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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 17:46:35 GMT
if we are going to appreciate the honesty and plain speech of a DA, let's try to give it more room instead of blocking what we don't want to hear shall we? 😋 AP's do it all day long here. we can all stand the heat of the fire especially when there is no vitriol . i am just saying. let's all keep our big girl panties on and i say that WITH HUMOR AND LOVE. I wear a thong, most DA i know do. even the men! it's a DA thing. there's a generalization. Lol. i can definitely take it and i can poke fun at myself and i can handle being triggered and then calming down i just can't handle walking on eggshells when i don't even have any axe to grind. i'm just being me and some like me some don't. i have demonstrated a lot of love here and i stand by my intention to be helpful. What kind of under-doodles do AP wear? 😍😘 I get what you are saying juniper....believe me, speaking only for me...it isn't blocking...it is reacting because there is no boundary and it all goes "in". I recognize that....it is a key area of work....what matters and what doesn't. What to take in and what to acknowledge but keep apart. It has been a ROUGH day and I probably should not have come here because I was already a bit fragile before I posted anything. Sometimes things just spill over and I have to regroup. Ok...trying to find my way back to humor...I swear I have it....but darn...it is eluding me.🤔 its ok, just go rest! we'll be here when you feel better! this too shall pass.  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 21:46:46 GMT
@future you were hurting a lot i am sure. you were triggered. and, you stepped out of line. but you owned it, he set a boundary, and you worked it out. i'm sure he hurts you too. we do that  my partner and i have done the same, different kinds of triggers and issues andnways of hurting each other, but pain is pain. but we bonded by working it out. we both grow. trust builds. now the hurting isn't a pattern, it's not the norm. we have a new normal i am so impressed with your work. my DA isn't actively working on issues to the degree i am- he is overworking at work and life lol. typical DA. but he is working in his way and we work together. it's progress not perfection. but that's how we grow! your DA really cares for you or he wouldn't be so honest and let you know how to not hurt him. he would just go away. it's so awesome. your trust will grow. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 22:27:30 GMT
o the two, my DA is more "busy" because i brought balance into my life a while back.
so i tolerate that as well. as a DA myself i am sure it's a lot easier for me because i love to wander around and be myself and be happy.
But i do miss him; i love to be with him.
i look forward to time with him, i love to even just hear his voice on the phone.
i don't take him for granted, he is what and who he is and that's who i love.
he is working toward balance too. it's a process!
and the healthier i get, he follows with me.
we talk about this stuff.
we are an example to each other for some things.
my focus is ALWAYS on taking good care of me, taking good care of him. The things I CAN CONTROL.
the other day when i wanted to break up deactivating it really was because i don't want to hurt either of us. i wasn't mad, i didn't want to hurt him. i was triggered so painfully by my own attachment insecurity.
it's so opposite on this end of the spectrum but just as real, just as confusing and frustrating!
I am happy for you and your man. He's lucky to have you. I bet he appreciates you more than you can imagine. You just forget probably. awh, future.... he is trying to earn your trust also. He is tying to trust. it's all good.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:06:54 GMT
JI think it's best to be clear on your intentions, whatever they are. As a DA, I despise when I have to "uncover" the true intention. Same here. Hidden agenda's just make me feel icked out and over time become disgusted with that person. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 23:12:45 GMT
Thanks juniper I really appreciate your support as always. I think I've learned more in the last few months than I have in the rest of my life. I was reading your posts the other night in the DA support forum and my heart was breaking for you. I was tearing up, partly because you are important to me now, partly because I recognized some of my own distancing behaviors and it was painful to realize. It also gave me even more perspective on my guy and how he may be feeling when he retreats and again, made me love him more. It's really invaluable stuff. On a side note, this has also helped me, tremendously, in understanding my exhusband who, surprise, is also DA. The two have very similar traits to a greater or lesser degree. Anyway, it's really resolved a lot of confusion and feelings for me over my marriage. I couldn't understand how my ex could say he loves me, I was a great wife, best person he knows, etc...but not want to work on our marriage. I get it now and we had a great convo via text the other day. Not about this but, basically, that we'll always love and be there for eachother, in a platonic way of course, haha Both these men are amazing, wonderful, loving people. I just didn't get them. Soooo much frustration. Soooo much wasted time. My wish for AP's is to get out of their own heads and see that there is another world out there. Sounds corny but so true. I see things so differently now and it's so freeing, kwim? So, I don't care if I trigger anybody. Trigger away, but wake up and take control of your emotions. No one can do it for you. Acknowledge your inner child but stop looking to them for guidance. They couldn't protect you then, they can't protect you now. You're the adult now...you do it. Ok, stepping off my soap box now. And, if I triggered anyone, sorry, but I'm not sorry.😛 id love to stay in touch. i love that you have such compassion. i love that your DA loves you. I'm going to jump off the forum for the most part if Goldi and i can get something going elsewhere. But i'd like to keep supporting those trying to heal their relationships because i honor that and it has meant so much to me to find healthy intimacy (still growing) in spite of my horrible childhood and attachment injury. it has meant the absolute world to me to find my DA. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:20:49 GMT
