish I knew more about what his experience was like. He refuses to talk about it only to say "we fought too much" and his feelings were not that strong. This confuses me as well, only because he came back after dumping me - I just wish I had a better understanding of his experience with me, but outcome indeed is the same. I think there is a lot of confusion about people "coming back" from what I see posted on this site. I think it is quite rare that people that break up and make up actually end up together, because one person always feels stronger than the other. I think this is somewhat common no matter the style. I think the discrepancy is much larger in AP/avoidant pairings. I don't see that trying again at a failed relationship necessarily means the person has strong feelings still, but they have some feelings and are willing to see where it goes. In your case, I think your ex handled the situation very poorly and caused a whole lot more confusion and hurt. I think my ex felt the initial panic of suddenly not having me in his life, my total adulation and willingness to do things his way- the companionship were all gone, so he did whatever it took to get his needs met by reaching out. He probably did not plan on seeing me for so long and getting back into a routine, and once he did, decided to pump the brakes to get more space. If there was too much space, he pulled me back in. The pull was strong for me as I explained above, feeling unloved etc., but in the end, I knew all along he didn't want to get back together- I just took any sign of his affection as a soothing balm for my hurt heart. And yes he handled it like SHIT! especially knowing I still wanted to be with him. PRICK! sorry. angry today as well ;-) |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 23:50:52 GMT
I think there is a lot of confusion about people "coming back" from what I see posted on this site. I think it is quite rare that people that break up and make up actually end up together, because one person always feels stronger than the other. I think this is somewhat common no matter the style. I think the discrepancy is much larger in AP/avoidant pairings. I don't see that trying again at a failed relationship necessarily means the person has strong feelings still, but they have some feelings and are willing to see where it goes. In your case, I think your ex handled the situation very poorly and caused a whole lot more confusion and hurt. I think my ex felt the initial panic of suddenly not having me in his life, my total adulation and willingness to do things his way- the companionship were all gone, so he did whatever it took to get his needs met by reaching out. He probably did not plan on seeing me for so long and getting back into a routine, and once he did, decided to pump the brakes to get more space. If there was too much space, he pulled me back in. The pull was strong for me as I explained above, feeling unloved etc., but in the end, I knew all along he didn't want to get back together- I just took any sign of his affection as a soothing balm for my hurt heart. And yes he handled it like SHIT! especially knowing I still wanted to be with him. PRICK! sorry. angry today as well ;-) that anger is good! my ex would take me back on his terms in heartbeat but that fact annoys me and i feel anger at the disrespect. i don’t feel sad i feel that it’s selfish and that’s not an attractive trait!!! so let it push you forward! its all good, this too shall pass for you and i swear we will all be sitting around when we’re old wondering what that blip’s name was?! lol. its ok to have some humor as well! 😁 |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 0:18:19 GMT
Thanks T!
From what I'm gathering he was beyond Avoidant. It seems that his extreme lack of empathy is less about attachment and more about possibly being a Narc?
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Post by mrob on Feb 13, 2018 0:44:24 GMT
Can I ask..... it’s ok to be angry, but where does the other person’s will come into it? I told my last ex exactly how it was. She wanted to escalate it, I called it off because that was not what I wanted. This happened a couple of times until I knew this circle would not change and was unhealthy for both of us and went NC. Surely I have the right to determine what I want in my life?
When does this go from a “He’s just not into you” into a avoidant/preoccupied dance?
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 0:51:34 GMT
Can I ask..... it’s ok to be angry, but where does the other person’s will come into it? I told my last ex exactly how it was. She wanted to escalate it, I called it off because that was not what I wanted. This happened a couple of times until I knew this circle would not change and was unhealthy for both of us and went NC. Surely I have the right to determine what I want in my life? When does this go from a “He’s just not into you” into a avoidant/preoccupied dance? Hi mrob, Just want to understand your questions more clearly. I definitely agree that anyone has the right to walk away from a relationship if they want to, and no one should stick around if its hurting them. I take full responsibility for my staying in something painful, I'm going through recognizing my own denial and role in it. I think for me, his coming back to initiate contact over and my receiving and participating as well, kept the dance going. He also wasn't into me either I think. So maybe its both? |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 18:15:54 GMT
Actually I gave this a little more thought.
If my ex wasn't into me, he would have stopped seeing me after he broke up with me in April. Instead, we started dating again up until just a few weeks ago. The only reason we have stopped is because I asked him to acknowledge we are back together (neither of us have dated since the break up). He refused, saying we are just "friends" and he wants to keep things as they are.
