flic
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Post by flic on Apr 20, 2018 0:01:08 GMT
@future - not at all  I may reach out to juniper privately - you guys keep going, it's what this forum is all about. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 0:19:43 GMT
juniper - oh gosh what is going on in this forum?! Sorry, i really did just want your perspective as it was helping me so much. I'd like it if people could take some of these threads case by case and not extrapolate out into stereotyping and DA bashing. It's so pointless. That said, it's inspiring to read the experience of other DAs on here, and of APs doing well with DAs. I'm not doing great today. I feel like I've lost him properly now because maybe i wasn't honest enough, maybe im still stuck in fear. Yep, all AP head stuff, and it's killing me. I think you were probably right in suggesting i was posturing a sense of moving on. And now i feel like he has, in not responding to my messages which in themselves were probably confusing. I'm aware I'm making assumptions but I'm jsut feeling so low today. I thought i was getting somewhere (with myself) and now im back to the start.  no no don't worry! while you were sleeping we just went over stuff sorry lol!! don't worry, you still have opportunities. i want to talk to you about that exercise. And i really don't mind helping you at all. it's good for me. so we will pick up where we left off. maybe Pm if you like! i have some errands to do but i'll be back later if i can and off not -as soon as i can. i'm not done with you lol. 😂🙂😘 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 0:23:40 GMT
helping you guys with your DA actually keeps me mindful of everything i am telling you. my relationship is good but i am aware of how hard i hard to work to overcome obstacles in myself. i still stay mindful of all i am sharing. a breakdown can happen one little thing at a time done out of bad habits or unconscious reactions. so i am in a period of enjoying my relationship a lot and staying mindful. the fruit of it in my life is delicious 😍 so i really do enjoy this kind of camaraderie. i am reinforcing what has worked and continues to work to make my partner and i very happy. so i offer myself with the DA perspective to help you because you are open to me. i can't help with the AP but lots of growing AP's here can. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 0:25:40 GMT
honestly i don't doubt your DA will be relieved to hear your truth. we don't know what he will do with it. one thing at a time |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 20, 2018 2:35:31 GMT
@future I just read properly through all your posts and they are so insightful. Your experience gives me hope, not necessarily for my current situation but for the future. x
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 20, 2018 7:43:09 GMT
I think the indecision regarding breakups, what to do and what not to do are a product of not trusting yourself and fear of not having enough information to make the decision. Hope is sometimes the flip side of not trusting yourself to make the right decision for yourself. What if this person can change, what if this person can be who I need, what if I didn't give this person enough chances. The decision in what to do relies in trusting your own decision process and knowing you have enough information to make the decision. If you feel you don't have enough information, then get the information necessary to make the decision. This is such good insight. I struggle with making decisions, and trusting myself. i always find myself stuck in indecision. The idea of having enough information, whilst it might seem obvious, is quite new for me. But I also struggle with where to get the information - i suppose that's where the over-analysis comes in, and then the assumptions. Do i need to seek out the information? Or will it be presented, i just need to be able to see it? I know it's complex, just interested in your thoughts around it. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2018 16:27:19 GMT
I think the indecision regarding breakups, what to do and what not to do are a product of not trusting yourself and fear of not having enough information to make the decision. Hope is sometimes the flip side of not trusting yourself to make the right decision for yourself. What if this person can change, what if this person can be who I need, what if I didn't give this person enough chances. The decision in what to do relies in trusting your own decision process and knowing you have enough information to make the decision. If you feel you don't have enough information, then get the information necessary to make the decision. This is such good insight. I struggle with making decisions, and trusting myself. i always find myself stuck in indecision. The idea of having enough information, whilst it might seem obvious, is quite new for me. But I also struggle with where to get the information - i suppose that's where the over-analysis comes in, and then the assumptions. Do i need to seek out the information? Or will it be presented, i just need to be able to see it? I know it's complex, just interested in your thoughts around it. I am a very logical person and my emotional "guide" is very secondary. I think it's the reverse for the AP, so decisions are more emotionally driven. Love or feelings are not enough to sustain a relationship. The information can come from many sources, First, yourself, second, your love interest and then various others (friends, family, possibly therapists). It's a compilation of knowing what you