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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 16:20:38 GMT
I like this topic. I have never really been able to get in touch w my angry side when the relationship ends. It's something I have talked w my therapist about too. I am usually too sad and I fully believe it is better to understand where both sides are coming from rather than be angry. I feel like that is a cover up for other emotions and logically I know it is ridiculous to be mad at someone for having different feelings than myself. I don't like feeling angry at this person I claim to have feelings for. I feel somehow like being mad at them or saying mean things about them is really just being mad at myself and saying mean things about myself. Him too. He had anger during the relationship, but was sad when it ended and not ready for it to be over. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 16:34:52 GMT
I like this topic. I have never really been able to get in touch w my angry side when the relationship ends. It's something I have talked w my therapist about too. I am usually too sad and I fully believe it is better to understand where both sides are coming from rather than be angry. I feel like that is a cover up for other emotions and logically I know it is ridiculous to be mad at someone for having different feelings than myself. I don't like feeling angry at this person I claim to have feelings for. I feel somehow like being mad at them or saying mean things about them is really just being mad at myself and saying mean things about myself. Him too. He had anger during the relationship, but was sad when it ended and not ready for it to be over. Hhmm.. I would say during the relationship IF I got angry I would definitely dig deeper to see where it was coming from and it was usually thoughts of They are tricking me, they don't really like me this much. What do they want from me. That was at the beginning stages though. Once we were settled in I didnt have much anger in the relationship. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 21, 2018 18:16:46 GMT
For me it's making me laugh.
I also have real problems at times expressing anger. I think this is a classic FA thing.
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 18:23:52 GMT
A recent guy I was seeing was very secure and when I would act out he always called me out on it in a logical and caring way but we talked about it before hand and I told him that's what I would respond best to. I like being self aware and being emotionally balanced as much as I can so I welcomed his feed back.
Maybe you can ask him how best to get through to him when he lashes out. Don't ask in the middle of it of course. Haha
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 21, 2018 18:33:05 GMT
Hey everyone,
This is a great post!
I feel more sadness and pain with my breakup, however the anger comes out here and there and when it does, I feel empowered and better. I think for me, what I'm learning is that if I get in touch with my anger towards my ex, it makes me feel distant from him and as an AP, I want to still feel close. So, I instead focus on understanding what went wrong, which can then sometimes snowball into everything I did wrong, thus the anger becomes misdirected at myself.
When we were together, I held so much of my anger in, I did not text him a lot at all, I never got angry if he waited for days to contact me or answer a simple question. However, when we were together and he would pick a fight with me about lets say, my driving, when he knew that annoys me, I would raise my voice and really lash out which was all that pent up anger. He would then turn it around and blame me yet again! It was maddening. Just thinking about it makes me anxious.
Another time I needed him for support to take me to a doctor appointment, he agreed to take me the day before, only to tell me the day of that uber was having a sale on rides and it would cost me very little to take one. that hurt me and angered me, so we went back and forth over text, later I went to his house and he closed the door in my face! Said I was disrupting his day and took out my nervousness on him which was unacceptable.
I didn't get angry, I went home and calmly wrote an email stating how painful he treated me and that I expect more from him. he never responded to the email.
These are examples of what an AP will tolerate and so when dumped I think the anger and rage does surface with the realization of what we have accepted and how the person treated us.
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 19:05:07 GMT
Hey everyone, This is a great post! I feel more sadness and pain with my breakup, however the anger comes out here and there and when it does, I feel empowered and better. I think for me, what I'm learning is that if I get in touch with my anger towards my ex, it makes me feel distant from him and as an AP, I want to still feel close. So, I instead focus on understanding what went wrong, which can then sometimes snowball into everything I did wrong, thus the anger becomes misdirected at myself. When we were together, I held so much of my anger in, I did not text him a lot at all, I never got angry if he waited for days to contact me or answer a simple question. However, when we were together and he would pick a fight with me about lets say, my driving, when he knew that annoys me, I would raise my voice and really lash out which was all that pent up anger. He would then turn it around and blame me yet again! It was maddening. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. Another time I needed him for support to take me to a doctor appointment, he agreed to take me the day before, only to tell me the day of that uber was having a sale on rides and it would cost me very little to take one. that hurt me and angered me, so we went back and forth over text, later I went to his house and he closed the door in my face! Said I was disrupting his day and took out my nervousness on him which was unacceptable. I didn't get angry, I went home and calmly wrote an email stating how painful he treated me and that I expect more from him. he never responded to the email. These are examples of what an AP will tolerate and so when dumped I think the anger and rage does surface with the realization of what we have accepted and how the person treated us. ☹ I could see that anger being useful and justified. There is such a thing as expressing anger in a healthy way which sounds like that's what you try to do but of course it's going to burst out sometimes if you are repressing too much or continually feeling under valued. Ultimately we are willing participants and we need to learn to leave when the overall relationship is not treating us with love and respect. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 21, 2018 19:10:55 GMT