AP's do stupid stuff like that because we want reassurance. All it got me was several days of thinking I lost him. I really had no thought that he was cheating. I was just angry and hurt because he worked until midnight. Anyway, it really really hurt and angered him. He couldn't believe I, of all people, said that. I felt awful. It took a long time for him to seem "normal" again with me. I won't ever do that again! He made it very clear that there are some things you just don't say, end of story. Yup, got it. AP's play lots of games and can be very emotionally abusive because we need our fix. We lash out and then act the victim when our partner gets mad or distances. But, it's not our partners job to give us our fix. It sucks the life out of them. Da's do get a bad rap as being emotionally abusive but, honestly, I think it's the other way around. All are different, just saying my guy is who he is. He makes no apologies for it. He's honest about it. It's actually kind of refreshing once you accept it and work through it. We just don't always think they're being honest because we don't "get" how they think. Now I'm droning on....but just want to keep it real. He doesn't ask for much. Basically, relax, enjoy eachother, no drama. When I do that, we are happy and fulfilled. When I don't, I'm alone and crying and he's working 90 hours a week. This is not rocket science. It's just a learning process. I think many Da people have had manipulative parents. So when I see game playing, I feel really tired and icked out and start having doubts about the relationship eventually. As Mary said, the reassurance is never enough for the AP. And to me, if a couple of compliments and accepting a next date is not enough... I can't just profess my undying love to someone I am still getting to know, I want to be truthful in my words. And if even light emotional abuse takes place, I am in a double bind. If I reward it, it will increase. If I ignore it, he may double down. If I get upset, he may play the victim. So, I just feel really really stressed and want to go home and be alone with my feelings. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 23:23:32 GMT
id love to stay in touch. i love that you have such compassion. i love that your DA loves you. I'm going to jump off the forum for the most part if Goldi and i can get something going elsewhere. But i'd like to keep supporting those trying to heal their relationships because i honor that and it has meant so much to me to find healthy intimacy (still growing) in spite of my horrible childhood and attachment injury. it has meant the absolute world to me to find my DA. Do what's best for you and, yes, absolutely, I'd love to keep in touch as well. we will. this helps me too. ❤️❤️❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 23:27:28 GMT
AP's do stupid stuff like that because we want reassurance. All it got me was several days of thinking I lost him. I really had no thought that he was cheating. I was just angry and hurt because he worked until midnight. Anyway, it really really hurt and angered him. He couldn't believe I, of all people, said that. I felt awful. It took a long time for him to seem "normal" again with me. I won't ever do that again! He made it very clear that there are some things you just don't say, end of story. Yup, got it. AP's play lots of games and can be very emotionally abusive because we need our fix. We lash out and then act the victim when our partner gets mad or distances. But, it's not our partners job to give us our fix. It sucks the life out of them. Da's do get a bad rap as being emotionally abusive but, honestly, I think it's the other way around. All are different, just saying my guy is who he is. He makes no apologies for it. He's honest about it. It's actually kind of refreshing once you accept it and work through it. We just don't always think they're being honest because we don't "get" how they think. Now I'm droning on....but just want to keep it real. He doesn't ask for much. Basically, relax, enjoy eachother, no drama. When I do that, we are happy and fulfilled. When I don't, I'm alone and crying and he's working 90 hours a week. This is not rocket science. It's just a learning process. I think many Da people have had manipulative parents. So when I see game playing, I feel really tired and icked out and start having doubts about the relationship eventually. As Mary said, the reassurance is never enough for the AP. And to me, if a couple of compliments and accepting a next date is not enough... I can't just profess my undying love to someone I am still getting to know, I want to be truthful in my words. And if even light emotional abuse takes place, I am in a double bind. If I reward it, it will increase. If I ignore it, he may double down. If I get upset, he may play the victim. So, I just feel really really stressed and want to go home and be alone with my feelings. and both sides just hurt with their insecurity! the higher the level of health, the better the boundaries are. what i love with @future and her Mr. Man is the continual approach to solutions and growth. i love to see it, i guess some people want to save the whales and i want to save the DA love life lol There is a lot of potential with this kind of awareness!!! and Mr. Man is lucky to have her in my opinion. A sleeping DA is gonna likely end up with an AP and of his gal is committed to working toward secure like future is ,he better be counting his blessings!!! 😁 many DA men just end up alone. and later in life that is sad sad sad. i've seen it a lot. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:31:09 GMT
Future, it seems like both of you are pretty aware, and you are also open about your feelings and motive. That is a really big step and prevents the situation from becoming abusive. You also clearly feel empathy towards your guy and see him as a loveable human with his own hopes and dreams.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 23:32:33 GMT
Future, it seems like both of you are pretty aware, and you are also open about your feelings and motive. That is a really big step and prevents the situation from becoming abusive. You also clearly feel empathy towards your guy and see him as a loveable human with his own hopes and dreams. that's how i see this also and i respect it a lot. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 23:39:57 GMT
Thanks you guys. I'm tryin! He's just so worth it ❤❤❤ and it's beautiful you see that. you're worth it too. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:44:38 GMT
You are both worth it and you are both very loveable. Two people who are doing their best really deserve love.
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 19, 2018 23:49:06 GMT
juniper - oh gosh what is going on in this forum?! Sorry, i really did just want your perspective as it was helping me so much. I'd like it if people could take some of these threads case by case and not extrapolate out into stereotyping and DA bashing. It's so pointless. That said, it's inspiring to read the experience of other DAs on here, and of APs doing well with DAs. I'm not doing great today. I feel like I've lost him properly now because maybe i wasn't honest enough, maybe im still stuck in fear. Yep, all AP head stuff, and it's killing me. I think you were probably right in suggesting i was posturing a sense of moving on. And now i feel like he has, in not responding to my messages which in themselves were probably confusing. I'm aware I'm making assumptions but I'm jsut feeling so low today. I thought i was getting somewhere (with myself) and now im back to the start.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:56:55 GMT
Look, if he is working 90 hours a week, he does not have time to cheat. Maybe work on generosity of spirit to really trust that he is simply working hard and not away from you for anything personal.
Not that it is easy to be a workaholic or date one. People do thrive with sufficient sleep and regular alone time and play and social time. He is a grown man and only he can decide if working less is for him.
For me, working less made me more relaxed. I'm physically more healthy and my base stress level is lower. But this was my own decision.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 19, 2018 23:57:47 GMT
Take care, flic!
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