want and need out of the relationship, and all of the information you have (past events, what you said, what he said, the issues, how the issues were solved or not solved, the pros, the cons, the willingness of each to make it work, etc etc). A good question to ask yourself is, If I had a daughter or best friend and they were in this relationship, would I recommend it? Do you have enough information to make this decision? Love is awesome and great, but it's not enough. The information you may need and don't have is what are the thoughts of the other person. My guess is that you actually do have all the information you need, but you really need to think about it and see it. After thinking about everything above, if you think you still need more information, ask him. Keep in mind, no response IS an answer. If he responds positively, can he give you what you need and want, can you give him what he needs and wants? Is there a plan? Or will I just keep repeating the same cycle? Am I acting on emotional information only or does this make logical sense. I know there are many people that will say these decisions can't be made based on logic, and I somewhat agree. Emotions play a part, but it can't be the overriding part. Emotions can override any logic, but should it? Maybe the more important part is trusting yourself. Trust that you know yourself, you know what you need, you know what you will accept and not accept. I think "waivering" has a lot to do with thinking, "what if I am wrong?". It's the lies we tell ourself to come to a decision that will appease our emotions. " I texted him 5 days ago, he wants to be with me, but maybe he's just too busy or maybe he didn't get my 5 text messages". "If he answers my text this one time, he still loves me". Are you trusting yourself (with all the information that you have) or lying to yourself? Trusting yourself can also work with an opposite decision. If you think you don't have enough information and you need to try to get back together with that person to get the information. Trust yourself to know, "I will not be emotionally ruined" if this person doesn't respond, rejects me or is not the person I need to be with. Knowing and trusting yourself, is taking action based on needing more information, not based on lies we tell ourself to feed the empty feelings. That's my 2 cents. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 20, 2018 16:38:52 GMT
I don't know about you flic...but I get emotional information overload...and then it is a bit harder to actually discern what matters and what actually doesn't because all these "possibilities" exist in my head. I also have an information bias...meaning I will look for things that fit my viewpoint..whatever viewpoint I have..and tend to ignore "other" information that doesn't support that viewpoint. But I like how Mary starts with herself and then looks to the other person...I tend to do the opposite...look at him first..his be hairs actions etc...then look at my own self second.
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guest
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Post by guest on Apr 20, 2018 17:04:42 GMT
Well said @mary
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 21, 2018 0:22:35 GMT
Really good advice @mary, all makes complete sense (logically) I know on some level that love isn't enough, but I can't seem to get my overriding emotions to believe that. And unfortunately i come from an entire family and clan of friends who are all hopeless romantics. I guess what i need to do is just ask the question, straight up. A lot of the DAs on here seem to think direct is best for them. I've made the decision that I probably cannot move forward with my life properly without going back over to this other country and getting my stuff. Or rather, i can't seem to make myself.. But i can't say there isn't part of me that wants to make the journey to try and just see whether he would consider reconciling. It's lunacy, i know. So perhaps i need to ask him before i come, so as not to go with false hope and be 100% honest with him about why i want to come. I had been convinced he was over me and had moved on until i spoke to him last week. And maybe your 'no information IS information' needs to be taken into consideration, because he did not say he wants me to come back. But the knowledge that he hasn't moved on, that he knows we broke up solely based on our own individual fears, that he misses me greatly - it's so hard not to attach to those. Also the growth we have both shown since our break-up, with respect to our emotional dynamic. I know these things don't change overnight abut there's been such a shift. And as i get more information on attachment styles, i do feel i am much more aware how precarious our relationship was. But it only fell apart when we moved, there were certainly underlying things, but we'd had very few problems before that. I'm pretty sure going back there WILL ruin me emotionally. But i'm ruined here too. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 0:49:08 GMT
