Is it normal for AP to lose self identity after DA breakup?

I totally get this.

But i haven't rejected him, not once. His misinterpretation of my fear about moving overseas absolutely, he took as rejection and that's why he dumped me before i could say i was leaving (even though i wasn't going to). That's where a lot of his guilt seems to lie at the moment.

Our chat last week was him saying he misses me, and he's sorry. I said i miss him too, so much, and that it's not his fault he was scared. I then followed up when he apologised for putting his pain and loneliness on me, that i was grateful he could be so vulnerable.

He hasn't once said he wants me to come back. I get your point - and it makes sense that i pull back from saying my intention in going over is to 'say goodbye' and ask him whether i can come and we can just see each other. But I'm also working off where he seems to be at. I totally think DA men and women are misunderstood - Im struggling so much to understand how to interact with him in a way that makes him feel safe! He often seems scared off by too much vulnerability, but potentially shuts down with too little?

Not being facetious - im just so confused!

it does make sense, in terms of the confusion you are feeling.
i can address specifics later if we need to.

as an exercise in simplicity tho, just between us without thought to his internal processes, i want to ask you to do something. just as our exercise.

Tell me in six sentences or less exactly what you think and feel about this situation.
Six or less.
include your hope, fear, feelings about him, feelings about your recovery as AP, all of it.
just boil it down.
do NOT include speculation about him.

it will be challenging but this is just to get to the nitty gritty of what's truly going on with you and we will take it from there.

by the way, the most detrimental assumption i see is that an AP needs to help their partner be safe.
this is not true.

we are not receptive or reliant on external things from other individuals for our internal safety and endeavors to keep us safe feel very different to us than intended. Largely because they are based on misunderstandings and fear based perceptions and cannot come close to what we actually need or desire.
i see AP miss the mark over and over again with fear based intentions and don't have time to address it all.

back to the exercise. six sentences to express your whole truth. Go. 😁👍

this is great. go rest, eat well, and maybe do something very nurturing for yourself.
we will continue when you are fresh.
i enjoy this because it reinforces what i do with my DA partner .i love him too.

I think the indecision regarding breakups, what to do and what not to do are a product of not trusting yourself and fear of not having enough information to make the decision. Hope is sometimes the flip side of not trusting yourself to make the right decision for yourself. What if this person can change, what if this person can be who I need, what if I didn't give this person enough chances. The decision in what to do relies in trusting your own decision process and knowing you have enough information to make the decision.

If you feel you don't have enough information, then get the information necessary to make the decision.

So here is the thing Juniper...it may be a lightbulb moment......APs fear abandonment....abandonment fears trigger a lack of safety.  We don't offer safety to our partners out of some misguided thought that we can protect our partner...we try to offer safety because that is what we as APs need.  We all tend to give what we most want...the issue is that we also don't 1. Consider that we are doing this and thus speak clearly to that need and 2. Because we give what we want to get and vice versa...we create a vast hole where neither person is getting what he/she truly needs since so much is unspoken but reacted upon.  We judge what our partner gives us through the lens of our own brokenness...not from the perspective of curiosity.  I often said I wanted a handbook for B...not so I could take advantage of what I learned (as I suspect was his fear) but so that I would be able to see things from his perspective correctly and not just through my own AP lens.  It is very hard to get to know someone who has been overwhelmed, not accepted and expected to be a certain way from a caregiver who only thought of him/herself.  So many barriers to truly getting to know that person, so much suspicion about motives....and all I wanted to do was be the best partner I could be....but I had no map to follow and that stunk.

i'm not arguing that, and it's understandable but i don't excuse it in current understanding. when you know better you do better and how will you know if you don't hear it from the source?

i'm not going to refrain from speaking here because someone might feel defensive.
i'm not defensive. i'm here supporting an AP with my whole heart.
we don't have to continually defend dysfunction and we don't have to let it be the elephant in the room.

and frankly it doesn't really matter to me where it comes from, there isn't fault in it.
i'm not here flogging anyone or myself.
i'm just saying what i have to say and there it is.
friendly and honest and without any emotion.

the AP dynamic doesn't affect me at all because i am not involved with any. I don't have anything to be upset about, i'm just saying what i observe.

your triggers aren't my issue though. if you respond that way you stay stuck.  i am here to be myself. i am happy to go also but the OP is responding differently.  

if you need to address your triggers that's a good thing, but i don't really feel the need to silence my helpful advice because it might hurt your feelings.  i don't intend harm and if it's taken, you have to protect yourself.  i'm not your mom and my dynamic with you is present tense.

do you speak out to protect my feelings when someone comes here absolutely bashing DA?  i have no expectation for you to.   people say what they have to say and we participate as adults.