Oh man, I know this all too well. I offered to help my ex before going on a trip. He said, You're kidding, right? I don't need any help from you! He seemed angry, but I shrugged it off. Geez, I was blind. this really highlights the incongruence of AP's demanding signs of love and rejecting them when they happen! it's an endless loop. such a toxic dilemma. It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 19:17:04 GMT
this really highlights the incongruence of AP's demanding signs of love and rejecting them when they happen! it's an endless loop. such a toxic dilemma. It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. Exactly, it doesn't line up with the core beliefs of themselves. Me included. I'm working very hard to change those core beliefs about myself. Trust is the underline issue on both sides just played out in opposite demonstrations. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:17:49 GMT
this really highlights the incongruence of AP's demanding signs of love and rejecting them when they happen! it's an endless loop. such a toxic dilemma. It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. Exactly, which is I guess what everyone is trying to figure out. I realized my ex has the confirmation bias and so when I would say nice things to him, he would lash out at me. I didn't get it until yesterday in the other thread. It became a very constant form of verbal abuse, which is why I left the relationship. I still love him and want to be there for him. I'm wondering of there is any way to reassure him as kind words don't seem to help  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:19:19 GMT
this really highlights the incongruence of AP's demanding signs of love and rejecting them when they happen! it's an endless loop. such a toxic dilemma. It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. it's so sad and painful, for all of us with insecure attachment. this dynamic massacres both parties so badly! i wonder if it's possible to improve it with awareness and hard work on both sides or if it would be such a long painful road it would prove too unsettling constantly. one of the things i realized, at a critical point in my recovery, was that one of the most painful experiences i ever had was someone being unable to receive the love i felt for them. That hurt worst than being hit. For someone to constantly twist my love into something ugly and selfish, because of their own inability to receive it. it wounded me deeply, until i learned to let go and forgive it. it was at the same time, painful and insulting. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 19:24:33 GMT
It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. it's so sad and painful, for all of us with insecure attachment. this dynamic massacres both parties so badly! i wonder if it's possible to improve it with awareness and hard work on both sides or if it would be such a long painful road it would prove too unsettling constantly. one of the things i realized, at a critical point in my recovery, was that one of the most painful experiences i ever had was someone being unable to receive the love i felt for them. That hurt worst than being hit. For someone to constantly twist my love into something ugly and selfish, because of their own inability to receive it. it wounded me deeply, until i learned to let go and forgive it. it was at the same time, painful and insulting. I definitely think its possible to grow together in a positive direction if both are aware of the issues and want to work on themselves to heal and be able to sustain a healthy and loving partnership. Crazier things have happened 🙂 |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 21, 2018 19:24:42 GMT
It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. Exactly, which is I guess what everyone is trying to figure out. I realized my ex has the confirmation bias and so when I would say nice things to him, he would lash out at me. I didn't get it until yesterday in the other thread. It became a very constant form of verbal abuse, which is why I left the relationship. I still love him and want to be there for him. I'm wondering of there is any way to reassure him as kind words don't seem to help I think being calm and gentle is one possible way. Just earlier, I was listening to an audio book by Diane Poole Heller, an attachment therapist, and she recommended the same thing. Maybe it's not so much the words themselves that help, but a caring attitude. Maybe some form of light humour can defuse such a tense situation. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:25:37 GMT
It does, doesn't it? APs are all about wanting love/validation and when they sometimes get it for real, they can't believe it and dimissive it, because it doesn't align with their worldview (being unworthy of love and/or defective). It is very messed up....and sad and painful. it's so sad and painful, for all of us with insecure attachment. this dynamic massacres both parties so badly! i wonder if it's possible to improve it with awareness and hard work on both sides or if it would be such a long painful road it would prove too unsettling constantly. one of the things i realized, at a critical point in my recovery, was that one of the most painful experiences i ever had was someone being unable to receive the love i felt for them.
That hurt worst than being hit. For someone to constantly twist my love into something ugly and selfish, because of their own inability to receive it. it wounded me deeply, until i learned to let go and forgive it. it was at the same time, painful and insulting. I so relate to this. This was my experience, but honesty, I want to try and see if this will work. He is more aware now than ever before. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:26:43 GMT
it's so sad and painful, for all of us with insecure attachment. this dynamic massacres both parties so badly! i wonder if it's possible to improve it with awareness and hard work on both sides or if it would be such a long painful road it would prove too unsettling constantly. one of the things i realized, at a critical point in my recovery, was that one of the most painful experiences i ever had was someone being unable to receive the love i felt for them.
That hurt worst than being hit. For someone to constantly twist my love into something ugly and selfish, because of their own inability to receive it. it wounded me deeply, until i learned to let go and forgive it. it was at the same time, painful and insulting. I so relate to this. This was my experience, but honesty, I want to try and see if this will work. He is more aware now than ever before. that awareness that you both are growing might make it doable, and i am here for you no matter what. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:28:43 GMT
and if i can try to make it work with someone more avoidant than me, maybe i can, with awareness haha!
i'm about to see what can happen with a new man i have actually known for a while, but not in a dating sense.
we all just have to walk this stuff out.
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