To me, that is more of the avoidant/preoccupied dance because historically he has only had 6 month relationships anyway, so it could be stated he is never into anyone. Which could also be true though.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 19:55:46 GMT
Actually I gave this a little more thought. If my ex wasn't into me, he would have stopped seeing me after he broke up with me in April. Instead, we started dating again up until just a few weeks ago. The only reason we have stopped is because I asked him to acknowledge we are back together (neither of us have dated since the break up). He refused, saying we are just "friends" and he wants to keep things as they are. To me, that is more of the avoidant/preoccupied dance because historically he has only had 6 month relationships anyway, so it could be stated he is never into anyone. Which could also be true though. I think we have to take into account a persons ability to actually be available/make commitments/have relationships, etc. The issue of him not being into you or not may be separate from his ability. People have the choice of whether to be in a relationship or not. We have to look at if that is conveyed in a respectful manner or not. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 20:38:33 GMT
Actually I gave this a little more thought. If my ex wasn't into me, he would have stopped seeing me after he broke up with me in April. Instead, we started dating again up until just a few weeks ago. The only reason we have stopped is because I asked him to acknowledge we are back together (neither of us have dated since the break up). He refused, saying we are just "friends" and he wants to keep things as they are. To me, that is more of the avoidant/preoccupied dance because historically he has only had 6 month relationships anyway, so it could be stated he is never into anyone. Which could also be true though. I think we have to take into account a persons ability to actually be available/make commitments/have relationships, etc. The issue of him not being into you or not may be separate from his ability. People have the choice of whether to be in a relationship or not. We have to look at if that is conveyed in a respectful manner or not. Yes, that is a good point. I think there are too many factors involved when it comes to insecure attachment styles. It's easy to boil it down to either being avoidant or anxious, but at the end of the day there is still the whole person. I think it's hard for me at times because I have to accept that I will never really know all the answers, I just need to accept the reality. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 14, 2018 0:11:26 GMT
Hi applaud you for your post Kristy but i also think (again) youre being too generous to him. You're not a fantasist. The man WAS in a relationship with you by every measurable means and he was bring a jackass saying he wanted to be friends while acting nothing like that . I'm not so sure you were in denial as much as being totally damn confused. If soneone doesnt want to eat, they dont eat. His actions and words did not match. mrob I think you project a lot. This is not your situation. This guy wanted to be on a relationship with Kristy because if he didn't want to be then he wouldn't have been dating her and treating like her boyfriend. Lets not confuse each person's needs being valid with the idea that it's okay to use people or confuse them or be selfish. If you don't want to date someone then don't date them. Don't act like their boyfriend if that's not what you want to be. Personal responsibility please!!! |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 14, 2018 0:30:38 GMT
Can I also just add here that there's nothing honest about this behaviour.
Honest would be "I don't want to be your boyfriend but I do want you to treat me like I am and give me sex, affection, dates, shared experience, emotional intimacy etc. But on the understanding I have no commitment or responsibility towards you".
Saying "I want to be friends" and extracting all of the above from someone you're fully aware loves you and wants more over a prolonged period of time is not just "avoidant" it's actually cruel and selfish.
It's not a case of "he's just not that into you" - which again I think belittles Kristy who for all intents and purposes has been engaged in a reciprocal and intimate romantic relationship with this man for a very long period of time!!
If your habit is to behave like Kristys ex has... I'd suggest serious therapy to work on your own issues instead of inflicting pain and confusion on others. Relationships dont exist in a vacuum. Each of us has experienced relationships where one or the other wanted more. As adults we have a responsibility to treat the emotions of those we relate to as being valid and important and if we can't do that then we're not fit to engage in those relationships.
It's not the woman's fault for being so clingy and deluded. If she lacks anything it's the strength to realise she's worth so much more.
Hes the one texting and chasing her here. The guy needs a firm slap to the forehead. Suggesting otherwise is harmful to Kristys self esteem which is already in jeapordy due to her AP attachment and the rollercoaster of push and pull and confusion she's been on here.
Bravo to you Kristy for taking responsibility for your part. Your hope. Your denial. Your confusion.
But please also remember you'd not have been put into that in the first place if he'd been able to treat you with more emotional consideration.
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Post by mrob on Feb 14, 2018 1:16:26 GMT
Well, there you go. Put in my place.
It is never my intention to belittle or offend anyone, and I’m really sorry to have done that, Yasmin. I’m really just trying to share my screwed up experience in the hope that it helps someone.
I have done exactly what Kirstyrose’s ex is doing, repeatedly. I never meant any malice, and with the last one I thought I was being honest, but it ended up just like this. That’s why I’m here, and undergoing therapy.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 1:24:54 GMT
Well, there you go. Put in my place. It is never my intention to belittle or offend anyone, and I’m really sorry to have done that, Yasmin. I’m really just trying to share my screwed up experience in the hope that it helps someone. I have done exactly what Kirstyrose’s ex is doing, repeatedly. I never meant any malice, and with the last one I thought I was being honest, but it ended up just like this. That’s why I’m here, and undergoing therapy. ((( mrob ))) i am dismissive and didn’t know it could be like this. i am glad you are here. yasmin is a strong speaker and one of our awesome contributors too. i so appreciate the dialog happening. it’s a learning experience for all! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 2:35:57 GMT
Well, there you go. Put in my place. It is never my intention to belittle or offend anyone, and I’m really sorry to have done that, Yasmin. I’m really just trying to share my screwed up experience in the hope that it helps someone. I have done exactly what Kirstyrose’s ex is doing, repeatedly. I never meant any malice, and with the last one I thought I was being honest, but it ended up just like this. That’s why I’m here, and undergoing therapy. Very, very interesting. Thank you for sharing. Do you think you are more DA or FA? You don't have to answer if you are not comfortable. It's just that I am DA and I don't understand the push/pull like this. I just keep pulling away further and further away. If I am not pursued or have a stable partner, it just falls apart. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 2:51:44 GMT
my ex da and i push pulled and sniffed around a bit but it’s mutual and about ego and sex. seriously. ego and sex. it wasn’t the same kind of deep dynamic that i could tell, more of a “goddammit why?” when we both know why. we always had a strong pull chemistry wise, but there isn’t the anxiety involved.
it’s all so weird, we are all just weird. kidding but not.
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