Does avoidant attachment successfully lessen pain?

Thanks for clearing that up curious. Next time feel free to be direct, rather than passive aggressive.

I'd just like to point out that not once have i asked how to win my ex back, even if that is what i wanted when we first broke up. This forum has been a Godsend to me after going through an incredibly traumatic experience of losing my job, home and partner all in one go. I've read posts by your so-called 'regulars' who spent no longer on the site than i now have, and posted as many, if not more, threads asking similar questions to me (some of them specifically asking how to win an ex back). I've read them, and found some of them helpful. I've noticed that many people, when they first come to these boards, are confused about attachment theory and the resulting behaviour - as I was. Most people on these boards seem to honour that, and treat them with respect. You don't have to read my threads, nor anyone elses. 

My last post made no reference to my ex at all, and was written objectively about the AP experience. It has subsequently resulted in a lively discussion involving many members. It's actually one of the first posts I've felt confident enough to write that talks to some of the theory I've been reading about and learning through therapy. I'm really confused as to what, specifically, you took issue with.

To be honest, your comment directed to me made me feel unsafe in the forum. The fact you can't see the hypocrisy of calling someone out in a public space and suggesting their opinions aren't worthy, whilst lamenting a lack of diversity, is troubling.

I always find your comments interesting and thought-provoking, and I wish you all the best.

i personally don't mind if people talk about their ex or ruminate, it takes nothing from me ---
what i don't like is having my brain picked for insight to a DA ex just because i am DA.

i'm not here for that and it is a distraction from my own process and focus. DA here do get targeted for that and i don't mind shutting that down as far as i am concerned.

i find it rude actually. i don't want to mind read anybody's ex but sometime will offer a DA perspective on more general topics.

just making myself clear on that, and i enjoyed this topic immensely notalone, thanks for posting and all the great contributions.

I was simply asking if the post you made earlier on this thread was in reference to me, since you said "the same person" and didn't specify who it was.

I took your reply to my post asking whether you meant me ("Apologies accepted"), to mean that it was. 

Clearly this is not the case given your most recent reply - which is fine, but why didn't you just say so? All the confusion could have been avoided if you'd just addressed the person directly. Using opaque language is passive aggressive, exactly for this reason.

I'm as confused as you. 

Your original post reads  "It feels to me as if the same questions are posted by the same person in different threads over and over, in a very controlled manner. The site has changed so much, has become one-directional, and lost its diversity." It comes directly after a post i made that was provocative.

I simply asked if that was directed at me. Ie, did you mean me when you said "the same person" - singular. That was, and remains my question, not whether you were being passive aggressive to me, but were you referring to me. Which you still haven't answered. The fact you don't seem willing to say who you were referring to, but feel ok posting that comment, followed by one calling out the initials of mine and several other people's exes, well, here's the dictionary definition of passive aggressive, maybe you are unclear what it means:

of or denoting a type of behaviour or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the expectations of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.

I think that definitely clears it up for me.

Meanwhile, I'm well into Waking The Tiger now - by Peter Levine, the founder of SE therapy. Well worth the read!

goldilocks and juniper the way he talks about healing trauma sounds very similar to both your way of describing it (blocks of ice or knots of veins) and with how you were able to release your emotions and pain.

It's so inspiring to hear from people who have successfully moved to secure. I've realised that the idea of 'focusing on the self' - literally means focusing in as specifically as possible - on the body, the feelings, the sensations, the emotions. When you do that, there's no room for thinking about the 'other', because they don't exist.

@curious - Ok, that makes sense. It really does. I understand why you feel like that if that is what is happening - I don't know if people are posting under different names, I'd just assumed everyone was a distinct person because it seems weird that they wouldn't be.

As you know, i'm fairly new to this thing, so i had no idea there might be such politics at play.

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions and assumed you were talking about me - I had someone else message me because they were a little upset by my post about whether APs put themselves in situations where they will suffer, so I made an assumption I'd triggered you too, especially when you didn't dispute whether you were talking about me or not. Again, I apologise - I really was just after a yes or no answer.

And I'm sorry if my own threads have seemed repetitive to you - I've tried to post only in Support for APs when they are personal and I'm feeling down and ruminating - to me that feels like a safe space to do so.

I think everyone on these boards has their own journey - many start with a personal issue with specific questions and move towards helping other newer members with theirs as they gain more knowledge overall. I feel I'm starting to move towards the latter as I learn more and experience shifts through therapy and other work on myself. Perhaps as myself and other newer members do this, it will help increase the diversity and range of topics.

Here's to an open, diverse and welcoming community - with some healthy debate and disagreement!

I am as usual blissfully unaware of most of what has caused the upset on this thread - apologies if my ill thought out comments about suffering being a choice were part of the problem.

Has anyone read The Five Agreements? It's a great concept - to live a good life:

1.Be impeccable with your word

2. Don't take anything personally

3.Don't make assumptions

4. Always do your best

Fear I broke the first one on my glib comments and sorry again for any hurt - I also assumed that it was one particular poster who was being referred to by Curious - in fact I thought it could be me, I think it was a matter of semantics and in the written word difficult to tell if it was directed at one person or at the general tone of discussion - so maybe I am also guilty of numbers 2 and 3....!

I do think there's an interesting discussion at the root of this - about the different ways humans process and act upon emotions and how making changes in these areas can enhance quality of life.

I am battling on with number 4 now - I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend!