flic
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Post by flic on Apr 21, 2018 22:12:39 GMT
goldilocks yes i think that sums it up. I know i deferred responsibility for my own life onto him when we moved. I can see that now. The move triggered a fear of abandonment that wasn't present before we left - we'd actually had very few problems in the relationship before then. But looking back, I realise now i was always a bit anxious, because he held back so much and kept things from me. I can accept that now as his way, but it didn't help when it was just me and him in a new country. 4 weeks after we got there, he came home very late one night without texting, and I completely over-reacted. I cried and said I was feeling isolated, and wanted to go home. The next day he told people we'd broken up, and sent a text to a friend asking them to find him a girlfriend from the country we moved to. I saw one of the texts a week later, but didn't mention it to him. So after that, I think i completely gave up trying to integrate, so certain was I that he was going to leave me. And equally, he says all my behaviour suggested I was going to leave him. Thus we danced away from each other.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 22, 2018 9:53:57 GMT
goldilocks yes i think that sums it up. I know i deferred responsibility for my own life onto him when we moved. I can see that now. What would you need to continue to accept responsibility for your own life while in a relationship? What would you be like it you did? How would you feel? |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 22, 2018 10:17:13 GMT
goldilocks yes i think that sums it up. I know i deferred responsibility for my own life onto him when we moved. I can see that now. What would you need to continue to accept responsibility for your own life while in a relationship? What would you be like it you did? How would you feel? These are good questions, thank you. I think, it's about taking action without guarantee of the outcome. I get very scared, particularly in terms of working out what to do in my career, and in terms of this current situation - of making friends in the new city, of making a decision and 'getting it wrong'. Both my serious relationships have been with people who I admired especially in terms of their resolve when making decisions to do with their career and their laid back nature. What would I need then? I think more trust in my own intuition, and my own decision making process. What would I be like? More decisive, less worried about the long-term outcomes, more able to take things a day at a time (God that last one is so relevant for the current situation) How would I feel? Happier in the present, less controlling, less anxious, more empowered |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 22, 2018 10:27:33 GMT
Sounds like what you admire in others is exactly what you need to develop in yourself.
Have you got a mentor in your career?
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 22, 2018 10:47:05 GMT
Sounds like what you admire in others is exactly what you need to develop in yourself. Have you got a mentor in your career? Completely agree. I don't have a mentor - partly because I've been contracting for the last year or so, and not in one specific area. And I'm not sure what industry I actually want to be in. At the moment, I don't have a job (just doing some bits and pieces) because I quit all my jobs when I went overseas and the easiest one to get back into is the area I've decided I definitely want to get out of. The career bit is probably the biggest area where I feel so lost in re-setting my life here. My ex was such a sounding board for me in terms of this, and i had been planning on applying to do a Masters while overseas. Now i just have no idea, and can't work out what the first step is in working it out. I have an old colleague who wants me to start a business with her - and I can't for the life of me work out whether it's a good idea or not. |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 22, 2018 10:47:57 GMT
By the way goldilocks - i really appreciate these questions / challenges. Very lovely of you to take the time, and they are so useful (feel much more useful than the therapy i've been doing actually!) |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2018 17:09:41 GMT
These are good questions, thank you. I think, it's about taking action without guarantee of the outcome. I get very scared, particularly in terms of working out what to do in my career, and in terms of this current situation - of making friends in the new city, of making a decision and 'getting it wrong'. Both my serious relationships have been with people who I admired especially in terms of their resolve when making decisions to do with their career and their laid back nature. What would I need then? I think more trust in my own intuition, and my own decision making process. What would I be like? More decisive, less worried about the long-term outcomes, more able to take things a day at a time (God that last one is so relevant for the current situation) How would I feel? Happier in the present, less controlling, less anxious, more empowered Hi flic, yes, you WILL feel less anxious, more empowered, more in control, soon. That is your true path forward, to believe in yourself again, with the How methods. With that confidence, it doesn't matter if your business fails, if your boyfriend is disappointing, because life will always be throwing curve balls at you and all of us. It is about making yourself so resilient that every time things don't work out you can get up again and again, wiser, better, and happier. You