Really good advice @mary , all makes complete sense (logically) I know on some level that love isn't enough, but I can't seem to get my overriding emotions to believe that. And unfortunately i come from an entire family and clan of friends who are all hopeless romantics. I guess what i need to do is just ask the question, straight up. A lot of the DAs on here seem to think direct is best for them. I've made the decision that I probably cannot move forward with my life properly without going back over to this other country and getting my stuff. Or rather, i can't seem to make myself.. But i can't say there isn't part of me that wants to make the journey to try and just see whether he would consider reconciling. It's lunacy, i know. So perhaps i need to ask him before i come, so as not to go with false hope and be 100% honest with him about why i want to come. I had been convinced he was over me and had moved on until i spoke to him last week. And maybe your 'no information IS information' needs to be taken into consideration, because he did not say he wants me to come back. But the knowledge that he hasn't moved on, that he knows we broke up solely based on our own individual fears, that he misses me greatly - it's so hard not to attach to those. Also the growth we have both shown since our break-up, with respect to our emotional dynamic. I know these things don't change overnight abut there's been such a shift. And as i get more information on attachment styles, i do feel i am much more aware how precarious our relationship was. But it only fell apart when we moved, there were certainly underlying things, but we'd had very few problems before that. I'm pretty sure going back there WILL ruin me emotionally. But i'm ruined here too. I understand, emotions are powerful. I would still urge you to look at all the information first, read what you wrote in the original post. Not moving on/Missing someone and wanting to make a relationship work are two different things. Only you know what the information is telling you. Personally my thought is, if you are giving someone else the power to ruin you emotionally, you have more internal work to do. |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 21, 2018 1:10:11 GMT
I understand, emotions are powerful. I would still urge you to look at all the information first, read what you wrote in the original post. Not moving on/Missing someone and wanting to make a relationship work are two different things. Only you know what the information is telling you. Personally my thought is, if you are giving someone else the power to ruin you emotionally, you have more internal work to do.That's a bloody good point. But I'm not getting anywhere here, and the only thing i can think of to do is get some closure by going there so i can start again. The information tells me the relationship can't work, it really does. But breaking up a very serious relationship over FaceTime and having all my things there and not being having said goodbye to him or the city has me paralysed in a state of limbo that i can't seem to make myself break. I don't think it's HIM that will ruin me, it's the emotional trauma of me letting go of the version of me that was part of everything that went wrong. I'm really confused. I wish I was more logical, had more access to that part of my brain. I'd probably do what was best for me and was going to cause the least amount of pain. Do you think that stuff is hardwired, or can change? |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 21, 2018 1:25:15 GMT
@mary - I just read back over a bunch of stuff and thought about what you said. I'm literally choosing to ignore everything this forum, and Attachment Theory in general, has taught me, aren't I. Ok, so maybe awareness of that is a good start? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 1:31:00 GMT
That's a bloody good point. But I'm not getting anywhere here, and the only thing i can think of to do is get some closure by going there so i can start again. The information tells me the relationship can't work, it really does. But breaking up a very serious relationship over FaceTime and having all my things there and not being having said goodbye to him or the city has me paralysed in a state of limbo that i can't seem to make myself break. I don't think it's HIM that will ruin me, it's the emotional trauma of me letting go of the version of me that was part of everything that went wrong.
I'm really confused. I wish I was more logical, had more access to that part of my brain. I'd probably do what was best for me and was going to cause the least amount of pain. Do you think that stuff is hardwired, or can change? I don't know what you mean by the version of you? I definitely think you can change it if you want to, but I know change is very, very hard. My work is the opposite. I work on bringing emotion into my decision making more and being more in touch with my emotions. Either way, change is slow. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 21, 2018 12:24:22 GMT
I understand, emotions are powerful. I would still urge you to look at all the information first, read what you wrote in the original post. Not moving on/Missing someone and wanting to make a relationship work are two different things. Only you know what the information is telling you. Personally my thought is, if you are giving someone else the power to ruin you emotionally, you have more internal work to do. This is key. flicWhat I understand from your first post, is that when your beau moved to a far away place, you followed him. I also understood that you left your social circle and your job and did not find a new one in the new place. Is this correct? If so, let's explore the motivation behind it. Do you feel you need social support from friendship? Do you feel you deserve social support? Do you feel you need security, opportunity to be succesful and develop yourself through your career? Do you feel you deserve security, success and self expression? Did you feel your beau ought to meet these needs when you gave up your own avenues for meeting them? |
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