can't fail, you can only fail to try. The magic is to become a confident person who doesn't fear failures. That is the path to success, because most successful people, to give some extreme examples, Richard Branson, Gates, etc. went through countless failures. When in doubt about career choices, go with your passion. Not only will you feel more fulfilled, this is probably what you are meant to do. Peer suggests going back to the age of 7 to 14, in memories or hypnotism, what were you passionate about? Was it something creative? Was it a thing for helping others? That's where your passion lies, and what you will be happiest doing. I don't mean to make her out to be the ultimate guru but she has been successful in doing therapy work, and I find her methods easy and effective to find my confidence again. You're so far along now. Just walk towards the light that is your future self that is no longer anxious and pre-occupied, but strong, secure, cheerfully, fearlessly taking on challenges because of your confidence. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 14:23:07 GMT
@mary - I just read back over a bunch of stuff and thought about what you said. I'm literally choosing to ignore everything this forum, and Attachment Theory in general, has taught me, aren't I. Ok, so maybe awareness of that is a good start?  Awareness is the first step, but even with awareness, it's very very hard to change. It's a lot of thinking, realizing, doing and integrating. From my experience, the process is slow, but I celebrate the baby steps and I hope you can too. |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 24, 2018 5:38:52 GMT
@mary - I just read back over a bunch of stuff and thought about what you said. I'm literally choosing to ignore everything this forum, and Attachment Theory in general, has taught me, aren't I. Ok, so maybe awareness of that is a good start? Awareness is the first step, but even with awareness, it's very very hard to change. It's a lot of thinking, realizing, doing and integrating. From my experience, the process is slow, but I celebrate the baby steps and I hope you can too. Absolutely. As much as this situation has broken my heart (and nearly me) i feel i have clarity on the traits and behaviours I display and how they affect those i am in relationship with. And with this, I'm hopeful I can change, slow as it may be. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Apr 30, 2018 3:43:05 GMT
I wish I'd known about Attachment Theory before i started my now finished relationship of 2 years (don't we all). I think I was fairly secure when we met, but over time became more and more Anxious. My ex DA ghosted me 3 weeks after we met, after showering me with praise and affection and doing sweet things. He then came back, apologised and we started an intense relationship (silly me). On paper, it seemed the perfect relationship, he told me he'd never felt this way before, that i was 'the one', he seemed so perfect in every way, everyone marvelled at how perfect we were together - we all know the story. And I was largely happy to have found someone with whom i had such chemistry, who i admired so much, and who was always telling me how much they adored me. Though i always a little anxious, because of his emotional distance and need for space (which I was able to respect) and also he seemed to hold things back, not really care about my interests (I completely got caught up in his) lie about little things, not be honest with other women that he was in a relationship. If I'm honest, I was holding back the anxious side of me, because he had me on such a pedestal I was scared he'd run if he knew i wasn't perfect. I also realise now that we had incredible mental and physical connection, but he faked over emotional connection with external words and niceties. Anyway, fast forward 18 months and he gets accepted into a post-grad program across the other side of the world. For 4 years. He asks me to come, tells me he is certain i am 'his person' and that he wants to be vulnerable with me. And i do believe that was true, which is the sad thing (he'd just started working with a therapist). So I give up my home, my job, my family, my 6-month old niece, my friends, and move with him. We hadn't lived together before, and he had purpose, community and new friends as soon as we arrived. I didn't, and completely lost myself, felt lonely, isolated, and my anxiety sky-rocketed. I clung, became needy, complained about the city we were in, got sad and depressed. He did do everything he could externally to make me happy - buying me things, suggesting i try new hobbies, make friends, etc, but suddenly his lack of emotional availability became a massive issue for me. I needed him to hold space for me, to empathise, and he didn't seem able to. He just withdrew, stopped wanting to have sex, and got more distant. And I got more and more Anxious and crazy. But I was starting to ease a bit, 3 months in, and had a trip planned for back home for the following month, which I thought would help me. Anyway, a month before i was supposed to leave, he tells me he can't ask me to come back, that he's been scared i was going to leave the whole time, that i didn't commit and he couldn't handle my insecurity and neediness. It blindsided me because not once did he say "im scared you're going to leave" or even engage me in discussion. Instead, he'd be slowly detaching himself, even starting to look for other 'options' in girls, telling people we'd broken up etc... I tried to convince him to give me another chance (classic AP), he considered it for a while and said no, that he couldn't trust me, that he'd been fighting for our relationship the whole time, and i hadn't. So now I've had to move back to my country - with no job, no home, no partner - move back in with my parents (in my 30's!) - absolutely heartbroken and wondering what the hell just happened. Is this kind of thing more than just heartbreak? It feels so traumatic i can hardly function. I realise how much I diminished in the relationship - how much his interests and his ideology and his wonderful persona had taken up the space of my own identity - I literally feel like he sucked all my emotional stability out of me and i have lost myself. Is this normal for an AP after a break-up with a DA? And how in the hell do i a) find myself again and build my self-esteem b) Find a way of becoming secure and not traumatised by this TL;DR: Ex DA made me move across the world for him, dumped me when i got anxious and needy, now I've lost my identity (and everything else) and have no idea how to put myself back together. |
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Post by notalone on Jun 19, 2018 18:39:43 GMT
flic , i truly believe that AP's sometimes impede their growth by going No Contact. this is just my opinion. it seems the attachment is so strong, No Contact exacerbates abandonment and obsession. i see AP's get paralyzed by No Contact and not make the progress they might be able to make with a less radical approach. i could be awrong, of course. but it seems an unnecessary restriction in a case like this. suggesting an alternative, while acknowledging i could be way wrong and you guys can tell me so i can understand, if i am giving terrible advice lol. this is where a well meaning DA could miss the mark completely. but, how about awareness coupled with accountability to a set of realistic goals? keep contact, aware that you are activated in attachment, and notice what your powerlessness in your recovery feels like. just notice it. you don't need to punish yourself for it. it's natural for you to be attached, natural for you to kick yourself for it. Then, take real, progressive steps every day in your real life and recovery. empower yourself to live while in contact and attached. don't be so hard ion yourself. if you don't want to go no contact then don't. let it run its course. you are forcing to make yourself make a decision and you don't have to. as time goes, and you are attached and accountable to your recovery, your process can still teach you. i happen to think awareness is very powerful. you will get tired of causing yourself suffering and come to a natural decision . and, there is a lot of speculation still about what he is thinking. as far as the way your life is upside down, maybe honor yourself and have. conversation about that in an honest, open approach to get his feedback. DA often think things they aren't saying. and DA also sometimes DONT lead with empathy but can access it when something is pointed out. the conversation will give you more information. this is a time to practice emotional honesty instead of AP guessing, so you can hear him out also and stop any rumination about it. Maybe you can practice assertiveness in this, by talking about how this impacted you and not just focusing on the future of the relationship. the present moment has the relationship broken and you starting over, so i feel that conversations can center on that and be honest and while you take things a day at a time. again this could be totally tone deaf advice, i'm just putting it out there trying to help I agree completely. Unless it's an abusive situation, personally, I think the no contact thing is non-productive and a form of game playing. The best time to work on your "triggers" is when you are being triggered. I know I'm super late to the party but...AP here - In the past when I've broken up with someone, or been broken up with, I've not been able to stop myself from reaching out to my ex to ruminate, rehash, and get support. Of course I'd tell myself I needed closure, understanding, etc. but the truth was my inner kid just couldn't let go. Doing this made me feel badly about myself, embarrassed, more needy, angry at myself and dragged out painful endings. In some cases it lead to me getting back into unhealthy situations. I don't know if the last guy I broke up with was DA, but he was certainly somewhat emotionally unavailable, an alcoholic, and I knew ending things was the right decision. But detaching made me so upset that I couldn't stop questioning my decision, or reaching out to him, hoping he'd try to get me back. After a few weeks of this, I wrote him a message, explaining that I can't seem to stop myself from reaching out to him, it's not healthy, I don't want to upset him or myself unnecessarily, I have good support, I'm working on myself, and I'd appreciate it if he would block my number. He responded kindly wishing me well and blocked me. I assure you this was not a game. It was so hard for me to do that, it went against everything in me, but I did what I believed was best for both me and him. While I had never done no contact before that, and it seems extreme to me too, if I'm honest about what's best for me and my healing as an AP, I think no contact can be the healthiest, most self loving thing to do. No contact allowed me to move on and focus on me, and I believe it was the right thing to do in this case. In the short term, letting go is excruciating. But I think the voice that wants to hold on is my inner child, and as with most children, she is only interested in NOW! I think my adult voice is the one that tells me to let go, so I can heal and focus on myself, and be better off in the long run. |
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